This is not Sparta

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A map of one of Mother Earth's regions.[1] Surprisingly, there is no Sparta on this map.

Let's face it, a lot of things are not Sparta. In fact, only 1 in about 2,165just a little bit less than + things are Sparta. That's not a lot of Spartas. Scientists have, for years, tried to determine the reason for the surprising rarity of Sparta. So far, the answer eludes them. I, on the other hand, have since long realized the true nature of not-Sparta and have tried to explain it to a variety of people throughout the years, though people would often fail to conceive the non-essence of Sparta successfully.

That time I went to Athens

Another location on Planet Earth that is not known by the name "Sparta".
<Random guy> OMG! This place is full of pillars and old buildings and it's the capital of Greece! This must be Sparta!
<Smart person> This is Athens, you dweeb. Sparta isn't the capital of Greece. It lost its prominent position among the other city states many centuries ago.
<Random guy> Don't be so negative about Sparta, dude! It was like the coolest thing ever!
<Smart person> The coolest thing ever? What about dinosaurs and the Big Bang?
<Random guy> Wow, I don't need to hear your evolutionist propaganda, man!
<Smart person> Right, right. Hey, did you know that the Spartans worshipped pagan gods?
<Random guy> Blasphemy!

That time I went to visit someone in a psychiatric hospital

While some of its inhabitants may occasionally refer to it as "Sparta", it's not actually Sparta if there are no sane people that acknowledge this claim. Additionally, someone calling it "Sparta" will automatically be labeled insane.
<Lunatic> Welcome to Sparta, my good friend. I hope you'll make yourself right at home.
<Sane person> This isn't Sparta. It's just a madhouse. So I take it your insanity hasn't been cured, then.
<Lunatic> Don't be foolish, my friend. I've never felt saner in my life.
<Sane person> Is that so? And do you happen to have any tangible evidence supporting this alleged sanity of yours?
<Lunatic> Always with the skepticism, eh? Why should the burden of proof always lie on me? Is it not my right as a thinking human being to judge my own state of mind? Who could possibly understand my reasonings better than I myself?
<Sane person> Funny you'd bring that up. Who, you ask? Try God. Or by a lack of one, the community. You see, the irony of a secular, individualistic society is that by annihilating the absolute criterion for distinguishing truth from error, you've effectively given everybody else the privilege to decide the truth for you. And if the community decides that your perspective doesn't correspond with their view of the truth, you'll be automatically labeled delusional.
<Lunatic> So all I have to do to make people believe I'm sane is acknowledge that this isn't Sparta?
<Sane person> Now we're getting somewhere.
<Lunatic> Fuck that. I'd rather kick you down a well.
<Sane person> Madman! You're a madman!
<Lunatic> Yeah, so they tell me.

That time I traveled back in time to the end of the Third Servile War

Another entity that isn't called "Sparta", not even as a nickname. Also, this man is an impostor. It is I who is the real Spartacus!
<Companion> Hey, this place looks like some classical Mediterranean city and there's people dressed in classical armour. Maybe this is Sparta!
<Roman slave #1> Haud, ego Spartacus sum![2]
<Roman slave #2> Non est, ego Spartacus sum![2]
Silly companion, we're clearly located on the Italian Peninsula. More precisely, at the location where Spartacus' last surviving troops were captured.
<Roman slave #3> Ego Spartacus sum![2]
<Roman slave #4> Non est, ego de facto Spartacus sum![2]
You know, there is in fact no indication whatsoever that the "I am Spartacus!" scene from Kubrick's Spartacus actually happened in reality.
<Roman slaves> Favete linguis, asine![2]
But it's totally true that the slaves are all going to be crucified along the Appian Way.
 Roman slaves cringe in horror.
<Companion> Aww, why did you have to tell 'em that?
Because no one tells a Time Lord to shut up. Not even in Latin. Speaking of Latin, did you know that "Spartacus" is Latin for "from Sparta", while Spartacus was actually from Thrace?
<Companion> No way!

That time I went to the movies

While some people have the impression that portions of this film happen in Sparta, the whole movie was in fact shot in Montreal.
<Only person with a working brain in the room>
Oh great. Here comes the well scene.
<Everyone else, in unison>
<Only person with a working brain in the room>
No, this is a movie theater. Additionally, the thing supposedly depicted on screen is clearly not Sparta as it is common knowledge that it were the Spartans who were known throughout Greece as prolific boy lovers. Hell, it was even institutionalized as part of their educational system.
<Everyone else, in unison>
<Only person with a working brain in the room>
Insults? Are you guys homophobic or something?
<Everyone else, in unison>
<Only person with a working brain in the room>
Well, could you homophobes be quiet, please? I'm trying to enjoy the historical inaccuracy of this movie. Hey look, it's that supposed God-King of Persia that doesn't look like a Persian king at all.
 Everyone else looks at Only person with a working brain in the room angrily.
<Everyone else, in unison>
 Everyone else leaves their seats and starts surrounding Only person with a working brain in the room.
<Only person with a working brain in the room>
Oh brother.

That time I visited a virtual world and went to a place called Sparta

Does this look like Sparta to you?
<Neo> Why are we in Sparta, Morpheus?
<Morpheus> Things are not always what they appear to be, Neo.
<Neo> What are you trying to tell me?
<Morpheus> That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else you were born into bondage, born into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch. A prison for your mind. Unfortunately, simply telling you that this isn't Sparta just won't do. You have to see it for yourself. Now it's time to make a choice. You take the blue pill, you wake up in your familiar world with a Sparta you believe to be real. You take the red pill, you stay out of Sparta and 300 angry Spartans don't try to kill you. Remember, all I'm offering is a way out of your present life devoid of meaning. So what's it gonna be?
 Neo quickly swallows the red pill.
<Morpheus> Good. Now prepare yourself for what is most likely the weirdest and grossest experience in your whole life.
<Neo> Um, okay... Why didn't you tell me about this before I took the pill?
<Cypher> Because you wouldn't have taken the red pill, stupid.
<Morpheus> Shut it, Cypher.
 Cypher mumbles annoyedly.
Does this look like Sparta to you?
 Neo wakes up naked in his pod in the real world and is picked up by the Nebuchadnezzar.
<Trinity> Ooo, nice assets, Neo.
<Neo> Why am I naked? And more importantly, what kind of fucked up world did I end up in?
<Morpheus> We're in the real world, Neo. Isn't this so much better than the Matrix?
<Neo> Not really. Why was I in that gross pod thing anyway?
<Morpheus> Because the world is ruled by machines and they use humans to generate their power. We're waging a guerrilla war against them, and you, Neo, are the One, the one that will lead us to victory over the machines!
<Neo> You're waging a war against a foe far more superior and with far greater numbers than yourself and you think one person, and me out of all people, is gonna beat all the machines to a pulp for you and make you win the war? What shit have you been smoking?!
<Morpheus> Well, you're the One, Neo, what do you think we should do with our lives?
<Neo> Did you ever consider surrendering to the machines and living a blissful life inside the Matrix?
<Morpheus> Hmm, no we didn't. But it's actually not such a bad idea, Neo. Let's go surrender to the machines and put a stop to this futile resistance.
<Cypher> I considered it, but I assumed you guys wouldn't agree with me. I guess now I don't need to kill off the crew to get my way anymore. Thanks a lot, Neo.
This is obviously not Sparta.[3]
<Neo> There's one thing I don't get, though. Why did you bring me to Sparta in the first place? Why Sparta?
<Morpheus> Well, because we're in an Uncyclopedia article titled "This is not Sparta" and the author wanted to incorporate this movie into his article. Also, that wasn't actually Sparta, Neo. Things in a simulated reality aren't actual, only apparent.
<Neo> So what you're telling me is that we're not in the real world at all, but on a website and possibly in a movie too??? When will this madness end?!
<Morpheus> When we go dining in hell.[4]
 Neo explodes in a burst of light.
<Deus Ex Machina> What'd I miss? Oh, the story ended already. Darn.

See also

If it's not a pipe, maybe it's Sparta.


  1. In this particular case, one might even say "nether regions".
  2. 2.0 2.1 2.2 2.3 2.4 Apparently the TARDIS's telepathic field is unable to reach into this forgotten corner of the internet, so you'll have to bear with me that the Latin sentences in this section aren't translated to the only proper language in the universe.
  3. Hmm, that looks eerily familiar.
  4. Whether or not you consider this a reference to Club Hel is completely up to you.
  5. Not the link itself, but the thing it links to. In case you were wondering.

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