UnNews:BP Solves Gulf Coast Oil Spill

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29 May 2010

BP offers free gas at all gas stations to celebrate the wonderful news (until June 30th, contiguous 48 states only).

BABYLON, USA -- BP has made numerous attempts in the last 5 weeks to stop the Gulf of Mexico oil spill, and yesterday afternoon, BP's efforts to cover the oil leak completely was successful after dumping over 9000 tons of mud and cement over the problem.

Since the tragic explosion which resulted in the deaths of 11 people, BP has worked nonstop to find a way to contain the leaking oil pipes, beginning with a 125 ton concrete containment unit, which was a failure due to crystals clogging up the top. Many other efforts were attempted but only the latest attempt named "Top Kill" was successful in stopping the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. With the assistance of a fleet of volunteer dolphins and sea turtles, the oil leakage has been permanently halted, with the leaking pipes entirely filled with mud and cement to an estimated 50-75 feet depth below the seafloor.

BP Spokesperson Ray Dempsey said that without the volunteer help of state officials, local people, and the many fearless sea creatures, the issue would not have been solved so seamlessly or so quickly. BP has promised free lifetime gas to all volunteers for their selfless and great service to the world. No lifetime gas reward will be given to any national government officials "because they didn't do shit", explains Dempsey. President Obama is still trying to pass laws banning deepwater oil field drilling.

After the announcement, scientists at BP released all data collected on the Gulf oil spill, and most surprisingly, it has been revealed that the real amount of gas leaking was just over 5,000 gallons a day, far less than the official number of 200,000 gallons a day, or about a total of a quarter million gallons since the leak began 40 days ago. When asked why they hid the actual numbers from the public, the scientists said that they were willing to make the disaster look far more terrible than it actually was so that more of the public would aide the efforts and so no one at BP would slack off. 90% of the oil spill is believed to have been neutralized, with an estimated 150 fish casualties and only 10 bird casualties. Most photographs of birds coated in black ink were actually birds coming into contact with oil dispersant solvents, which the scientists explained, is composed of 100% Dr. Bronner's organic magic soap and given black food coloring to assist in satellite imaging and is completely harmless to animals when diluted in water.

Finally it was then revealed that the oil field beneath the Deepwater Horizon drilling platform is larger than the whole country of Mexico, and estimated to contain enough oil to last the entire human race for the next two thousand years. Following the news, BP stock increased one hundred-fold, and the Dow Jones Industrial Average rose by 20.8% in the last fifteen minutes before closing Friday. Most economists agree that the recession is over and a new Golden Age has begun.


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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.