Tiananmen Square

“*squish*”

~ A tank on some guy that got in the way

“Why don't you ask the kids?”

~ System of a Down on how to hypnotize political views

A clumsy man is almost hit by a tank on his way home from work. He stops, stunned for so long that several other tanks have to stop. It was not long before road rage escalated to a massacre.

Tiananmen Square (simp.: 天安门), in Beijing, China, is the only square kilometer of China that remains completely unoccupied by people (most of the time).

History

On his visit to China, President Richard Nixon noted the overcrowded-ness of the nation, and quipped, "I'll bet you 10 bucks that you guys don't even have a single square kilometer that doesn't have one of you guys in it." Upon investigation, the Chinese government determined that what Nixon said was true. Shortly thereafter, for fear of losing the $10, Chairman Mao Zedong established the Square, and set up a perimeter around it to keep the citizens and tourists out. Since then, the Square has been an icon of Chinese control.

In 1989, college students, protesting the restrictive nature of the Chinese government, used the Square to exhibit their defiance of Chinese authority. Several students broke through the defenses of the Square, and simply stood about. Angered by this act, the Chinese government sent remote-control led tanks into the Square to chase them out. Unfortunately, the tanks proved hard to control, and several students were killed. Some individuals saw this as a tragedy, while many others rejoiced at these events, as they opened up new funding lines for poor graduate students. If it was not for this event, George W. Bush would not have been able to attend Yale in Beijing.

Because China is Communist and restrictive of the wonderful internet, Chinese people are unable to Google the events at Tiananmen Square. In fact, their control over all forms of media is better than that of American programs such as the FCC. If a Chinese man were caught investigating Tiananmen Square, he would be punished as though he had been stealing from the Big Cookie himself, Mao Zedong - with a horrible, horrible death, and his body ground up and put in a jar, after which he would certainly not be fine. Because of this, most Chinese people stick to working themselves to death in the rice fields, struggling together to serve the great collective and pray that someday they will be liberated by the mighty Americans, who are harbingers of awesomeness and make the world happy.

Chronology of the 1989 Protests

Mao Zedong, happily crushing tanks as though they were aluminum cans, blissfully unaware of an Israeli nuclear missile coming in his direction.

January 29, 1989: The poorly named and planned Chernobyl II nuclear power plant in China was based exactly on the same blueprint of its ill-fated Ukrainian predecessor. It exploded, spreading nuclear radiation all over China and mutating people into brain-dead zombies who wrought havoc by declaring China to be a Communist People's Republic, which was unexpected since China hadn't been Communist for over a decade. They killed and ate the brains of anyone who resisted. This environmental disaster also caused a massive power surge, which hit the cryogenic preservation chamber of Mao Zedong, bringing him back to life as a zombie.

February 2, 1989: Led by the zombie Mao Zedong, the zombies (mutated by exposure to radiation) proceeded to take over the Chinese government.

February 15, 1989: Through a bizarre coup d'état which involved many instances of violence and brain-eating, the faggits managed to take control of the government. However, nobody noticed nor cared, since for the average Chinese citizen it wouldn't matter whether zombies controlled the government or not, especially since it'd suck anyway, and the former leaders looked just as old and sapped as the zombies. However, a relatively young and enraged Li Peng begged to differ, yet pretended to be a zombie himself in order to avoid being killed and forced to follow the Confucian tradition of always obeying superiors, zombie or otherwise.

February 20, 1989: Confident with their power, the zombies proceeded to order The East is Red to be played on all radio stations, television channels, and PA systems throughout all of China 24/7. Many people were driven to the brink of insanity after a week of listening to this catchy, yet absurd song. The suicide rate and cases of mental illness began increasing by 400% every day.

February 28, 1989: After a student at the University of Beijing was beaten to death by zombies for refusing to listen to The East is Red, a group of college students were roused to action to demand that the zombies be expelled from the government. However, nobody cared, as the government would be the same whether run by zombies or not.

March 4, 1989: A few students acquired a cache of AK47s, and proceeded to kill 1000 zombies and destroy all radios and electronic equipment with a loudspeaker. The zombie government condemned the action and apprehended the students responsible, but under the political influence of McDonald's and Colonel Sanders they were forced to put the students into re-education camps instead of killing them right away.

April 5, 1989: The zombie government made the strategic mistake of raising the price of rice, which caused panic all over China. Widespread looting and chaos ensued. Amidst all this, a Chinese college student named Hong Xiuquan, who had gone completely insane from listening to The East is Red for two straight weeks, declared himself the younger brother of Jesus. He then proceeded to lead an army of fellow students, who were even less mentally sound than he, to invade Tiananmen Square and overthrow the zombies. Owing to this widespread disorder, the zombie government had no choice but to retreat to Tibet, where they sought to overthrow the Dalai Lama. However, a young part-time postman called Xiki Mukka had gone back in a time to tell the Dalai Lama of the Chinese government's scheme, and had escaped from Tibet 30 years earlier.

Li Peng fighting his way through a crowd of hapless college students on spring break in his Vickers tank, vaporizing everyone along the way to clear a path for his vehicle with his eye beams, to avoid the exorbitant cost of cleaning military vehicles of the blood and brains of intellectuals.

April 15, 1989: Li Peng welcomed the overthrow of the zombie government. However, he was disturbed by Hong Xiuquan's insistence on establishing a Kingdom of Heavenly Peace based on the Bible. Li Peng wanted a gradual program of de-communisation, but later said that he did not go after Hong as he "liked his style."

April 20, 1989: Hong Xiuquan declared himself the Grand Ayatollah of the The Great Heavenly Peace Republic of China. However, nobody else except for Hong himself cared, as everyone knew he was fucking crazy. Li Peng was pissed, and declared Hong to be officially exiled from China. (Right after he finished ordering the execution of an intellectual. Still, nobody cared as long as the rice was still cheap.)

April 25, 1989: Horrified by the discovery of a budget deficit due to the mismanagement of the previous zombie government, Li Peng was forced to raise the price of rice to pay off debts. As a result, people rallied to support Hong Xiuquan, despite the fact that everybody thought he was fucking crazy.

May 4, 1989: Li Peng promised to publicly disembowel Hong Xiuquan. However, since the sight of gore made him faint he downgraded Hong's sentence to asphyxiation. Hong and his supporters decided to hide in Tiananmen Square, thinking that they would be protected by the gathering crowd of college students in the Square who were on Spring Break. Instead of trying to separate the guilty from the innocent, Li Peng ordered the killing of everyone in Tiananmen Square. Despite efforts by the Government to clean up the massacre, bits of Hong Xiuquan can still be seen scattered along the Square, and are a popular, if somewhat gruesome, tourist attraction.

May 20, 1989: College students protest at the indiscriminate killing of college students by Li Peng. However, the Chinese people were indifferent, and those who cared did not speak out for fear of receiving a bullet in their head. There have been cases of suicidal people trying to end their lives by speaking out against the Chinese government, but China denies such reports.

May 28, 1989: The main event known as the "Tiananmen Square Protests" actually occurred. The Western media accidentally stumbled on the protesters when they were filming Gorbachev's visit to China. Nobody in the West had cared about all the violence in China up until then, and the subsequent protests and massacre will not be anything the West will hear of or care about.

June 3, 1989: Deng Xiaoping woke up from his nap, unaware that zombies had taken over the government, or that Li Peng had regained control. He looked out from his apartment window at the crowd of college student protesters and said, "What the fuck is that? Get them out of here." Li Peng obliged the order of his elder, then proceeded to fucking kill every remaining student protester in Tiananmen Square.

June 4, 1989: After all the protesters had been fucking killed, the stock of All China Dissident Blood and Body Parts Cleaning Service rose by 1000%.

June 5, 1989: Chinese Economy blooms.

The Legacy of Tiananmen

Chinese officials maintain that 1523 never actually happened, and any claims that it did is just the result of a particularly bad batch of basement-made E that had hit the streets. However, the UN was not fooled (for once) and declared that the corruption and tyranny of the Chinese commies would be dealt with in the usual way: with nukes and paranoia for all, YEEHAA! Amnesty International were opposed to this, so the UN said they could deal with it themselves if they were so smart. (Note: the word "sheep-fuckers" appeared a lot more in the original proposal.) So, Amnesty solved the problem peacefully - by ignoring it and hoping it would go away.

Billy Joel's second solo album "Tiananmen" was named after the square, despite there being no mention of it in the album. Since Joel was living in China at the time of recording, it is believed the Chinese government censored all of the anti-communist imagery. This would account for the 30 minutes of silence that follow the second track, and precede the last 2 minutes 34 seconds of the last track. The theory of intervention by the Chinese government is just speculation a this time, but you'd have to be an idiot to not see the obvio-... (Article unfinished: author hit with poison dart).

The main benefit of the Square for China is that it can now defend its gross government negligence with regard to enforcing the "one-child family" policy. A Chinese congressman who recently addressed the UN board was quoted as saying;

“Look guys, it's really not a big problem, China is not overpopulated, we have (a) whole kilometer(s) that is (are) free of people. Relax, OK? There is plenty of planet for everyone... But not for long! Muahahahahhahahah! ALL HAIL MAO ZEDONG 您全部将遭受我们的愤怒!”

~ Some Chinese Guy on Chinese overpopulation

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