UnNews:Car drives through mural at art center

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23 February 2007

The wine vineyard mural, moments before impact

LOWELL, MA - A car, said to be driven by Massachusetts’ U. S. Senator Ted Kennedy (D), smashed through a mural at the Downtown Art Center in Lowell, MA. Although witnesses said the automobile was “careening,” as if the driver were drunk, the art center’s director, Francisco (“Caca”) Del Toro, said that the accident was understandable, because the mural through which the vehicle crashed was a realistic representation of a California vineyard.

“No doubt, the driver, Senor Kennedy, thought he was in the wine country and swerved at the last minute so he would not miss an opportunity to sample the grapes,” Del Toro theorized.

The only casualties were a few paintings and a sculpture. Allegedly, the sculpture, executed in marble, bronze, and wood, was donated to the art center by the family of Mary Jo Kopechne, whose ghost, allegedly, haunts the senator. She drowned in the backseat swimming pool of the car that Kennedy drove off a bridge in Chappaquiddick, a resort near Martha’s Vineyard, in the early 1970’s. The sculptor depicted a bronzed car suspended halfway off a wooden bridge beneath which marble waves rise, suspended forever at high tide, just as the car is suspended forever, halfway between the bridge and the water, between life and death. The title of the sculpture is Turning Point.

The driver, who may have been Ted Kennedy, was NOT drunk, cops say.

“Usually, we don’t accept politically incorrect art,” Del Toro told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies. “This is Massachusetts, after all. But this is a truly exceptional piece of work.”

The driver, who may have been Sen. Kennedy himself, said he did not deliberately crash into the art center to destroy anything and that he was sober, blaming the accident on a vast, right-wing conspiracy. Authorities agree that there was no evidence that the driver, who may have been Sen. Kennedy himself, was inebriated. His blood-alcohol content, as measured by a breath test that the driver took on site, was only 88.48 according to the breathalyzer test. The legal limit is 0.04, so, Massachusetts highway patrolman Dennis Beernuts, said, "He was well below the limit."

The driver was unhurt. He was not issued a citation, but he was asked not to return.

Turning Point was unharmed, and the driver was pointed westward, toward the real Napa Valley vineyard that the mural depicts.