Shoulder blade

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A hand-drawn portrait of a shoulder blade, not yet surgically implanted.

Shoulder blade(s) are blades on one's shoulders, designed specifically for combat and warfare. Despite that their application in any fighting is considered mean and has been banned by the Geneva Convention, many Eastern cultures still use them for ritualistic fighting, and many scholars believe that this is where shoulder blades originated from. They base this on absolutely nothing. They have recently become popular self-defense weapon.


Shoulder blades can be dated back to the era of Feudal Japan, in which samurais would have shoulder blades surgically implanted and available for combat. The art in which Samurais were taught to use these weapons was called "Shoda-do" or "Mi-KikYo-Ass". The art taught simple maneuvering with the shoulder blades, for back then, it was "pretty damn hard to eat rice with iron anvils on your shoulders."

There are, however, three basic offensive strikes and two basic defensive moves for the shoulder blade(s). The first offensive strike is a simple "bum rush", or ramming your shoulder into someone. The second, is grabbing your opponent's head and forcefully slamming their head into your shoulder. The third, and the most effecient, is ripping your shoulder blade off and beating your opponent with it. This, of course, requires great practice, since again, the shoulder blades are surgically implanted.

Now, the first defensive blocking move is simply using your shoulder blade as a shield; the second: refer to basic offensive strike number three.

Use in Various Cultures[edit]


The ancient Aztecs, based on archaeological discoveries, apparently used shoulder blades to beat their disobedient children. In all irony, a homemade Aztec shoulder blade is currently worth exactly $8.50. This is due to the great number of shoulder blades made by the Aztec people, thus causing an economic inflation. The shoulder blades, however, were subsequently replaced by rocks as the preferred tool of child-beating.


Pirates reportedly used shoulder blades as napkin holders. They often decorated them with various flora and fauna, and pictures depicting decapitation of ninjas. Recent discoveries of ancient shoulder blades in the Atlantic Ocean suggest that pirates were the first to create animated pornography, the first being a shoulder blade with an image of Queen Elizabeth I being butt-fucked. Pirates also shaved using the edge of their shoulder blades. They simply brought their face to their shoulder blades and they had an instant single-blade shaver; shoulder blades become synonymous with the statement, "Arrrgh, my face fuckin' hurts".

Reported "UFOs"[edit]

The U.S. Department of Defense claims that all reports of "unidentified flying objects" were/are simply U.S. government tested flight-capable shoulder blades. A recently declassified document from the Pentagon states that shoulder blades were being tested as possible UAKs (Unmanned Aerial Kamikazes), the theory being that they could fly these razor-sharp shoulder blades into people for fun warfare.

However, the tests failed miserably. After killing many Indonesian children, the Government scrapped the project and gave it to the Russians, telling them to "have a bunch of fun". However, an entrepreneur by the name of Rick Penn bought the government's patent, and commercially sold the product as the "Frisbee". Again, there were problems as people found it hard to catch a razor-sharp flying disk without losing any fingers. So Rick decided to manufacture steel gloves for people to wear to catch Frisbees. This also failed, until designers decided to change the structure of the product to what we now know as the contemporary Frisbee: catchable, circular, but equally as shitty.