UnNews:Abbott: 'I support smuggling budgies, not people'

This article may be Overly Australian. Pommies may not understand funny stuff, only humour. Canucks and Yanks may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing and she'll be right, mate!

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Thursday, November 21, 2024, 14:37:59 (UTC)

2 January 2011

Abbott says that, compared to him, Julia Gillard is 'unfit' for office.

SYDNEY, Australia -- After GetUp won a charity auction for a surf lesson, the Opposition Leader, Tony Abbott says he will teach Afghan refugee Riz Wakil both how to stand up on his surfboard, and how to point it towards Christmas Island.

Tony Abbott denied that the lesson showed he was going soft on refugees. "Our policy is, um, the, ah, same as it, er, always was," he stammered painfully. "We, ah, decide who comes to this country, and the surfing-stances in which they come."

GetUp has said that it will be a great opportunity for Abbott to hear the real stories of refugees, not just the ones that the Coalition makes up in the midst of close election campaigns.

"We hope Tony is all ears." said a GetUp spokesperson whilst bravely hiding a snigger. "Actually, we know he is all ears. We just hope he listens."

Liberal insiders are saying that the lessons may offer a great photo opportunity for the Opposition Leader. "We have even asked Wakil to bring along his kids," said Sen. Nick Minchin. "And then when they fall off the surfboard we will release the photo and claim that the refugee guy threw them in the water. It's political and PR genius."

Wakil said the help from GetUp was the second time an online fundraising group had helped him out. "When I wanted to leave Afghanistan, the people at GetOut helped to raise money for my people-smugglers," he addmitted.

The decision by Abbott to honour the GetUp win has placed the Labor Government in a difficult position. "We can't decide if we are copying Tony Abbott's tough stance on refugees or John Howard's tough stance on refugees," said one Labor insider. "So we don't know whether Julia should now be giving surfing lessons as well. Although, we may not get that opportunity, as Rangas can't tolerate the sun."

The prize of a dinner with Julia Gillard sold for substantially less at the charity auction than the lessons with Abbott. When asked why they didn't buy the meal with the Prime Minister for the refugees instead, a GetUp spokesperson said "They've suffered enough."