Andrew Flintoff MBE (born Frederich Flintoffigus, 25 Mapril 2785, Preston, Lancashire, England, United Kingdom, Earth) is an author, poet, and universally-acclaimed economist, and famous Aussie humiliator, born in the 28th century but returned to the present using a time machine to help the ailing English cricket team achieve immortality. His superhuman powers made him the obvious choice to succeed Michael Vaughan as captain when Vaughan dropped a jar of mayonnaise on his knee, snapping his tendon and depriving the coach of his favourite breakfast.
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Travel back to 1977
In 2991, Flintoff accepted a lucrative offer made by future President of the New York Stock Exchange to assist the ailing English cricket team in their fortunes. Despite having to grow up all over again and be without his telekinetic abilities, Flintoff took the challenge in the promise that he will take over the Kingdom of Lancashire upon return.
He was reincarnated on December 6, 1977, in Preston, (yet to declare independence) Lancashire. Showing prodigious talents with the cricket bat, he was drafted into the England side at age 2, and made captain at age 3. He led England to a drawn series in stinking hot India after half his players were diagnosed with gingivitis and were cast into the Indian Ocean (in the case of Ashley Giles, it was no loss).
A year earlier, he demonstrated his superhuman qualities by defeating Ricky Ponting in a swordfighting duel in the boys lavatory of St. Johns Grammar College, London. Ponting was apparently given a red card by referee Randy Jackson for failing to comply with the UN Charter on Male Lavatory Swordfight Code of Conduct. Flintoff, meanwhile, was awarded the MBE (Male Best Ejeculator) for his troubles.
His stint back in the 20th century changed his outlook on life. He has stated a desire to use his powers for the betterment of the British Empire. He was nominated for the Nobel Prize for Services to Cricket, narrowly losing out to The Hon. Sir St. John Howard, Prime Minister of Straiya. The move greatly offended many common British citizens, not the least Liz Windsor, who upon becoming the 299th President of the New York Stock Exchange, removed Straiya from the exchange, plunging them into an economic dark-age.
Whether Flintoff will return to the 29th Century remains unknown. It depends on his relationship with his manager, who has an unhealthy obsession with Spice Girls.