Sam Harris
“"I agree with his message; I just wish he'd change his tone.”
Sam Harris is an illusion propagated by complex neural networks in a brain created on April 9th, 1967. Despite being an illusion, Sam Harris is a beacon of rational thought in an irrational world filled with religious dogmatism, tribalism, and people who admire Mother Teresa. Harris once wrote a profound book on the nature of being an illusion, but no one cared because Ben Affleck wanted to talk about something else.
Young Adulthood[edit]
Harris has made the claim that as a college student he took a leave of absence in order to explore himself. In reality, his "exploration" was a night-long ecstasy trip, where he discovered his illusory nature and lack of a human soul. After discovering his non-existence, Harris thought he could justifiably commit voyeurism in sorority bathrooms. He was soon expelled from Stanford and was only able to get his degree years later by applying under the name "Ben Stiller".
During his twenties, Harris tried his hand at being a genocidal fascist. There is no evidence for this, but someone retweeted the claim so it must be true.
End of Faith/Letter to a Christian Nation[edit]
After 9/11, Sam Harris decided that religious faith had to be ended, and wrote the "End of Faith" calling for such action. Harris thought that his book was so persuasive that, within a year, all religion would be eliminated. A year after publication, Harris was dismayed. One day, during his daily meditation, he realized where he had gone wrong:
ATHEISM IS ITSELF A RELIGION!
Harris realized his project was thus self-defeating. He proceeded to drown himself in alchol and court television. He only rose out of his depressed stupor after watching a youtube video of Christopher Hitchens. It was actually a video of a drunk warthog. He was nevertheless inspired to retake the cause of atheism.
Harris wrote "Letter to a Christian Nation" as a response to his critics. He acknowledged that atheism is itself a religion, but it's the only good religion. While other religions tell you to wage jihad, stone gays, and worship a man with a beard in the sky, atheism tells you to do science, love gays, and worship a man with a beard who wrote "The Origin of Species".
Other Issues[edit]
After becoming an A-list celebrity, Harris decided to use his fame to comment on other important issues because no one else on the planet could say the things that needed to be said.
Morality[edit]
Harris believes that what is right and wrong basically comes down to what maximizes well being. Despite this belief, Harris thinks that the gravest sin of all is lying (any fat woman knows that this can increase well being). This is why Harris visits terminally ill children and tells them that God doesn't exist. Harris compensates their loss of belief by informing them about masturbation.
Islam[edit]
According to Harris, Islam is the world's most dangerous religion at this point in time. He has made it clear, however, that he doesn't hate Muslims, just their most cherished beliefs and primary social identity. Some have claimed that Harris' mean rhetoric created ISIS, an organization that wants to create the world's largest "safe-space" for fundamentalist Muslims.
Free Will[edit]
Harris does not believe anybody has free will, calling it a logical non-starter. For years, this fact had enabled him to live a guilt free life, as he did things such as refusing to give to charity, cutting people in line, and eating hamburgers in front of Peter Singer. After his wife caught him rubbing one out to Mala Yousafzai, Harris screeched "My cerebral cortex made me do it!!!". His wife responded "Well, my cerebral cortex made me do this." as she punched him in his old chap. Harris has not commentated on free will since.
Martial Arts[edit]
Despite Harris' belief that he is a serious intellectual, Harris actually enjoys watching the past-time of chimpanzees: Mixed Martial Arts. While watching fights, he mimics the moves of his favored fighter. (This is the "training in material arts" that he brags about). When a fighter he doesn't like wins, Harris has been known to throw his fecal matter at the telly. He's still rational though, because he's an atheist.
Top Enemies[edit]
Harris' opinionated nature makes him a very polarizing figure. He may have adoring fans, but he has just as passionate enemies. Here is a list of the top five:
5.Noam Chomsky[edit]
There used to be a time where Harris admired the Great Noam. This all changed, however, when Harris initiated an e-mail exchange with him to clarify some ethical issues. This is how it went:
HARRIS: Hey! What's up, Chom-dog! I just wanted to e-mail you to clarify some issues. This won't be published if you're too chicken (LOL jk).
CHOMSKY: This is obviously just a pre-text. I know you wanna fuck my daughter. That's what all young men want. Stop pretending to be serious.
HARRIS: Woah. First of all, I don't desire sex with anyone (through meditation I have transcended all lustful desires). Second, I really am sincere in my desire to clarify ethical issues. My main question: " Is America the main bad guy in the world?". You make it seem that America is responsible for most of the world's bad shit. This isn't really your position right? haha
CHOMSKY: Of course it is my position. Just look at the raw body count. America has killed more citizens in its history than all the Islamic terrorist groups combined. America = Biggest Terrorist.
HARRIS: NOO!!! America is the good guy!! All we want is democracy and star bucks for the middle east. Sure, we may not be that concerned with civilian deaths, but its all for the greater good.
CHOMSKY: It is for the greater good...of Starbucks. The U.S. government wages its imperial wars on behalf of corporate interests. If you're actually serious in your beliefs, (which you're not), you're a naive buffoon.
Keep your hands off my daughter. -CHOMSKY
That night, Harris went to bed furious. He only calmed down after he realized even Noam Chompsky doesn't have free will.
4.Cenk Uygur ( aka The Sweaty Guy on The Young Turks)[edit]
Cenk and Harris actually share important similarties in their views, but that doesn't prevent them from becoming bitter enemies on Twitter, (which, due to its 140 character limit, is the best place for nuanced discussions of complex issues).
On TYT interviews, Cenk sat down with Sam for three hours to "clear the air". Unfortunately, the discussion came 4 minutes short of what was necessary to convince Cenk he was wrong and establish a permanent peace. Within weeks, the Twitter war was back on and people continued to waste their time.
3. Reza (I Have a PhD!!!) Aslan[edit]
Reza is one of those intellectuals who deny that religious beliefs have the capacity to be either true or false. This entails that bad behavior cannot be caused by religious beliefs, but by something else, like political grievance, menopause, or both (looking at you, Jihadi John!).
The twitter battles with Reza were so bad that at one point Reza's wife called for a truce (the Aslan's hadn't gotten-it-on in weeks). The war temporarily subsided until Harris put out a tweet saying "I know @RezaAslan would like to start some shit, but the power of the pussy-whip is too strong!". Reza tried to restrain himself by praying to his metaphorical God for strength, but it was no use.as the new found strength was totally non-literal.
2. The Un-Fixable Leak[edit]
Like the beating heart from Poe's famous short story, the leak in Harris's house is an unstoppable torment. The leak regularly lays waste to Harris' robust mental fortress of stoicism and rationality, as just when it seems that the evil has been vanquished, the sound of the dripping water crashes Harris' eardrum, turning him into a raging, Hulk-like creature.
The leak can never be fixed because it is in fact divine retribution. God despises Harris' "End of Faith", specifically Harris' writings on torture, which God believes is categorically wrong. Of course, God isn't accountable to some other God, so He can do as He wants, including eternally torturing Harris for failing to obey Exodus 22:18.
1. Glenn Greenwald[edit]
The final circle of Harris' Hell is populated by Mr. Greenwald. According to Harris, Greenwald continually smears Harris by misrepresenting his views. According to Greenwald, Harris actually smears Greenwald by accusing him of smearing. Since there are two sides of the story, each side has a fifty percent chance of being correct, so flip a coin, make a Twitter account, and have fun!
The hatred between Harris and Greenwald is unparalleled since Tesla/Edison. In fact, according to New Atheist prophecy, the hatred continues to burn with such white hot intensity, it transforms into immense passion and the two have the most intense makeup sex in human history. Only then will the schism between the New Atheists and Progressive Left become healed, and the decades long reign of Fearless Leader Donald Trump finally crumble.
Legacy[edit]
Harris will likely be remembered as a public intellectual who, like the thousands before him, failed to make an impact on the species that made the Khardashians popular. Though a hero to some, and scourge to others, what is certain is that nobody will remember him as the son of Susan Harris, creator of The Golden Girls.
And that's all that ever mattered.