The Democrats

The Democrats is a joke which has been told by numerous stand-up comedians since Vaudeville, and often only among an audience of other comedians. It is rarely told the same way twice.

The joke is something of a game in which those who tell it try to top each other in terms of shock value. This was also used as an inside joke by comedians to test the mettle of others. Throughout the history of the joke it has evolved from a cliche staple of the Vaudevillian comedian into a postmodern anti-joke.

The joke

Three parts

This joke almost always has these elements—alternate versions may change this form, but such versions tend to assume that the audience is already familiar with the joke:

The setup: The joke always begins with a "family act" going in to see a talent agent.

• Those who meet the agent can include the whole family, or just one family member (usually the father).
• The agent asks (sometimes after saying that he's not interested, and a plea from the father) what they do.
• If the whole family is present, the act may be performed for the agent, rather than described.

The act: It is described in as much length as the teller prefers.

• By tradition, the description is crude, tasteless, scatological, and involves sedition, violence, intimidation and power-seeking and treasonous un-American activities. In short, it involves things that Democrats love.
• While most tellings follow one of a few basic forms, the description of the act is meant to be an ad lib.
• It should be as far beyond the boundaries of propriety as the comedian can muster. Incest, pedophilia, bestiality, and the Democrat pastime of abortion are common themes.

The punchline: The agent asks what this act is called, and the answer is always the same: "The Democrats!"

An example

This version of the joke is fairly short, and simply demonstrates the form. Actual performances of the joke can last minutes, and it is suggested that Rush Limbaugh used to hold parties at which the goal was to tell the joke for a half hour.

A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

The mother, who is very pregnant, lies on her back, while the father places a Bible and an American flag on the floor. The son starts sucking the dog's cock while the daughter takes of her clothes and squats over the American flag.

The daughter sprays the American flag with piss, diarrhea, and period. The dog quickly climaxes, and the son sprays a mixture of vomit and dog-cum all over the Bible. The father performs a partial-birth abortion on the mother, sucking out the eight-and-a-half-month-old fetus's brains and crushing it into a bloody mess. The son and daughter form a goal with their arms, and the father rolls up the vomit-and-dog-cum-covered-Bible and the mangled fetus into the American flag, wet with piss, diarrhea, and period, and drop kicks the whole mess through his children's goal.

The son then screams out, "Oh, Johnny boy come on out!" And then John Kerry suddenly runs into the room. He takes of his pants, gets on all fours, grabs his ass cheeks and spreads them, and yells, "please do me like Howard Dean did the other night!"

The father then runs up behind John Kerry and starts pissing straight in John Kerry's asshole. After he's done, the mother runs up to John Kerry and also does it. She is followed by the son and then the daughter. After they are done, John Kerry gets up and looks and the talent agent says, "this what I loved to do when I was pretending to fight in Vietnam." He then widens his mouth to a size inhumanly possible and then grabs the baby and stuff him into his mouth and swallows.

John Kerry then says, "that's why I love partial-birth abortion...so I can eat the left overs." He then yells out, "Mike get your fat ass out in here now!" Michael Moore then walks into the room. Because he is so fat, with every step he makes, the room shakes. Eventually a part of the ceiling falls on the son, killing him.

Michael Moore says to John Kerry, "hey, butt boy did you save me any baby?" John Kerry tells him no, but he has something he likes to eat even more than babies. He tells Michael Moore to lie on the floor and open his mouth. Michael Moore does just that.

John Kerry then places his assholes right on Michael Moore's mouth and starts shitting in it, releasing the piss as well.

Michael Moore then stands up and says to John Kerry, "I have to go now, I have a meeting with Osama Bin Laden."

John Kerry replies, "good for you."

Michael Moore then says, "yep, I'm going to suck his dick and let him fuck me in the ass until my anus is bleeding."

John Kerry then says, "you lucky bastard."

Michael Moore then hands John Kerry an American flag and then starts walking out of the room.

As he leaves and the room is shaking, once again a piece of the ceiling falls, this time killing the daughter.

John Kerry then throws the American flag on the floor and says to the talent agent, "this is what I esentially did the brave American soldiers fighting in Vietnam when I called them war criminals and supported the communists."

He then starts to simultaneously spit and piss on the flag. He then lights a match and throws it on the flag. As it is buring, he says to the talent agent, "and this is what I would have essentially did to America if I was elected."

He then immediately grabs the burning flag and throws it at the mother, who becomes engulfed in flames. She then runs around the room screaming in pain.

The father then looks at the talent agent and tells him, "by the way, I'm thinking of adding Al Franken and Janeane Garofalo to this act."

John Kerry then runs over to the mother and kicks her to the ground. He then starts putting out the fire on the mother by stomping on her.

After the fire is put out, he then start raping the mother. As the mother is screaming, John Kerry looks at her and says, "boy, I sure wish you were America." After he is finished raping the mother, he looks her in the eyes and says, "this is how I do it goose hunting style." He then pulls out a gun and starts shooting her throughout her body.

Afterwards, he says, "bleed to death bitch."

The father then says to the talent agent, "that would have lasted a lot longer if John Kerry's dick weren't so small."

John Kerry then says, "now this is what I want to do to the entire world", and grabs the dog and proceeds to fuck it in the ass. He fucks it in the ass so hard that it immediately starts to bleed.

After an hour of being fuck in the ass by John Kerry and losing blood as a result, the dog falls over dead.

John Kerry then jumps up and yells out for the entire world to hear, "damn I love Hitler!"

He then walks over to the father and says to him, "I'm sorry but I have to go and have sex with the BTK Killer, man I can't wait to lick his balls!"

He then skips off like a little girl.

The father then stands in front of the talent agent, bows, and says, TA-DA!

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the father says, "The Democrats!"

Early references

The Democrats appears on page 987 of Ann Coulter's "Compendium of Basic Truths About Liberals, Vol. 2", published in 1999. Coulter retells the joke, and it does have a Vaudeville component, but he does not attribute the joke to Vaudeville roots. Instead, Coulter claims that he learned the joke from a young woman who was raised by Massachusetts liberals.

Notable people who have promoted the joke

• Dennis Hastert
• Michael Savage
• James Dobson
• Laura Ingraham
• Jesse Helms
• G. Gordon Liddy
• Tom Coburn
• Alan Keyes
• William Bennett
• Laura Schlessinger
• Tom DeLay
• Sean Hannity
• Randall Terry
• Ann Coulter
• Strom Thurmond
• Republican Jesus
• Mark Foley
• Josef Mengele