UnNews:Desert Bears

26 July 2008

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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UnNews

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Sunday, November 24, 2024, 00:17:59 (UTC)

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How to Stop Desert Bears

Joshua Tree, California -- Desert bears are perhaps one of the most deadly creatures on this planet. They often travel in herds and attack when first threatened.

At the end of each day, desert bears bunker down into caves and sleep for around 12 hours. The only known way to vanquish a desert bear is to cut off its legs. Without the ability to dig caves, it will have nowhere to run. Then you must remove the spleen and half of its lower intestine. This should short out its main power supply.

The next step is to shrink yourself down and enter via ear. Then you wait for the bear to eat breakfast (as all the wounded do) and then pull the power cord in a fashion that a flight attendant would use. This should activate the three rings of death.

You have now killed a desert bear. That is all that is known about this desert bear whose origins and locations are unknown. I wonder what Gannon is up to?

There is an elite squad of trained professionals that hunt and kill dessert bears around the globe, they are known as cajje squad. The cajje squad consists of 5 members Sgt. Peppers the leader, Night Hawk the comical badass, Bon Que Que the French, Whitty the nerd, and of course Johnny the rookie that doesn't know when to quit.

Real Quotes From Members of CAJJE: ["Hey. Whats that?... AHHH!!!" - Johnny] ["Death count: 53. Danget Johnny" - Sgt. Peppers]

To join this elite squad call 1-800-stop-dbs or visit us on the web at http://cajje.webs.com/ or If u would like to become a desert bear call 1-800-join-dbs or visit us on the web at www.joindesertbears.gov