The Great Bunny War
The Great Bunny War was fought by a quasi-political party run by bunnies called--for some obscure but undoubtedly logical reason--Intermission For Bunny (IFB). Bent on world domination and destruction of the human race, the group was created in late 2008 by Mr. Snufflebottoms, aided by
Adolf Hitler named Floyd. Snufflebottoms, who had become an evil genius after being exposed to gamma rays and tainted carrots as a lad, was really pissed that bunnies were left out of the mainstream cute-and-fuzzy animal characters circuit. One day, Mr. Snufflebottoms' human family forgot to feed him (they were cooing over the new human baby in the family, and forgot about him, a bunny). Enraged, Snufflebottoms killed the entire family with an Avada Kedavra curse. He than left to find others to join his cause--to destroy all humans, and rise bunnies to power!
Rise to power
Using his Jedi Bunny mind tricks, Mr. Snufflebottoms quickly took over Canada. This was easy and legal because Canada is not a real country. From his base in Toronto, Mr. Snufflebottoms created the General Assembly of World Bunnies, a council including Bugs Bunny, Mr. Herriman, the Nesquik bunny, and other bunnies. He made several of these bunnies generals in the IFB army, and named Floyd Hitler his second-in-command. By this time, New Bunny, the name of the reformed Canada, had amassed a gigantic army and possessed several WMDs, which Mr. Snufflebottoms had purchased from the new government of Iraq (That proves that they still had them, so isn't that enough? Think of the children!). With the power of an army, several nuclear warheads, and cuteness on his side, Mr. Snufflebottoms set his sights on the greatest human superpower country in the whole wide world--the United States of America.
American response
The response of the United States was slow in coming. Despite the fact that the takeover of Canada seemed to have been achieved by a conspiracy of bunnies, President Obama went before Congress to insist that not all bunnies were connected to the attack, that the U.S. was not opposed to bunnies, and that "some of my best friends are bunnies." Republican Chairman Michael Steele, fresh from signing a new batch of expense reports for trips to the Playboy Club, said, "Me too!". Even former president Bill Clinton comented on The Great Bunny War. "I did not have sexual relations with any of those bunnies," he said, making the same mistake Steele did, and continued to ramble on "at least none that you can prove this time, and this is not to say I don't like bunnies, 'cause... I do! And Hil and I did not have a threesome that one time in Glacier National Park, and. . .".
By late 2009, however, Homeland Security had seen the writing on the wall (Literally. Some kid had to spell it out for them on a wall in Washington, D.C.), and classified IFB as a "moderate security threat."
Battle of New York City
The General Assembly of World Bunnies decided that the best course of action was to take over New York City, which would be a major thorn in America's side. On March 5, 2010, General Snufflebottoms and some of his assembly members attacked in a column of orange tanks. However, the human forces retaliated against them by dispatching an Air Force squadron of Jets, X-wings, and Black Hawk helicopters. The bunny forces, including Mr. Snufflebottoms, left the tanks, and pressed into the heart of the city on paws. Battles throughout New York claimed many bunny and human lives, and despite
, the bunnies finally fought there way uptown. It was here that they met the bulk of the human resistance, led by Chuck Norris (THE Chuck Norris!), who were deployed to defend the Empire State Building. The bunnies were heavily armed, but the power of Chuck's roundhouse kicks were too great. It was then that Mr. Snufflebottoms called for the firing of the bunny's ultimate weapon--a half-completed Bunny Death Star, orbiting way up there, high over Earth, where the sun would shine off it even at night so you can still see it there. Like another moon or something, thought Mr. Snufflebottoms.
The weapon was fired, and the 501st legion of the human army was obliterated, apart for two people--Chuck Norris, who is apparantly omnipresent, ornery, and invincible, and Floyd Hitler (SHOCKER!), who had defected to the human side (DOUBLE DARE SHOCKER!) and who had protected himself with some kind of shield. Floyd and Mr. Snufflebottoms agreed to engage in a vicious and climactic lightsaber duel atop The Empire State Building. Meanwhile, Chuck Norris (Seriously, I cannot believe our luck at having Chuck Norris appear in an epic tale such as this!) led the remaining Air Force and Army units to destroy many bunnies before having lunch in New York's Indian row, where the food is to die for. In the end, Mr. Snufflebottoms bested Mr. Hitler, ridding him of both legs and an arm, and left him for dead, while Chuck Norris--and no one on either side knows just how he did it--was successful in destroying the Death Star. The bunny army retreated. The humans had won.
The IFB still remains active today, but all their battles are now fought overseas, and they tend to focus on secret negotiations and lucrative payoffs regarding exports. Mr. Snufflebottoms still resides in his Toronto palace with his wives and dozens of children, and the Americans don't dare fuck with him on his turf.
And as for Chuck Norris? He rides alone, accepts counsel from no man, and takes his food from the land.
Both sides claim victory!
Facts
- Bunnies sodomize you in your sleep. Every single night. All year. Since you were born. Good luck sleeping.
- Every time you DON'T masturbate, Buddha resurrects a bunny. Go wack off.
- Your mom is bisexual.
