UnBooks:Homies Guide To Using A Public Telephone

White people, on the otherhand, use public telephones for entirely different reasons.

All good homies use public telephones at all times, whether they have someting to say or not. We'll add up homie points as we go so that all of you aspiring homies can see where the "cred" kicks in for you.

• First thing, ride up to the phone booth on one of those tricked-out bikes that look as though they should be ridden by a ten year-old chicano and LEAN into the booth without dismounting (+1 HP). You get extra homie-points if the bike is stolen.
• Don't even consider paying for the call - check the slot for lost coins (+1 HP). If empty, call collect and stick someone else with the tab (+5 HP). Calling collect can be tricky but it's no different than when you call your legal-aid lawyer from the cell block. Remember, paying for services is for whitey.
• When you call the operator, be sure to mumble and become angry when she asks you to repeat yourself (+1 HP). When she asks you for the number you are trying to call, refer to your cancelled cell's phone book.
• If someone comes up to the phone, do not acknowledge them (+1 HP)- especially if they're white (+10 HP). Your call is important and they can wait on your ass to finish. Also, never, ever, make eye contact with anyone who is waiting to use the phone and be sure to suck your teeth if they axe how long you are going to be (+2 HP). Once again, manners and courtesy are for whitey.

So Who You Gonna' Call?

Now that we've covered the basics it's time for you to call someone. A true homie would never call people like the teachers at their illegitimate child's school or a classified ad for a job. Lucky for you that everyone you know ain't got no shit to do and you are guaranteed to get them on the line. Here's a quick list of people to call:

1. Babymommas. If you are over 14 you'll have at least one. Don't call between 10:00 and 11:00 because we all know that Maury's on and she'll be watching with her aunts, her moms, other bastard children, and an assortment of other “peeps” who just happen to be uncharacteristically unemployed at the moment.
2. Your probation officer. It might not be the day that was scheduled but hey, you've got a few minutes on your hands and you just HAVE to be on a phone anyway. Once again, mumble and get angry when the secretary tells you that he's unavailable.
3. Your "boys". Say things like "'sup", "nuttin'", and "knowwuhimsayin'" as often as possible and be sure to gesture with your hands, nod, and mumble.
4. No one. It's no different than when you walk around with a cancelled cellphone. Just keep the phone to your ear and hold your crotch with the other hand. Yell, swear, and bend your knees while saying "damn" repeatedly. As far as other homies go, they'll see that you are doing "bidness" and nod with approval.

And there you have it, homies! At least 20 homie points and the respect of your peeps await!

This page was originally sporked from MoynihanInstitute.org.