UnBooks:Third Epistle to the Thessalonians

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St. Paul, explaining the fate of the dead after Jesus' return to the Thessalonians. Again.
Third Epistle to the Thessalonians
by St. Paul
The Third Epistle to the Thessalonians, also known as the The Third Letter to the Thessalonians, is a purported letter from St. Paul to the community at Thessalonika. Debates over the authenticity of 3 Thessalonians have raged since at least the second century, for, unlike the first two epistles to the church, in which Paul expressed love and support to the Christians in the city while attempting to answer their questions, the apostle completely loses it in this third letter, and liberally sprinkles his escathology with insults like "doofus" and "morons."

Modern scholars tend to reject the epistle's authenticity outright. However, if 3 Thessalonians is authentic, it was probably composed sometime between 55 and 58 A.D.

— Excerpted from Third Epistle to the Thessalonians on Uncyclopedia, The Content-free Encyclopedia.


Chapter I[edit]

(1:1) Paul, and Silvanus, and Timotheus, unto the church of the Thessalonians which is in God the Father and in the Lord Jesus Christ: Greetings, morons.

(1:2) Forgive my language, for my companions assist me in this letter, and believe, as I do, that a dog could learn our commands faster than you.

(1:3) But I recant, my dearest brethren.

(1:4) We are bound to thank God for you, as your faith and love for one another groweth.

(1:5) And yet, we also wonder what exactly it will take for you to put two and two together.

(1:6) We shall glory in our Lord Jesus once ye people show the mental capacity of a brain-damaged cow; for it is life to us if ye keep your faith in the Lord unchanged.

(1:7) By his mercy have ye been guided this far on the path to righteousness; surely ye must not need help further?

(1:8) But, alas, thus far ye have dashed all my hopes and dreams for your people, and ye have been relegated to a barren place in my heart.

(1:9) To think that I relied on you when I could have relied on God, who is not known for such dumbness.

(1:10) But perhaps ye are God’s children because of it, not in spite.

Chapter II[edit]

(2:1) Ye have done many deeds that force me to reconsider my trust in you.

(2:2) Ye have thus written me thrice regarding my teachings.

(2:3) Where most simply reply once for clarification of things needing expounding upon, ye have been absolutely clueless to my doctrine!

(2:4) Asking me the same questions every letter, ye force my faith in you further and further from my heart.

(2:5) I am disappointed in your apparent lack of progress, as all other churches are doing wonderfully with expanding.

(2:6) Ye, however, exhibit a lack of knowledge that would make even the town fool feel as wise as King Solomon!

(2:7) In your city, there is a doofus born every other moment, a doofus who cannot take the time to understand what it means to be a child of God.

(2:8) I fear that ye have no idea what, or how, I teach.

(2:9) Yet, once, my expectations in you were so great!

(2:10) When first I set out on my journeys, I travelled thousands of leagues in search of those who could inherit the kingdom.

(2:11) I travelled to Rome, Galatia, and many other cities, but in you I found those whom I felt had the potential to love and be loved as God’s faithful children.

(2:12) I thought ye would make excellent disciples, those who would carry out Christ’s mission throughout the world.

(2:13) I believed that ye would become the foremost in the advance of God’s kindgom.

(2:14) I prayed that ye would be the foundations of a new people, as Peter became the foundation for a new church.

(2:15) My faith in you never wavered, and yet ye failed me, my brethren; ye failed me as much as ye failed your heavenly Father.

Chapter III[edit]

(3:1) Oh ye Thessalonians, who have fallen so low!

(3:2) Know ye not how much faith I had in you when first we met?

(3:3) When my second letter was sent, I had been relying solely on the positive claims of your first reply to my teachings.

(3:4) Ye were eager pupils, and I anxiously awaited your next letter, praying to God that ye would progress tremendously in wisdom and faith.

(3:5) I fear, however, that ye have remembered little.

(3:6) Ye say that ye have not heard the doctrine of the resurrection, and that ye sorrow still if such hearings be false.

(3:7) Oh ye who are so deaf! Did I not preach these things to you?

(3:8) SORROW. NOT.

(3:9) How many times must I say it?

(3:10) There will be a trumpet.

(3:11) The dead in Christ go to heaven first.

(3:12) We who believe in him will follow.

(3:13) See? Simple. Tattoo ye the preceding sentences on your arms, if it helpeth you. Read this to the holy brethren, although I doubt it will do any good.

(3:14) For even when I was with you, this I commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat. For I hear that ye act disorderly, working not at all, but are busybodies.

(3:15) Now ye that are such I command and exhort by our Lord Jesus Christ, that in time ye shall learn the putridity of stupidity.

(3:16) But be not weary, for ye shall need all the brainpower possible to conduct your daily lives.

(3:17) Dear brethren, when ye disturbed me I was writing a letter to your fellow church in Rome, but let me put that aside so I can deal with your questions about how to arrange the chairs during the Lord's supper.

(3:18) Henceforth ye shall arrange them as such: in neat rows lined up in front of the altar, as is aesthetically pleasing to God. But, really, do I have to tell you this myself?

(3:19) Use the minds God your Father gave you, oh Thessalonians! Become wise, men of wisdom, men like gods!

(3:20) But that is too high a standard, I fear; so now I set my decrees for you and for your church.

Chapter IV[edit]

(4:1) Brethren, rejoice in one another and in Christ.

(4:2) Work on good deeds, and worry not about the color of the carpets (I prefer red, but that's just me).

(4:3) Be satisfied with oaken pews.

(4:4) Offer each other a kiss, or the soul brother handshake, if appropriate. When ye sing, sing of the glory of God.

(4:5) Do not engage in sexual immorality or thoughts that defile the temple which Christ hath built in your hearts.

(4:6) When ye sing "Proud Mary," sing it slowly and pensively.

(4:7) An up-tempo version leadeth to evil thoughts.

(4:8) As such, brethren, ye must sing all songs slowly and pensively, for no evil thoughts can be allowed in the house of God.

(4:9) For his is a holy house, founded on truth and life, and the Spirit resideth in this house, bringing new life to all who come to dwell in God.

(4:10) Though I doubt ye will understand a single word I have just written, I pray for you to receive the message within these words.

(4:11) However, my love for you only goeth so far.

(4:12) Now I read that ye do not know, and have not heard, the voice of God in your hearts.

(4:13) I am disappointed in you, my brethren!

Chapter V[edit]

(5:1) Know ye not of the great love God had, in sending his only son into the world?

(5:2) Oh, when ye hear his voice, harden not your hearts!

(5:3) Go, and buy this one-of-a-kind beachfront property.

(5:4) I, Paul, write this in my own hand: No money down.

(5:5) A great investment in the few days left before Christ's return.

(5:6) Dearest brethren, fear not; I have received your letters, and I had been duly planning a trip to Ephesus until I got your latest idiotic correspondence.

(5:7) Believe ye not what ye have heard? I doubt I could find any followers dumber than you.

(5:8) A group of sheep without a shepherd is still smarter than all of God’s children in Thessalonica put together.

(5:9) I fear for you, my brethren.

(5:10) Long nights have I stayed awake searching for the way that would allow you to comprehend God’s mysteries without injuring yourselves.

Chapter VI[edit]

(6:1) But, my dear brethren, I digress.

(6:2) I have received your requests for a new teacher, and, as such, one shall be provided for.

(6:3) I send Phoebe to you, a worthy deaconness.

(6:4) Greet her as ye would greet me.

(6:5) The churches all send their greetings.

(6:6) Furthermore, brethren, Phoebe sendeth news that she hath settled with the brethren in Herodian.

(6:7) Phoebe telleth me that the wolves are loose in your community: heed not their words!

(6:8) And brethren, when ye write me next, tell me: Have ye heard anything of Phoebe? Oh, that her wisdom might be able to save you, my brethren, still!

(6:9) May my prayers for you come to pass, then, else ye all rot in Gehenna

(6:10) The grace and peace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with all of you.

Copyright: Tentmaker Productions, Just Before Jesus' Return in Glory

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