Travelodge

Travelodge is cheap for a reason.

“Grana-na-nana-da!”

~ Granada Television on the takeover of Forte Travelodge

Travelodge is a chain of budget hotels in the U.K. and U.S. formerly owned by Alan Sugar. Then the BBC stole it from him but had no spare television channel on which to air it. As a result, the chain ended up being owned by Moto, which sounds like a mobile telephone company but is not. The selling out continued and Travelodge is now owned by some Arabs.

The 'Safer Hotel'

Recently company executives realised that running a hotel business was really quite expensive. This was mainly because the people who only have enough money to stay in a hotel are inherently stupid and will do pretty much whatever they can do, and as a result end up injuring themselves in the process. So Travelodge embarked on a new business strategy to create the ultimate hotel where it was virtually impossible for anyone to get hurt.

The 'Safer Hotel' strategy works on the following health and safety principles.

• No restaurant — You may get food poisoning
• No toiletries — They're so small that you might mistake them for sweets and swallow them.
• No toilet paper — Paper wraps stone so it must be dangerous.
• No toilet — Stops kids trying to mimic a certain scene from the movie Trainspotting
• No shower — You might get knifed to death.
• No shower curtain — It may inhibit the emergency services.
• No bath — You might drown.
• No sink — That's what the Titanic did and look what happened there!
• No water — Especially 'hard' water
• No bathroom — Not really much point.
• No desk — You might bang your knees.
• No chair — Chairs can be dangerous if misused.
• No wardrobe — You may find yourself in a magical land and get abducted by a strange pale-faced lady on a sleigh.
• No hangers — You might hang yourself.
• No television — You might get square eyes.
• No heater — No idea why they don't have these.
• No sockets — Again, this one eludes us all.
• No bed — You might die in your sleep.
• No bedroom door — You might trap your fingers.
• No bedroom — Empty rooms are still dangerous.
• NO SOUP FOR YOU — Come back, one year!

Consequently, the safest option for Travelodge's customers was to simply go home. This saved the company millions of pounds a year in employment, construction, and general running costs. Travelodge now rip people off for as much as at least £50 each night for the privilege of sleeping in a field. These fields can be literally anywhere including farm land, a national park, or someone's back garden. Travelodge still offer complimentary towels, as not one of their customers has worked out how to hang themselves with one of these, yet. They also offer a complimentary tent, although due to health and safety reasons, they have been refused permission to supply ropes or tent pegs with them, as customers might trip over it and strangle themselves.