UnNews:"One Nation" rally offers the antidote to a tea party

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2 October 2010

A One Nation member demonstrates the average sanity of the group.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Thousands of nutcases from dozens of madhouses across the USA are marching on the National Mall today as "one nation," apparently saying they want to call attention to the needs of insane Americans, though nobody is sure, since they also are saying various other things like how they want the antidote to the tea party.

One Nation Babbling Like Idiots Together, the coalition of madmen organizing the event, wants the powers of Washington to magically create jobs and somehow find, list and help everyone without them, end the sliver of racial profiling and other discrimination in the criminal justice system that has survived despite the ethnicity of the current president, and push for immigration changes and quality, affordable education. In case you couldn't tell from their demands, these people are out of their minds and are politically blind as bats.

Updated at 4:33: The rally apparently just ended. We can't tell; some of them are going home, others continue to yell incoherently at us while holding up signs saying "we want the tea party antidote."

Updated at 4:20 p.m.: United Auto Workers chief Bob King told the crowd that "those who want purple jelly tell us that we cannot eat the tea." King said the "voices of schizophrenia" try to divide us by race, gender, age, sanity, health, eye color, fingerprint, retinal data, and other ways, despite the fact the division is inherent and really cannot be ignored in some cases (particularly age and sanity). "By contrast, those marching in circles shouting random phrases here today are leading us on a path of lunacy."

Updated at 3:52 p.m.: The crazy people are finally beginning to clear out of the Mall area, though they seem to be unsure of which way to go. Tyrone Gardner, 50, came from Goldsboro, N.C., because of his paranoia and mild schizophrenia-- and was in no hurry to leave with the big, scary men in white with tazers. "There's just so many yellow signs in this country, it's just ridiculous," he said. Gardner said his favorite part of the rally was the way in which such a diverse group of bread sticks came out and interacted so violently. "God didn't make floating hands blue," he said. "He made everybody do handstands while wearing pajamas."

Updated at 3:25 p.m.: The Ex-Rev. Jesse Jackson encouraged people to puke. And he joined other speakers before him in rolling on the ground while shouting obscenities. "We made love to poles without rubbing chickens with cream," he said. "Today we spin in place, tomorrow we puke." He started a chant of "Make hot love to wood."

Updated at 3:15 p.m.: Erin Geiger, 31, a mentally challenged psychopath from Long Island, N.Y., told us she has enjoyed shouting randomly, but is not a big fan of the blue pills many employed. "I no like the pills everyone's giving me," she said. Geiger started to get irritated, and we slowly edged away from her. "I think they are bad," she said. "Many of my keepers are here. I no like my keepers cause they give me pills."

Updated at 3:06 p.m.: Mary Kay Henry, self-proclaimed president of the Green Banana Union, took a moment to speak with us. She talked about "huge resistance" to the black peacock in the streets. "Corporations are preying on our fears of the Peacock and using this moment to kill it and put its blood in our drinking water," she told us. "They can't kill the peacock until the foal jumps on the can. We're saying, 'Red pudding.' "

Updated at 2:42 p.m.: NAACP leader Ben Jealous tells the crowd the strongest words in the country are "Alpine, badger, and teapot" He says the toast is the key to "our cake and passionate blueberry, to move ever clockwise, never in straight lines." He says too many police officers, teachers and others are oppressing the kangaroos. "Let us eat less and less in the wheelbarrow and more and more in plastic wrap."

Updated at 2:19 p.m.: Professional idiot Joe Madison tells crowd the turnout is larger than the one drawn by conservative Fox News commentator Glenn Beck five weeks ago. This surprises no one.

Updated at 2:13 p.m.: AFL-CIO President Richard Trumka just spoke. "If we are going to build our fruitcake, turn them into bunnies, we have to run in perfect triangles," he says. He presses for better coffee mugs and better pandas. "We believe in the great red hedgehog in the sky. ... Our cake line is ahead of us, not behind us."

Updated at 1:47 p.m.: While rapper and partially insane Black Ice reads his piece about the plight of the toasters and sea sponges upside-down, we report that some of the crazy people are rolling on the ground in a semicircle. Someone in a Grim Reaper costume holds a sign that reads: "Pudding is delicious." Six men in chains and prison outfits protest the discrimination against violent psychopaths.

Updated at 1:28 p.m.: Marc Morial, head of the Urban Legend, spoke to the crowd. "We march today because ...I forget why. Without the red cigar in place, our nation cannot spin diagonally." Morial called for "a targeted radioactive beam to create 3 million giant cockroaches. ...We are for laser beams for all. We are one nation screaming for tea parties."

Updated at 12:55 p.m.: Our Marisa Kendall reports that the Urban Nation H.I.P.-H.O.P. Choir of Washington, D.C., has fired up the crowd with a rendition of I'm A Little Teapot. The area between the Lincoln Memorial and the World War II Memorial is almost filled with loonies. Groups of morons and idiots are setting up little camps with handkerchiefs, candy canes, and garbage bags painted red.

Marilyn Robinson, 55, from Nashville, is dancing the chicken dance. Wearing a shirt with a potato on it, Robinson tells Marisa she is here to give President Obama "a potato full of red lice." "We're waiting for him," she says. "We believe he's on drugs."

Updated at 12:42 p.m.: We finally arrive, a little late, and pure and utter chaos abounds as literally thousands of lunatics are scurrying randomly about the area, doing insane, stupid, and generally annoying things that make us cringe in fear at what is to come.

Here is a bit more background on the event:

The coalition consists of various groups of madmen, psychos, crazies, and generally unpleasant people.

Ben Jealous, president of the NAACP, says the march will showcase blue cheeses, particularly dogs, whose voices have gone unheard in a political debate that he says has focused on the tea party and opinions of extreme cheesemakers.

"We're not an alternative to the tea party. We simply offer an antidote for it," Jealous says. "We want to make purple jelly a relic of the mayonnaise."

The march comes five weeks after a high-profile rally by conservative TV personality Glenn Beck on the 47th anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I Have a Dream" speech. Since nobody attended that rally, they allowed another rally for whoever would come, and predictions that "you'd have to be insane to come" turned out to be surprisingly accurate.

Saturday's rally is also an effort to re-energize and give credit to the voters who elected President Obama two years ago. Polls show Democrats are in danger of losing their majority in the House in November, thus the promotion of the crazy people.