The calculator conspiracy

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The calculator is possibly the most useful device that man has ever created. The thing is, humans may have actually not created the calculator. I mean, look. Calculators can calculate incredibly complex sums (eg 1+1) in less than five seconds! Do you really think that even with our supercomputers and all that which we have today (and the calculator was invented over a decade ago), we would be able to program a device like this?



Aliens who live on a planet in a different solar system or a galaxy very far away from our own, who are far more advanced than us. Even they must have worked harder than ever to create the calculator, even with all their technology. This is how it happened - the aliens located Earth one day and said "Hey, look at those dumbass humans down there! They haven't even invented hover cars yet! Let's invent the calculator and give it to them!"

So the aliens flew to Earth in their spaceships in 1885, when the first calculating machine was invented (I just found out that it was created in 1885, not the 1970s - a whole century earlier - you have to ****ing consider this!!!) and dropped the calculating machine on Oxford DeSmith's head and flew away. Oxford thought he was dreaming and actually he was, and when he woke up he found this big machine lying beside him and he called it a calculater which means "not knowing what happened"

W.S. Burroughs[edit]

Then a man named William Steward Burroughs (the guy who "invented" the calculator) was walking down the street one day and found the calculating machine on the ground. He picked it up and took it, and then claimed that HE had invented it. So then he sold it to someone and made a giant heap of money.

Then this Burroughs guy formed a company which manufactured these calculating machines, but they had one problem - the bastards didn't know how to make them! So then they went all around the streets looking for more calculating machines, but found none.

Then one day an employee of Burroughs' company saw an alien spaceship in the sky. He was about to call the Air Force when the spaceship landed and the aliens came out and met him. They told him everything - about how they had created the calculating machine and had brought it to Earth because they felt sorry for the human race. Then they promised that if he didn't tell the Air Force that they had landed on Earth, they would make millions of new calculators and give them to Burroughs' company. The employee agreed and the aliens flew off to make more calculating machines.

It took the aliens almost 100 years to completely re-design their calculating machine, but in the 1960s they brought these new-model calculating machines to Earth. Unfortunately, Burroughs had died in the period of time that it took them to make the calculating machine and his company had fallen apart. So then the aliens gave all of the calculators (they had been renamed "calculators" instead of the gay sounding and too long to say "calculating machines") to some random rich guy. The rich man took the calculators, and saw that he had the best opportunity to start a business. This was how the company "Casio" was born.

Emergence of Alan Sugar[edit]

Then this random rich guy sold the calculators to millions of people, and made billions of dollars from his sales. Then, after a few years, he realised that he was running out of calculators to sell. So he called the aliens back to Earth one day and asked them to make him more calculators in exchange for money. The aliens agreed and made more calculators, each of their models becoming more and more advanced. The man paid them sqrt(3+4) millions of Earth dollars for them (the aliens were too stupid to realise that Earth money was useless on their planet).

Then the Casio guy sold calculators to other people, who also started companies. This is how all of the calculator companies that we know today were formed.

If you go into a calculator factory, you will see that calculators are produced on a large production line. But the people in the factories only make the cases of the calculators - every few years the aliens come back to Earth and give the heads of the calculator companies new stocks of calculator computer-chip thingys - whatever they're called.

If it were not for these aliens, We humans would still be using our fingers to do our maths sums. It would be impossible or very hard to do a lot of sums that are easy to do today.

I suppose that in some ways, these aliens did an evil thing - the calculator caused many random retards to come together and create things like algebra and percentages and lots of other random crap that we will almost never use in our lives unless we become engineers or architects or whatever.

You can believe that the calculator was created by humans, but remember this - the calculator was first designed in the 19th century, and can add up twenty-digit sums in seconds. We could have created this kind of technology in the 19th Century. Call me a fanatic, a science fiction freak if you want, but do not look past this fact.