Slaying

Slaying usually involves reindeer and a sled, but in more recent decades, slaying is the act of killing masses of people, at one particular time. Although it may not be fair at times, and sometimes it is just plain cruel - it still happens. We all at some point will hear of slaying, or even go as far as experiencing it. It can be a thrilling experience, or it can be an emotionally traumatizing one - it depends entirely on the circumstances. You wouldn't walk up to a bunch of strangers, and pull your M1911A1 and put six sheets of lead into them. It wouldn't be right. Nor would it be right to attack a bus at half past nine in the evening with a petrol bomb and attempt to slay everyone inside of the vehicle. That just wouldn't be fair.

The Wrong Way

To most people, killing is not the right thing to do. Most people who have half a brain cell will understand that slaying someone without cause or reason is morally wrong. In fact it is wrong in all circumstances, bar a few in which it is deemed acceptable. Here are a few examples of times when you should not slay your fellow citizen.

1) At a bank robbery, do not try to slay the robber. You may think you're a wu shu genius, but one blast of that SPAS 12 and you're totally fucked. When I say fucked I mean all over the floor fucked. I mean fucked so bad that even your mother can't save you.

2) When confronted by a police officer, do not try to slay him. Standard law enforcement weapons give a whole new meaning to the word - shit. They can fill you full of lead, and then you're in deep shit. You'll be wading in your own shit if you try it on with them.

3) Do not try to slay the civilians when holding up a store. Yes it is tempting to shoot that old school teacher, who was pretty much a bastard for about three years of your life. You really should not be holding up a store, but when in doubt shoot someone. Do NOT slay them though.

4) Do not slay for racist reasons. If you slay them, they'll come back and slay you, your brother and your mother for equal measure. Don't play with fire unless you want to burn yourself (and NO I won't get you any water. You brought it on yourself)

5) Do not slay the nerds. The nerds will |-|4><0r j00 with their 1337 skillz. That won't look pretty either. Do you know how many hard drives they can stick up your anus? Do you know how many times they could assplode you? I thought you didn't. So stay the hell away!

Important Notice

For legal reasons, if you do not wish to kill your fellow citizen look away from the screen, or even better pick up the huge VGA monitor that is on your desk and drop it on your head. Then you will understand the glories of death, because you are... dead! I would personally recommend dropping a Dell hard drive on your head. Dells are crappy, and we need to get rid of them as soon as possible. That is why I devised a top secret plan in order... wait a minute. I'm going off the point!

If you do not want to read, you know where the gun/door/knife/rope/porn is - now go my little chicken monkey, GO! GO AND FLY AWAY INTO A PLACE THAT IS UNKNOWN! THERE'S THE WINDOW!

The Right Way

Some people are asking to be slayed. We say no, we only want a peaceful talk to settle this dispute. They say " C'mon ya fag, I'll deck ya so fast - ya won't see it commin'!". As a result of this, civilised talking is no longer an option. You have only one option, to slay the motherfucker and his friends (if any). There are many ways to slay someone, it's all about the way in which you do it. It comes in handy to carry a gun though, or even better - lots of guns.

Remember this quote, for someday it might save your life.

“ Whenever in doubt, thy must shoot, bomb, or run the fuck over the person/group of persons. ”

Now that quote was told to me a long time ago, and yes it was told to me by a derranged psychopath who only goes by the name Fucking Kill™. I didn't know at the time he was a convicted murderer who probably wanted to kill everyone, and has a kill list longer than the Empire State Building. I got him arrested shortly thereafter for conspiring to kill someone though. I'm not too sure what happened to him. Some say he went into Microsoft or something...

Anyway, back onto the main point at hand. It is good to kill people sometimes. Some people are just complete arseholes with a lack of respect for themselves and those around them. It is at times like this when slaying becomes the only option. You do not have the option of a friendly discussion. You do not have the option of a pacifist negotiation. You do not have the option of a civil proceeding. You are only entitled to one thing, and one thing only - to kill thy neighbour (annoying prick, idiot, moron, etc).

Assistance

You are entitled to ask for assistance from, but you are not limited to, the following:

1. Chuck Norris - ask for his roundhouse kick, and they ain't ever comin' back.
2. Das Blutgöttin - the goddess of blood will help you, if you bow down to her.
3. God - sometimes a good shock up the ass, does the trick.
4. Satan - can be easily bribed and corrupted, which always comes in handy.
5. Steve Ballmer - whenever in doubt, fucking kill™ them all.
6. 1337 /\/\4573|2 - they'll pwn them hard, very fucking hard.
7. Ninja - slice, dice and turn them into a pool of mush.
8. Bill Gates - say there's a Windows XP in it for him, and he'll come running.
9. Neo - tell him they're all agents, problem solved.
10. Obi-Wan Kenobi - may the force be with you, and not against you.

n00bs

n00bs deserve to have their ass whooped on a regular basis (and that does not mean spanking, you dirty little pervert). It is only when you have defeated them numerous times, and they have not given up with their cocky, arrogant nature - that you can officially slay them. Slaying them is only fun when they really do deserve it. Some n00bs learn their lesson, whilst others don't. As a result of this it becomes tricky to decide whether to slay them or not. It's not like their chavs or anything...

Anyway getting back to the point at hand. If you want to slay a n00b, then do it fairly. A fitting end should do nicely as long as you have no one around you for about a couple of hours. I have compiled a list of the variety of ways in which a n00b can be slayed. Enjoy it folks!

1. Death by repeated bludgeoning with a games console controller (preferrably an unofficial XBOX one)
2. Death by dropping ten Celeron D processors on their head (nice bloody thing on the floor there)
3. Death by strangling them for half an hour using a USB cable (always a good option)
4. Death by replacing their heart with an unstable beta (betas only come in handy for this)
5. Death by crashing their beloved RuneScape on them (only they play that disgusting game)
6. Death by turning off their games console (only n00bs horde their games console like the undead)
7. Death by filling them full of faulty windows components (this is actually easier than pie)
8. Death by jamming a floppy disk up their anus (don't even ask where I got that from)
9. Death by smacking a BT Voyager 205 router against their head (pretty much all they're good for)
10. Death by speaking in 1337 to them (most of them speak 1337 wrong or can't speak it at all)

Chavs

Chavs are probably the worst people you willever come across. To learn how to deal with them in a more civilised way, go lick your teacher's ass. If you are here to learn how to injure them really badly, or beat the fuck out of them for the simple reason of wanting to, then you're almost on the right track. I will only explain here how to SLAY them. This whole article is about SLAYING. Everything in this article is about DEATH. So if you still want to beat them up go and get some large sticks or something.

There are many ways to kill them though. Here are just a few ways, in which you can reassure yourself that you have made a valuable contribution to the world. By killing a chav, you become one step closer to NOT getting another one of Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks. If you want one, go and google 'methods for suicide' that may cure your problem. Anyway, here is my list for how to kill a chav. Enjoy it folks!

1. Open up a rap festival and nuke it, all the chavs will swarm around it and die.
2. Send in the Spooks to clean it up, they always manage to sort things out.
3. Napalm every single council house, you'll slay the majority of them in the process.
4. Say there's going to be a big fight somewhere, then ambush the chavs and beat them to death.
5. Just release the horny hell birds, they'll skull fuck them all.
6. Use an electro-magnetic pulse to destroy all their phones, they will slowly cripple and fall.
7. Get a good old SPAS 12, and shoot them all in the head.
8. Punch them repeatedly in the face, and ram a chainsaw down their throats.
9. Ambush a burberry store, and stab everyone inside it.
10. Distribute masses of alcohol to them, they'll die from internal organ shutdown.