Sydney Grandma School

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Sydney Grandma School was founded in 1863.5 after an act of some random parliament somewhere suggested that senile women were too foolish for the greater good of society. The school is located next to a museum, particularly appropriate as the museum has facilities for storing dead animals. The school, as suggested by the name, was primarily designed for humans of the feminine gender, but after the reign of popular headmistress Dame Edna, many old men started to frequent the school in drag. Currently the school provides some of the highest Grandma education in the whole of Australia.

Subjects offered suffered offered[edit]

Members of the SGS.

Sydney Grandma School offers a wide range of subjects catering for every type of grandma. These include:

  • Mathematics - Includes practical applications such as calculating the number of cakes needed to be baked for a charity fundraiser
  • English - In order to be able to criticise grandchildren for poor grammar
  • History - For the recounting of utterly useless historical anecdotes to grandchildren
  • Science - In order to understand why wrinkles happen, and why old people are more likely to experience heart attacks
  • Grandma Studies - Broad compulsory subject teaching the art of being a grandma. Also takes in lessons on how not to wet the bed.
  • Economics - Understanding how to invest in safe, conservative share portfolios
  • Latin - Dead languages are useful for dead people
  • Physical Education - In order to learn how to get maximum speed out of a wheelchair. Includes lots of golf
  • Design & Technology - How to best design seating plans for golf lunches
  • Geography - To this day no practical uses have been found for this subject

In addition to these, there are tutorials focusing on the dangers of drinking more than 1 standard drink per month, and warning against overage-sex


Several mottoes were suggested for the school including:

  • aviis confidimus (In grandmothers we trust)
  • laus senibus (In praise of old people)

It was decided finally that the motto would be:

maturitatem petens (In pursuit of maturity)

Rebellious Grandmas[edit]

At the beginning of the 1990s, the Sydney Grandma School entered a new period of uncertainty when the school became overrun with rebellious granmas. Such characters showed no respect to the teachers, uniform, or general school rules. Popular rebellious acts involved walking down stairs above the speed limit of 1 step/second, making bird noises. The Nerdy Grandma Organisations (NGOs) explained this because the latin word for grandmother (avia) is similar to latin for bird (avis).

Things took a turn in 2000 when headmaster Dr Joan Vellance appointed hitwoman and former boxer Antonia Muller under the title 'Senior Grandma Master'. The rebels have been put back into their place. Furthermore, the entrance of Where's Wally? from New Zealand and Mustalov Hasta, former KGB interrogator, has proved to have a further restricting effect on the grandmas.


The school has very good facilities, including a library stocked with tedious classics and light-reads, and a golf course called Y Gaul, named after old-girl Yvonne Gaul, who tragically died of a heart-attack while participating in an over-60s golf tournament.

The school used to be a boarding school, fitted with it's own aged care facility for boarders, but the boarding facilities were recently closed due to lack of demand

Random Trivia[edit]

  • If you have begat a child at some stage in your life, then it is possible that Your Mum secretly goes to this school
  • Last Year, 15 grandmothers died on campus due to heart-attacks
  • Jews edit this page in a bias manner

Is this Funny?[edit]

I mean seriously, Sydney Grandma School? Is this that the best you can do?


Is this funny?

Well, no.[edit]

Point proven.