UnNews:Boy Saves Amsterdam, Sticks Finger in Dyke

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Straight talk, from straight faces UnNews Wednesday, February 28, 2024, 13:00:59 (UTC)

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23 February 2012

Andre Von Glockenspiel with his finger in the dyke.

Amsterdam, The Netherlands -- The Dutch are famous for 3 things, windmills, being lunatics and dykes. The latter, if you didn't already know, are dams used for irrigation. These dykes are essential for agriculture and putting out fires caused by excessive pot smoking. This sounds all nice and dandy but the Dutch have a problem of not replacing anything unless repairs are required. These dykes are really freaking old. It was only a matter of time before one of them broke and such a case occurred in Amsterdam this afternoon.

Dykes are usually put up against the ocean, so there is tremendous pressure on them. The one in Amsterdam sparked a leak and would have eventually filled up the city, causing everyone to drown, and (more importantly) the complete and utter destruction of the Red Light District (basically the Porn capital of the world). News of this leak spread around the city, and everything was in chaos. The government struggled to maintain control and order and eventually, they set up an evacuation of the city. Meanwhile, Andre Von Glockenspiel, 10, was walking back from the Red Light District when he noticed the hole in the dyke, thought about a vagina and stuck his finger in the hole. Andre saved Amsterdam and was proclaimed to be a national hero.

Now that the dyke has been repaired, the Dutch don't want to replace it, meaning that Andre still has is finger stuck in the hole and is likely to remain there for a long while.

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.