UnNews:America Regrets not Electing Samuel L Jackson

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Thursday, December 9, 2021, 14:30:59 (UTC)

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19 January 2009

Samuel L. Jackson looks a bit like Barrack Obama, but cooler.

Across the United States, celebrations over President Elect Obama's looming inauguration have been dampened by the populous' growing concern and regret that Barrack Obama is not Samuel L. Jackson. In the first wave of signs that the Honeymoon period is over before it began, Americans of all races are kicking themselves over the percieved inferiority of their choice. "I just voted for him for a laugh man, I didn't think a black guy would win" said Dave Gibson, a New Hampshire businessman "but now I'm thinking; if we can vote for blacks now, why wasn't it Samuel L. Jackson?". This sentiment was echoed by Greg Snickers, respected Chess Champion and strongman; "Obama looks kind of shrivelled, don't you think? Like he's got tuberculosis or his mother OD'ed on Thalidomide. Samuel L. Jackson would bring down the wrath of God on our enemies but Obama just looks like he would flap his malformed limbs and nosebleed over them, no offence to retards and whatnot."

Mr Jackson was not available for comment however outgoing President, George W Bush did give a short statement. "Heck, I voted for Samuel L. Jackson. I crossed out Obama's name and wrote 'Sammy Boy' underneath it. That's what I call him, see? He calls me 'Vanillachops'. I just gone and drew a goatee moustache on Obama's picture on the ballot and put some real colour on his face. Y'all have a good term now."

Clearly, a shameful day has come upon the USA and pundits nationwide are all asking the same question: Why America? Why?!


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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.