UnNews:Congress backs bill for horse contraception

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24 February 2011

They need our protection.

WASHINGTON D.C. -- In the wake of the House of Reprehensibles’ 235-189 vote to cut spending, including all funding for the organization Planned Parenthood, Rep. Dan Burton (R-IN), proposed an amendment promoting equine contraception to control the population of the nation’s wild horses. “Horses are treated inhumanely,” Burton told UnNews in a Skype interview, “and I want to make sure that they live the kind of lives they want to lead, and birth control is the best way to do this.”

Statistics provided by the Department of Agriculture (DOA) state that 73.8% of all horses living in the United States are forcefully impregnated without their consent, with 8.9% of these horses even knocked up without their knowledge, resulting in 56% of their lives spent in unwanted gestation periods. “These numbers are just gross,” Burton exclaimed, “How can we look at ourselves in the mirror?”

President Obama appeared to be favorably disposed to the bill. “I have two little ones at home,” he once told supporters. “If they make a mistake, I don't want them punished with a baby.”

After relating the pains that pregnant mares encounter in their daily lives, and the pleasures they miss due to the responsibilities of carrying a newborn colt, Burton then related some disturbing news: “96% of the pregnancies that mares experience are not even a repercussion of sexual activities; they are artificially impregnated, meaning they get pregnant without even having sex, often at the whim and discretion of their (typically male) owner… Not only is this completely unfair to the mare, who has to deal with the unfortunate responsibilities of pregnancy without experiencing the pleasurable precursor – like not being able to eat but still having to dump - this is tantamount to rape, and we will not stand for it.”

In addition to the federal support of contraceptives for horses, provided to prevent the unfortunate and unfair outcomes of these unwanted pregnancies, Burton’s bill would also include funding to veterinarians in order to subsidize STD tests for the horses and screenings for certain types of cancer, such as breast and cervical cancer. These cancers have been known to kill as many as 1 in 20 horses, and 1 in 8 mares will suffer from one of them at some point in her life.

When asked about where the money will come from for this bill, Burton replied, “No taxes will be raised. Instead, we’re using the money we’ve saved by cutting Planned Parenthood from our roll,” explaining that such a move is “just a better overall investment.”