UnNews:Buried treasure up 300%
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Saturday, December 21, 2024, 16:57:59 (UTC) |
| Buried treasure up 300% | 
|
31 December 2008
The Sargasso Sea, Tuesday With banks around the world collapsing and investments going bust on a daily basis, more and more money is being stuffed into huge wooden chests and buried.
"My retirement fund was wiped out in November." said Nebraska based orthodontist Bill Maynard, "So since then, I've been investing in a little nest-egg at Skeleton Cove."
Investment consultant William "Billy" Bones-Hamilton recomends a diversified portfolio of dubloons, silver necklaces, rubies and the gold of the Indies.
"Treasure based investments - or 'booty' as we call it in the business - has long been the underdog of the finance sector, ye scurvy dog," he said. "With the abundance of cheap credit previously available and the rise of the hedge funds, people just didn't want to put their money in a hole in the ground at 0% interest, arrr. Today, that do be looking like a good deal, it be.
"Arr, it do be the black spot, Jim, lad." he added.
"Yarr, I've been waiting years, but now it be me turn, says I," said Captain Edward "Blackbeard" Teach VII. "I started 'Blackbeard and Co. Robbery, Murder, Rape and No Interest Investments' ten years ago, and business had been as vile as a Spaniard's caress. For some reason people didn't want to look me in the evil, leering eye give me their money. Now, every day thousands more people who aren't Rick James are now investing in booty. Business is doing so well, I've been taking on extra bury-ers. I've had to import extra Senegalese slaves with skin as black as me own foul heart."
Critics of the "parchment funds" (so called because they are accessed via a crudely drawn map on yellowed parchment) say that investing money fourteen paces nor-north west of Snake Mountain is a dangerous practice.
"By burying their traysure, these swabs do be taking more money out of yon global economy, me matey," said Peter "Pierre la Morte" Brown, a former Wall Street analyst currently residing in a dumpster. "This can only deepen the recession in all sectors except gold-smithing, Aztec-fighting, chest-construction and parrot-breeding.
"It's just like Adam Smith said:"
- Fifteen economists on a dead man's chest
- Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum
- Indicates that demand for space on a dead man's chest
- Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum
- Outstrips supply by a rate of fifteen-to-one
- Yo ho ho, and it's getting pretty boring
- So only by charging higher rates for standing on a dead man's chest
- Yo ho ho, make him stop! Make him stop!
- Can the shortage be ended.
- Yo ho ho, and he's finally shut up!
Sources[edit]
- Ann Bonny and Mary Reid "Avast! Belay! The economy do be scuppered, it do!". Tortuga Gazette, December 31, 2008