“Come on, man. I had a rough night and I hate the fuckin' Eagles, man!”
The Contortionists are a six piece honky-tonk death-mental fusion band aspiring to the title of 'World Religious Domination Force'. Unfortunately, with their manifold ineptitudes and the great misfortune of not being a heart-stoppingly awesome gospel band, The Contortionists are spectacularly failing in their mission.
The members of The Contortionists are:
Adam aka LOLCATZ Jesus
The creator and lord of The Contortionists
Likes: Monocles, Sneakers for Sneaking, Strong Sea Winds, Woolen Socks
Dislikes: Ponies, The Contortionists
Catchphrase: You're a bunch of cunts, and I am the overlord King Cunt to rule them all! All the cunts, that is.
Notable For: Being an complete and utter, insufferable, one hundred percent bona fide, full-on, total, indefensible, inexcusable and unpardonable cunt.
Mojo aka Jesus Hendrix
Axe-shredder & spaghetti-lover extraordinaire
Likes: Mescaline, Sipping Pina Colada's whilst curled up in a eucalyptus tree
Dislikes: The Koala Bear, The Contortionists
Catchphrase: Somebody help me! I've fallen down the latrine!
Notable For: His spider like limbs, which while allowing for superb axe-mangling dexterity, make him look like a spaz when he walks.
Dan aka Zombie Jesus
The coolest Christian bass player in Black Satanic Death Metal
Dislikes: Klismaphiliacs, Circumcision, The Contortionists
Catchphrase: Can someone fetch the rag, I've shat myself again...
Notable For: His carefully quaffered Rod Hull style hairpiece and his valuation autism.
Deedee aka Super Jebus
Official band 'pimp'
Likes: Bling, Blingin', Bling-Bling, Zombie Jesus
Dislikes: Anything that ain't blingin
Catchphrase: What am I doing with this bunch of no-hope emo-cunts?
Notable For: Being the only member of the band who doesn't hate the band.
Steve-o aka Lobster Jesus
World-renowned goat skin drummer
Likes: Drums *drroooool*, Butterflies, HIV in all its strains
Dislikes: Goats *killllllll* (this has yet to be proved), The Contortionists
Catchphrase: Dhm-dhm-DHM-dhm-dhm, DHM, dhm-DHM, dhm-dhm-DHM-dhm, Dhm-dhm-DHM-dhm-dhm, DHM - My Sharona!
Notable For: His patchy ginger beard, which - by inexplicable voodoo magic - generates the rage and hate which powers his furious tub-thumping. Also his unhealthy obsession with The Knack's "My Sharona".
Jen aka Disco Jesus
Official Contortionist music video choreographer
Likes: Glitter, Sparkly Shoes, The Boogie, Ass-Wigglin, Worms, Pushing up daisies
Dislikes: Necrophilia, The Beegees, Pirate Ninja Jesus, Life, Existence, The Contortionists
Catchphrase: What? Look, I'm dead, could you come back at a more convenient time?
Notable For: Her decaying flesh, missing eyeball and worm community of 12,000 resident throughout her insides, complete with school, luxury apartment buildings and helter skelter.
The Contortionists were fashioned from five magical turds and a canister of Mutagen found in a sewer which Pirate Ninja Jesus acquired on one of his many voyeuristic adventures. Enlisting the help of his trusted friend, a ninja practising man-sized rat, the unruly mutant turds were trained into something very nearly almost resembling humanoid.
Shortly after their training, the five went their separate ways before coming together as a band almost 40 years later.
In the years between, Dan was a key member of teenage R&B pop shits Cleopatra. Their big hit, "Comin' Atcha" was inspired by the countless hilarious occasions that Dan would take the other two by surprise by creeping up on them, pinning them down, and ejaculating into their faces. The band was brought to an abrupt up by an onstage jizz asphyxiation incident.
Joe spent the intervening years building his collection of blobs of that snotty glue used to affix CDs to the covers of magazines. The collection is still ongoing, and one day he hopes to fill a deep building with it to swim around in, like his hero Scrooge McDuck; but with snotglue instead of money - Joe has already done it with money.
Steve lived as a feral creature in an uptown apartment with a job in the city. He put the money he saved from living a cheap feral life into a high interest savings account, accruing nearly £350bn, but then losing it all shortly before the Contortionists were formed in a bet with DeeDee, whom he met by sheer chance one night in Johnny Depp's Viper Rooms. She wagered that he couldn't play the drums to My Sharona - she won (the ensuing cacophony sounded like Meg White playing a 30 minute Rush drum solo with a blindfold on, both hands tied behind her back, using 2 lengths of twine as drumsticks). This is believed to be the root of his unnatural My Sharona fixation.
Previous to the bet, DeeDee had been working as Personal Shopper in the Chislehurst branch of Unwin's Off License. This position proved to be entirely superfluous, and after 39 years of employment, during which time she never lifted a finger, she was laid off. She took her severance package - booze, as opposed to money - and drank her way to the Viper Rooms, where she wagered and won the bet. In the year that elapsed between this event and the band's formation, she drank away all but 99p, which she later gave to Dan to spend on a hamburger at McDonald's (she was drunk on this occasion also, and later attacked Dan to retrieve the 99p. It was too late, he had eaten the burger).
Adam spent the 40 year gap doing what he was doing before, and what he has continued to do since - being a cunt.
The Official Contortionists Balbum is available from all evil stockists. It has received heavy airplay on my airstereo to a crowd of airheads rocking out on airguitars and airwanking off their minuscule aircocks. Sometimes air comes out my bum and people hold their noses. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaair.
The Contortionists' greatest achievement was landing the memorial gig at the infamous Great Chav Drowning of 1920. They played such well-known classics as I Think I Lost My Burberry and We Will Tonk You.
Dan once claimed at a busy restaurant table that broccoli was man made. Not only that but an Italian family had managed to fuse the finer elements of both the humble cauliflower and peapod together in order to create the broccoli sprout. Needless to say Dan had been drinking a fair amount that day and the needle from his last fix was still sticking out from his arm. How the restaurant's patrons laughed and well they might, for the broccoli sprout has been around for 800 years and nobody lived in Italy then. To make matters worse, the poor Dan then went on to further embarrass his friends by claiming the Italian family in question was none other than the Broccoli family at the head of which stood Cubby Broccoli, the director of many acclaimed James Bond films. Dan was thrown from the establishment a broken man and a cunt.
To this very day, Dan is still widely recognised as a broken man and a cunt.
Dan once punched Dame Thora Hird in the face as she ate her favourite, Tesco's finest, fruit salad. The salad burst from her mouth in slow motion as a beautiful, multicoloured, fruit arc much like a Rocky fight sequence. (It was actually Steve but it's well known that Dan gets all the praise)
However, scandal erupted around The Contortionists when tabloids printed the story that after thumping her in the fruit salad, Dan has been having a torrid affair with Dame Thora, which has continued even after her death.
Disco Jesus and Lobster Jesus formed side project Goatologous in 1998 to critical acclaim. The use of drums fashioned from newborn goat skin has delivered a sound described as "horn-arific" by industry mag, NME. Following the crucifixion of Disco Jesus, Lobster released his own line of professional newborn goat drum skins. His mother has reportedly 'shed her claws' over this development, having raised her son with strong animal liberation beliefs.
Jesus Hendrix went solo in 2006 with the Number #1 smash hit Hard Rocking Feel Good Party Hits under pseudonym Wise Ass! Featuring the hit singles, "Get Your Groove On and Your Pants Off", "My Other Band Is A Joke" and "I'm Gonna Fo-Shizzle that Koala's Nizzle". The album became an instant pop classic and was heralded in April 2006 as "The saviour of pop!" by Smash Hits magazine.
Inspired by Steve-o's incessant tuneless mumbling of My Sharona, Hendrix released the Galactic Number #1 hit single 'My Goat-Owner'. Hendrix is currently enjoying his new found success by wallpapering enlarged images of his album cover all over his Kensington penthouse flat in London.
In a jealous rage over the success of Goatologous, Pirate Ninja Jesus was spotted playing 'Stayin' Alive' at extremely high volumes in the vicinity of Disco Jesus' home. Disco Jesus was hopitalised and subsequently died of disco over-exertion. Pirate Ninja was prosecuted for the first ever case of audio assassination. He plead guilty and currently resides at the State Penitenti-Arrrgh-ry where Pirate Ninja is lauded for his woolly sock making ability.
The band were recently deported from Vietnam after the police were alerted to their "unhealthy" involvement with very young goats. After a lengthy court battle and large settlement the band retreated to their various ranches. Contortionist Dan later came out as Black blaming a "skin condition", no one believes him and he is considered a "cunt" by the music press at large.
Jesus loves to rock out to The Contortionists, on one occasion he was so moved by their music(?) that he had to, if you'll excuse the cliché, rock out with his cock out. In an unfortunate turn of events, Mary Magdalene was walking into the room just as Jesus flopped his girth out. It reminded Mary of when she was a prostitute back in Israel. They never talk of it.
In the early years of the 21st Century, the world experienced a mania unlike any other. More like self-gratuitous blood lust than Beetlemania and less like the paedophilic lust-mania of Gary Glitter, Contortion-o-mania was a means of escape for the deprived youth of the time. Contortion-o-mania received world wide media attention when in early 2007, a gang of Contortion-o-maniacs penetrated the house of Cliff Richard and brutally put the world out of its misery. Richard's skull was auctioned for charity and the Contortion-o-maniacs responsible are now well respected members of society.
After nearly 80 years of total obscurity, in 2075 The Contortionists did the only honourable thing for an aging band on its last legs to do - open a theme park. Rides such as the "Garside Nightmare Barf Rollercoaster", the "Naked Bassist Experience" and the "Eternal Infernal My Sharona Hell" awaited visitors. Thanks to success of "Mo" Joe "Jojo"'s solo career, funding was not an issue, and his monies also paid for the full-body giant mecha life-support body armour suits that kept the Contortionists living well beyond their natural years. The members of the band thumped around the park like rubbish robot Godzillas, waiting to terrorise, cripple, gore and poke guests.
Sadly, the park was forced to close only a week after opening due to low (read: Zero) attendance, the 98% potential fatality rate of every ride, but mostly owing to the fact that it was shit.
“...and I thought Alton Towers was shit!”
The Contortionists are mainly considered to be an album band, however, they have had their fair share of top 10 hits, most notably the 1998 collaboration with Damon Albarn and Vanilla Ice: "Jesus Aint Got No Dancemoves, Like I Got Dance Moves". It peaked at no. 2 and was used in an ad for "Big Joe's Used Car Emporium: Croydon's Swankiest Car Buying Place".
Other hits include: "Kiss my Gypsy" and "Stroke my Pikey".
It is also a little known fact (and epic-scale industry cover up) that the S-Club 7 hit, "S-Club Party" was in fact a cover of the Contortionists' track; "(Ain't No Party Like A) Contortion Party". S-Club's manager heard great potential in the song, and got The Blonde One (Jon), to sleep with Adam Garside in exchange for exclusive rights to the track. Garside has regretted this ever since, no only because of the huge success the song he penned earned the S-Club (another industry secret is that the "S" stands for "Satan", "Shiteater", and/or "Sapphic"), but also because his illicit encounter resulted in the contraction of a particularly vicious collection of STDs and other diseases, including but not limited to; Syphilis, Scrofula and Scabies (adding further credibility to the theory that the "S" in S-Club actually stands for "SexuallyTransmittedDisease"). The band are in contractual bondage to never play, record or discuss the track or the incident. However, on the rare occasions when the planets align, and the entire band are simultaneously drunk, they can be heard to perform a rendition of their only potential success.
The Contortionettes (official fanatic club)
The Contortionists inspire admiration and fierce loyalty. A paramilitary organisation devoted to licking band members, attending concerts and posting bumfluff on their messageboard has arisen. Behold, The Contortionettes
Over the years many people have become immersed in the Grinding Subatomic Industrial Soul-Metal of The Contortionists. Celebrity Fans include Julian Clarey, Oscar Wilde and Butch Dingle...
“Over the years I have become immersed in the Grinding Subatomic Industrial Soul-Metal of The Contortionists”
“I only wish my band - Wyld Stallyns! - could produce anything one fifth as good as the wonderful vinyl-belches the Contortionists make. Listening to their music is like experiencing teardrops of golden semen being spunked into your ears at 200mph.”
“I look forward to swapping make-up tips with Adam Garside, then anally raping each and every one of the wretched cunts at a drug-fueled backstage party in the near future.”
“We are flying down to Riiiiooooo!”
The band have never participated in any humanitarian work. In 2009 when asked to reform by Bob Geldof's new fund raising concert Live Ade, The Contortionists demanded that for them to perform they would require the name of the concert to be changed to Cunt Ade and payment of 12 million Faberge Eggs. Geldof caved in after massive pressure from the public and The Contortionists played Cunt Ade. Television history was made when over 200 million people saw Adam Garside devour a baby marinated in Colman's mustard and use its fingernails as a plectrum...
“Why should I care about starving babies when Jack Dee is winning the Faberge Egg Competition?”