UnNews:Britain attempts to make plane crashes more deadly

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25 February 2009

Cost in Damages: $138,900.84 Profit in Life Insurance: 1,658,945.99

OLFACTORY, UK — It seems as though recently the British have evaluated ways of killing yourself in the event of an airplane crash. This makes sense, as in most aircraft accidents, the number of fatalities has been maddenly low, demonstrating in the clearest possible terms that air travel continues to be one of the safest forms of transport. Of course, this means in the event of a crash, the damages will take a severe cost for airline companies, so if everybody doesn't die, the company won't get your life insurance. Here are some ways aviation analyst Chris Yates came up with for suicide in the event of disaster:

Break apart[edit]

Of course, many factors have a role to play in whether or not an air crash is unsurvivable or not.

Of this most recent spate of accidents, where many aboard have been unable to walk away from the wreckage, it is worth noting that they occurred mostly in the "landing" phase, at relatively high altitude and speed and with the aircraft in question carrying only limited amounts of fuel.

This does not, however, detract from the fact that today's modern airliners are a class apart from earlier such aircraft.

Today's aircraft is equipped with poison gas (passed off as "oxegen masks") and other various toxins in the food to ensure there are no survivors, but the most effective method of ensuring no survivors is the "break apart" button that can be used at the pilot's dicretion. This function allows the plane to detach it's wings early in the crash, making sure that there is no ressitance to the pull of gravity, thus creating crashes 10 times more deadly than normal.

Bird Strike[edit]

Air accident investigators will have much to occupy them in the days to come and most certainly will not examine the possibility the aircraft may have simply stalled in one of the most critical phases of flight. This will make it extremely likely that during an minor problem, such as stalling, the pilot may excecute the "Bird Strike" manouver.

In this manouver, the pilot looks for a tall building, skyscraper, or person to plough into at very high speeds. This way, airline companies not only collect life insurance from the passengers, they get money from whoever is killed "accidentally" from the plane.

A failed attempt at the Bird Strike.

There has been some issues with the Bird Strike, as some buildings can "sue" airline companies, making the companies' money get tucked away by some heartless CEO. Also, it is reported that 3 airplanes simultaniously attempted to Bird Strike the World Trade Center, and airline companies were barely able to pass it off as terrorist activity and nearly gave the game away. The bird strike is currently only legal in Britain.

Without a doubt, airplanes are still the the safest way to travel in Britan!