UnNews:Annan visits new Martian leaders

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4 August 2006

The Martian capital of K'Glork'kkan is bustling with excitement though its face has returned to being without scrutable expression, as Terran leader Kofi Annan makes an historic visit.

K'GLORK'KKAN, MARS: Visiting UN Secretary General Kofi Annan has praised Mars for making "great strides" but said much more tentacle-leaping is needed to ensure security and human rights. Mr. Annan is making his first visit to the impoverished red planet and is meeting Supreme Overlord Mrtyns Pomlyns and other senior members of the New Kleptocratic Oligarchy Titular Base.

Mr. Annan also called for a 12-month program extension to the NASA Mars rovers Spirit and Opportunity, which were revealed to be providing the only real security amid continuing gang warfare and phaser assault. They were sent there to help restore order after a 2003 revolution which toppled Supreme Overlord Robo-Mah. Earlier reports that the Global Surveyor mission was the source of discovery for life on Mars were proven false, as Annan admitted the fact has been known since the morning of November 22, 1963: an experiment conducted early that afternoon to communicate with the Martian that had taken over John F. Kennedy's brain went horribly awry and had to be blamed on a shooting patsy to calm the public. Zapruder film fans and the United States House Select Committee on Assassinations are reviewing the records for confirmation.

The Secretary General's visit was prompted by last week's accusations by the Martian delegation that British Prime Minister Tony Blair had damaged their mother ship with his Saturday night guitar jamming. That matter is still under investigation. Mr. Annan praised Ambassador David Bowie's efforts thus far in developing relations with the Martians, and confirmed that he expected Mr. Bowie to continue in that capacity. Ambassador Bowie, appearing alongside Annan in the latter's press conference this morning, was heard to say "It Ain't Easy."

The Secretary General said much had been done to improve the security situation on the planet, but repeated his belief that the usual six-month peacekeeping extension should be doubled. He called for better training and ray guns for the Shaporrûrz police force to deal with kidnapping and lawlessness, and expressed concern about an increasingly powerful robotocratic militia, known as Anheuser-Bush.

Mr. Pomlyns, having seized power in February in a tentacleless coup, said the NASA mission had brought benefits but there still existed insecurity and other personality issues, robot gangs, plutonium price increases, unemployment, hunger and the need to rebuild Mars' infrastructure. "After all," Pomlyns was translated as saying, "our capital city is a frowny face carved into rock. If that isn't symbolic, I don't know what is." Mr. Annan said of the robot militia: "These criminals should be ashamed to call themselves Martians. They don't even have tentacles."

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.