UnBooks:The Bootylicious Beginning
A Series of Unformal Events: Book the First, The Bootylishous Beginning
"Oooooooh! AHHHH, yetch, umph!"
Krout grimaced, and hurried along down the hall towards the kitchen. He had heard this twice before, but this was the first time it almost sounded mutual. Klaus could not even bear to think of it, so he put it out of his mind as he stepped into the horridly grimy kitchen. There, his baby sister "Chomp" was gnawing on an empty crack-cocaine vial, and banging a wooden spoon on the floor.
"I know things seem pretty bad right now Chomp," said Krout, "But it will get better. We will find a way to get out of here and we will all go and live with a happy family."
"yea rite muta fucka, we'sa gointa be a-livin by owselves by tha sound-o tha shit!", said Chomp.
Chomp, like most babies her age, still used a language of minced nonsense words and expression she had picked up off the street. Fortunately Krout knew exactly what she was saying. It translated to something like, "I'm not entirely convinced we can take Vagoletta with us."
"Whoooah! Yeeeesh! OHHH!", more noises came drifting from upstairs.
Krout sighed. He knew his sister Crunch could be right. Ever since Countess Ola had taken to "personally tutoring" Vagoletta, their chances for escape together had grown slim. He was simply going to have to stop reading Playboy and Maxim magazines and read something useful.
As Vagoletta sat in her slip looking out the window at the darkening evening sky, she couldn't help but recall the last hour she had spent with the Countess. At first, she had told herself that it was vicious child abuse. How could her own guardian be so cruel? But soon she had almost started to enjoy the time she spent conversing with the Countess. After all, Vagoletta realized, hadn't she been the one that had flaunted her stuff by wearing tight tank tops and sweaters? Vagoletta could even recall a time when she had purposefully left one of her electric inventions on the Countess' table.
So what? Vagoletta still thought it was pretty presumptive the way the Countess had just invited her up to the room that one day. However, Vagoletta couldn't deny that she liked it. She shivered a little, part from the cold and part from the realization that she might be slut. Vagoletta wrapped a blanket tightly around her shoulders and let out a little sigh.
Then her mind wandered to the tattoo. What did it mean? Why was there such a symbol on her guardians behind? It seemed odd. And why was it made up of letters too? She could swear it said VFD, which seemed queer to Vagoletta. She resolved to determine the answer as she watched a teenage girl being Double Teamed by some Police in the alley across the street, and was just a little jealous.
Krout awoke early to the sound of hookers being shot outside his window. He yawned, stretched, and reached for a copy of "Jungle Adventures" for a little light reading before he made breakfast. After his morning routine, Krout got dressed and went downstairs to get his morning chore list.
Countess Ola sat at the kitchen table sipping Lavender tea and fiddling with her gray cap. Krout winced when he saw her, because he hated dikes, even dikes as hot as Countess Ola. If she would only slip into a small dress and stop eating his sister, he thought she would maybe be an ok guardian. But no, today Ola looked like a chimney boy, complete with gray baggy trousers. Krout feared it was one of her weird fetishes, or worse, one of Vagoletta's.
"Krooout", Ola sang out, "I need you to clean that filthy kitchen up, and when your done would you be a dear and wash yesterday's clothes. Oh, and don't forget the dishes, they're in the sink."
Krout groaned, he knew what "dishes" meant, and it wasn't fun. He got his sister Chomp dressed, fed her some growth hormones, and headed to the kitchen. Then he remembered that he hadn't seen Vagoletta all morning. He rushed upstairs to her room, and without knocking, entered.
Upon opening the door, Krout suddenly felt awkward. Awkward is a word which here means "the process of suddenly seeing two complete strangers shmaboinking your sister when you least expected it". And Krout was definitely one of few people to truly experience this definition in the fullest. What Krout saw made his stomach turn over. Or did it? He hadn't ever seen two "real" girls naked before even if one was his sister. He could have done without the guy though. That was just gross. He was utterly taken, however, by the blonde who had her face on his sister bosom. He hadn't noticed Vagoletta had such big breasts until now. Ugh, he simply must not think things like that.
Vagoletta fixed Krout with a look of surprise. "I'm sorry Krout," she said, "I don't know what came over me."
"Umm," stammered Krout, "Breakfast is, err, ready?"
At this point the two people on his sister looked up. "Hello," said the man situated most conveniently on top of Vagoletta, "I'm Durk Quagmember. I, err, met your sister in class last week."
"Me too," said the blond,"I'm his sister, Isiwhora."
"Umm, pleasure," said Krout, still a bit distracted by the blonde.
"Well don't be a party pooper," said Vagoletta, "Take your pants off. I can see your dying to."
"Umm," said Krout.
"Don't worry," said Isawhora, "If it is your first time, I'll be glad to go solo on you."
Chomp sat on the kitchen floor chewing up some old porn magazines Krout had left there. Why did her guardian have to choose now of all times to go lingerie shopping? She could swear there was an orgy going on upstairs. Chomp wasn't sure what exactly an orgy was, but she guessed it was probably illegal and involved monkeys. She resolved to get a spoon, sharpen it with her teeth, and crawl upstairs to find out.
Although Chomp had learned a lot during her 2 weeks with the Latin Kings, it was of little use to her in this instance. She didn't want to kill her siblings, just the other freaks and the monkeys, but she wouldn't be able to spoon throw less her aim was off. She was going to have to street fight them with one big spoon.
Chomp finally found a serving spoon, and sharpened it to a razor point. She hacked the tail off a rat to be sure. Yep, this would do. Chomp then set out for the two hour crawl up the spiral staircase. She just hoped the traffic wasn't too bad today.
Countess Ola arrived home to hear the joyous noise of initiation, a word which here means that someone was losing something. She could tell that there was a lot going on. Wasting no time, she made her way to the stairs. She quickly dashed up them, not noticing she had kicked the baby back down the stairs.
"I eehz gonna keel yo foo ass hiney u fukin moron!," said Chomp, and expression that meant something like, "You'd better be glad Mr. Poe took my Beretta 6.5 mm pocket pistol away before he left us here."
Once upstairs, Ola tried to join in the fun, but was rejected by everyone. Even Vagoletta scorned her in favor of Isiwhora. Krout and Durk were just watching the girls, and paid no mind to Ola. Ola decided she might as well watch too, so she grabbed her iPhone and took a seat.
Mr. Poe knew something was wrong. He just sensed it. At first Countess Ola had been seemed nice enough, but now he was beginning to worry that the children weren't getting enough solid work experience. "Why I bet the baby doesn't even have regular chores!," Mr. Poe said to himself, "She probably just sits around coloring all day or worse yet, looking at picture books."
As Mr. Poe parked the car in front of Countess Ola's mansion, he resolved that he was going to make sure Krout and Vagoletta get some decent jobs. He knocked on the door. No answers. He knocked again.
This time Chomp opened the door with her teeth, and pulled it ajar. "Chomp," said Mr. Poe, "Is that you wearing that ridiculously large sweater?"
"So wa ifi is, bitch?", said Chomp, "You packin, cuz if you iz, i ain't letting yo skinny white ass in dis joint!"
But Mr. Poe had no clue what the child meant, so he opened the door the rest of the way and let himself in. Chomp promptly bit a chunk of leather off his shoe, and began to chew rigorously on it. However, Mr. Poe didn't even notice, so he simply continued on his way. He called out, but got no response, so he headed upstairs. Once upstairs, he heard something that sounded strangely familiar. It took him a while to place the sound, but eventually he realized that it sounded like a milkshake maker. "Milkshakes," Mr. Poe mumbled to himself, "I knew there was something fishy going on!"
Mr. Poe walked up to the door he heard the noise coming from. He heard other noises too, and imagined the children were really enjoying their milkshakes. He decided to open the door without knocking in order to catch them in the act.
The expression "caught in the act" can have many meanings. For example, it can be used to refer to a dreadfully unfortunate writer being caught by the Twilight Inspectors while trying to pour Ragu pasta sauce into key-holes after dark while dressed as a Muppet. It could refer to when the police caught the Twilight Inspectors flogging me, or it could refer to when I finally caught the man that was stealing my cheese each morning. However, in this case it meant something different. It meant that Mr. Poe had found two girls participating in a very sacred and ancient ritual dating back to Greek times. This however, made it no less serious.
What Mr. Poe saw, he could never have imagined. Naked children! What an outrage, as if Chomp's sweater wasn't bad enough. Mr. Poe decided drastic measures were necessary, as allowing the children to go without proper clothing was a dire offense for a guardian.
"Where are these children's clothes?" he asked Ola, "And what are the Quagmembers doing here?"
"Ummm," stammered Ola, "We were just getting ready for baths."
"I don't believe it," said Mr. Poe, "I think you are blatantly denying the children clothes to save money." Somehow, Mr. Poe failed to notice the vibrator, and Vagoletta quickly slipped it under a pillow. At this point, Mr. Poe resolved to make a speech.
"Bootylaires," said Mr. Poe, "I fear that I am going to have to remove you from this home. As for Isiwhora and Durk, they are going to be sent back to Pre-dental school."
"NOOO," cried Isiwhora and Durk in unison.
Vagoletta sulked as she rode in the car that was carrying her away from all hope of daily sexual encounters. At least she still had her brother with her, but she wasn't that desperate, not yet. She looked out the window at the passing fields of opium poppies filled with slave laborers, and suddenly realized she was feeling almost euphoric. Vagoletta's hand crept under her dress.
"Vagoletta, stop that!' cried Krout, "How can you even imagine doing that here."
"Shut up Krout," said Vagoletta, "I don't know what came over me. Must be the air or something. Besides its not the same for girls as it is for boys." Krout just gave her a sarcastic smile, and went back to reading the Kama Sutra. Vagoletta decided she was just going to have to improvise, a word which here means, "invent something to do the dirty work discreetly." She reached into her pocket for a ribbon, and used it to tie up her hair.
"Oh shit, here comes da ribbon," said Chomp. And expression that meant Chomp was sure Vagoletta was up to something dumb.
But Vagoletta ignored her, and pulled part of a battery powered mini-motor out of her pocket. She next stuck her hand in between her cleavage, and produced a mini screwdriver, some smooth beach stones, and a small vial of crazy glue. Vagoletta smiled to herself, she knew she was the best teenage inventor to ever have lived. She decided it didn't really matter where she was, she could still find happiness. Vagoletta, still mourning the fact that she wouldn't see her old guardian again determined that she would simply have to make the best of her new life with her uncle, Edward Full Monty.
Join us next time for when Chomp discovers that snakes can be used as weapons but Vagoletta discovers an even more interesting use.
Letter to Publisher
Dear Publisher, you will find my next volume in locker 26B of the Girl's Locker Room of South Central High in Brookfield. It will be nestled in between a rather sweaty bra and a pink thong. Oh, and apologies in advance for the stains on the documents. What can I say, Investigative Journalism can be a demanding and messy job.
“That's it darling. No, don't stop. Oh wait, yes, now for the bio.”
The author of this story has been hiding in a terribly grim whore-house with Venetian wall hangings and 16th-century oil lamps for the last twenty days, and is truly almost out of Ducats as a result. He fears returning to the surface, as members of the notorious Vaginal Friction Detail are still waiting to ambush him with tubes of Astro Lube with the sole intention of encasing him in a giant glass dildo as a form of cruel punisment. He will attempt to disguise himself as a homosexual traveling performer, and plans to be in Mexico by the time this book is published.