UnNews:Conclave of Darkness assembles to elect new British PM

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7 July 2016

Senior Tory Party members reveal their true nature for the Conclave of Darkness.

LONDON, United Kingdom - The Tory Party has gathered to elect a new leader, summoning its central decision-making body — the Conclave of Darkness, a daemonic host of hideous beings. Terrifying entities have been seen slithering and skittering around Westminster this week as senior party members, otherwise known as Lords of the End Times, curry favour and elect their candidate to the position of ultimate power.

The leading candidates to head the Conclave have been identified as Andrea Leadsom, Michael Gove and Theresa May. For the purposes of the election, they largely lose their human names and are referred to by their true titles which are "the Lurking Horror", "the Prince of Damnation" and "the Corpse Queen", respectively.

Local Tory party member Andrew Dillingsly said, "I favour our dear Prince Gove. What I like is that to stare upon his countenance is to be literally blinded by all the horrors of the darkest parts of our psyche. My mate Gary is now on disability benefits because he tried to thank him for Brexit and can't see a thing now." Backbench MP Stephen Blandley offered a different opinion in favour of the current frontrunner Theresa May: "I believe that only she has the steel will to see through our dark plan to destroy the people of Britain and feed off the remains. I tire of not tasting human flesh and wish for her to lead us to a glorious slaughter."

It is expected that the winner, also known as "Anointed Host", will be announced at a blood-drenched ceremony on 9th September. Conservative Party Headquarters is already under pressure to provide enough virgins for the sacrifices.