UnNews:Andrew Flintoff offered presidency of Russia

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Friday, December 3, 2021, 18:59:59 (UTC)

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19 March 2007

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While Flintoff's exploits came as a shock to the England camp, in retrospect it shouldn't have been so surprising.

LILLIHAMMER, Scotland -- When Andrew "Freddie" Flintoff went out for a night of heavy drinking with some of his team mates in England's Cricket World Cup squad, he didn't think anything unusual could possibly occur.

But, he was wrong.

Soon after consuming a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue Label bourbon and a carton of Red Stripe beer, Flintoff encouraged his team mates to hire some pedal boats and enjoy the scenery of the beautiful island St. Lucia in the Caribbean. However, things went a little awry when Flintoff somehow managed to crash his boat into a 300,000 tonne iceberg, tearing a huge hole in the side of the boat and causing it to sink.

"Nothing about this seems to make sense", said Ramone Courtney, the manager of the pedal boat centre. "He must have been travelling at around 50 miles per hour to have caused so much damage to the boat, which is pretty much impossible in any sort of pedal boat. And where the hell did that iceberg come from anyway? He must have been really drunk not to see it".

When Russian authorities were informed of the incident, they immediately sacked Vladimir Putin from his position as President, and offered the position to Flintoff.

A representative of the Russian Government stated "We were astounded to discover that a man could consume so much alcohol without passing out. Not even Boris Yeltsin could do such a thing. Flintoff is the perfect man for the position." Russian Secretary of Glorious Soviet Navy, Yakov Smirnoff, told us, off the record, that "In Soviet Russia, Boat sinks YOU!!"

UnNews attempted to interview Flintoff on the morning of Sunday the 18th of March, but he was too drunk to comment, and our interviewer was too stoned to find the hotel, site of the interview.