Theater pest
A theater pest is a huge threat to the forty-something people sitting in a theater. A theater pest can be anyone of any age, and could do anything to ruin a movie as much as possible. Worst of all, you paid money to get in the same theater as him, and probably extra for snacks! What a sham!
History[edit]
It's not really known how theater pests came to be, some say they are part of a higher civilization, hoping to stir up war between the humans. All that is known is that they first started appearing when the first theater was built, ever since some guy said "Oh!, this is the part where he dies!"
A well-known theater pest is former US President Abraham Lincoln, who was apparently so annoying he was shot in the back of the head for being such a huge theater pest, and John Wilkes Booth, his killer, was crowd surfed for being a theatrical hero on stage and off stage.
Sins of a theater pest[edit]
Anything annoying, but let's be more specific, you could do annoying things in a theater and not be a theater pest, but there are certain things you could do to be considered a theater pest.
- Abruptly eating your crunchy food and slurping your low soda
Honestly, how can you be this loud when eating? Your megaton crunches, snarfing, and slurping could bring down a Mongolian fortress! To make matters worse, it's overlapping important dialogue of the movie! Burping and farting, could be put into this category if you wanna put the theater under quarantine. Peeing and shitting in the seat? You earned a gold star for being the grossest motherfucker in the whole god damn theater!
These guys are absolutely disgusting, they leave food everywhere and make it harder for the minimum wage janitor. Not to mention, they try to get every single ounce of food, and leave their dropped ones in the seat or on the floor. They even try drinking a noisy, nearly-empty drink, infesting the theater with noise that even the deaf can hear. Honestly, the drink's done, throw it away, but not on the floor, in the trash, where it belongs.
How do you deal with them? Make sure the theater overprices their food, if he bought his own, take the food and feed it to the needy! Good job, you stole a fat kid's snack and donated it to Ethiopia! You truly are an American!
- Spoilers
Aw man, FUCK these guys. They're rare, but once these shits are in your theater, you might as well just leave. This snooty dick has already seen the movie beforehand, and will have no respect for your intrigued curiosity of the movie's plot and ending.
Normally, theater pests don't know how to control their volume, most likely whispering to their friend who doesn't care much for spoilers, but the ten people surrounding him heard his dirty work. That is the lowest form of a spoiler. Mid-low tier if he doesn't stop doing it, mid-high tier if he's not whispering, and absolute max tier if he's screaming it out because he is a dumb internet troll who has no idea how to act in a public environment.
How to deal with them? Leave the theater, once you hear his cursed voice there's no going back, or if you're a go getter, beat him up, I mean, that's probably why John Wilkes Booth killed Abraham Lincoln.
- Hardcore Fan
If you've been to opening night of an episode in a famous movie franchise, you know who these are. The nerds who have to scream every time something important happens. They could be considered in the same area as a spoiler, but a lot more qualities can be applied to them. They could be actually trying to call out to characters on the screen as if they'll respond, and if they did, the movie you're seeing is most likely haunted. On rare occasions, you might be wearing a shirt related to the movie, and the nerd will lean in real close saying "You like [MOVIE] too? Schho keeeewl..." and you're left speechless and with saliva on your face thanks to the incredible lisp. These types of theater pests can be found in herds at conventions, Gamestop, probably Hot Topic, and of course, the theater.
How to deal with them? Go against their opinion of whatever they like. They WILL get angry, but will not attack. Instead, they'll go home and complain on Tumblr, 4chan, or Facebook, then vlog it on YouTube on how some douchebag hates what he likes. Yet again, probably another reason why Abe Lincoln got shot.
Children[edit]
Spawnlings of theater pests, and sometimes grouped with adult ones, Children normally have no idea how to properly behave in a theater. Sometimes, shitty parenting can lead them to seeing movies like Final Destination instead of the latest Spongebob film.
These gremlins can range from being six months to twelve years old. Younger children tend to cry and baw during the movie, having a complete shitfit while the parent doesn't give a damn. Slightly older kids might talk excessively loud or kick the seat in front of them, and may also have a shitfit. Why these kids are bought into R rated films is forever a mystery only the deprived parent knows.
How to deal with them? Call child protective services to escort them out. If that doesn't work, you're screwed pal, even Abraham Lincoln wasn't assassinated for the child atrocities.
Conclusion[edit]
Don't go to a movie theater. Wait for the movie to come out on DVD or Blu Ray instead.