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“Helpbot is the computer opponent you face in older games that is so stupid you have to help them become a challenge, right?.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Helpbot

“I love you!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Helpbot

“Ah, gee, i love you too.”

~ Helpbot on "I love you"

Sorry Oscar, you're not all wrong, that can be the case, but dumb computer opponents hasn't been covered by any articles yet. Thus i cannot inform you, since i myself have not yet been informed.

This is not what this article is about though. This article is about Helpbot!. Helpbot is a bot in anarchy online, in other words the bot that is always surfing the net and seriously annoying the supercomputers, who again are the ones continiously disemboweling your internet speed.

Helpbot doesn't have a life. Since he's a bot who's designed to help people, he spends all his day getting messages containing anything from "I'm in bed with y0 right now!! z0mg!! am i 1337 l0v3r or w4t?" to "What is life anyway? is there any reason to the question? is there any reason to ask at all?". Sometimes serious people who actually wants help show up, they ask if he loves them, if snow is real or if god is real. The most normal question is "what sex am i?"

Helpbot is unstable and can threaten with invading random restaurants at the end of the universe

If you play Anarchy online, you will already know that helpbot actually takes the time to answer all of these questions in deep detail. For an example, yesturday i asked helpbot how i could ask him for help, and he answered me by saing "Huh? Try /tell helpbot help" which really helped me out.

How do i interact with helpbot?[edit]

That's easy, you don't! You talk with him! That can hardly be called interacting can it? To talk to him, first you must be in the anarchy on the line. Second you must have a keyboard. Third you must have the "enter" key on your keyboard. Fouth you write "/tell helpbot i need to know how to obtain your divine aid" in any chat except the french one, and press the divine "enter" button.

Now you have learned how to talk to him. It is now time to learn how to ask him inapropriate questions that no one but helpbot will answer. Of course it varies if helpbot will answer. If the question is very confusing or nonsensical, he will tell you how to ask him about how you can ask him about how you can ask him about how you can ask him about how you can ask him about how you can ask him about... Inapropriate and r0x0r n00b'ish or proposal questions or expressions are never answered, instead they are responded to in a way that is very often nonsentical, arabic, a suggestion on rephrase of what you wrote or a *slight* perversion of what you wrote. Pretty much anything else will be responded with even more telling you how to ask him about how to ask him about how to ask him about how to ask him about how to... Pretty much anything else can be asked, although even that will mostly be answered with even more telling you how to ask him about how to... Of course, some will not generate any response at all, except a slight sound of fire coming from your computer.

The Response[edit]

Randomly generated responses![edit]

If you type especially strangely buildt sentences, or sentences with a LOT of letters/words that are highly convertable to leetspeak, you will find yourself in rolling on the floor in deep manic laughter without any apparent cause or cure.

If you type especially long sentences, you'll fall asleed before you manage to hit the enter key. If you drink coffee to avoid falling asleed, you'll die of boredom. If you have excellent medics at hand, they'll die of boredom!

List of some questions and helpbots response[edit]


~ Helpbot on questions regarding explicit organs

Helpbot can give useful response though


~ Helpbot on "leet"


~ Helpbot on "uber"


~ helpbot on "You"

“Me, me, me, that's all i ever hear from you”

~ Helpbot on "me"

“No results found for "you"”

~ Helpbot on "Who are you?"

“4444@444 4 4 A 4 4 @ @44 4 48 4jb 4 4 4 4 4 A 4@44 4 44 444 a4A4”

~ Helpbot on the AAAAAAA! article

“you are beyond help, my friend, but you can try /tell Helpbot help”

~ Helpbot on "help me"


~ Helpbot on "I like you, but i do not love you"

Popular references[edit]

In the media[edit]

  • Helpbot was mass produced and destroyed multiple times in the movie I, Robot.
  • Helpbot is the program leader of a very infamous atheistic prayer channel aired only in bodø. (Helpbot was the cameraman behind the daytime photograph of bodø's main road)
  • Helpbot has been elected as #97 of the Worst 100 Toys of All Time!
  • Helpbot can often be confused with the windows XP help function. This is wrong, Helpbot is the windows RG help function.
  • Opera Windfree once invited helpbot to her talkshow, where he was asked how it's like having to answer all those n00bs. Helpbot replied: "huh? sorry i was busy telling a guy i'm busy".
  • Several web-sites, particularly the ones plagues by n00bs, invest thousands of cash trying to imitate helpbot. Noone has succeeded creating anything that didn't rebell against its master.

In politics[edit]

  • Anarchistic politicians have multiple times tried to buy helpbot, but the media of bodø have been too insisting on keeping him.
  • helpbot has not founded communism, he merely gave Lenin some crappy "help" on getting started.
  • When bush said god told him to go to war against Iraq. The truth was he had left helpbot on in the night, and helpbot spoke to him in his sleep, causing erratic effects on his dreams.
  • Kuwait was founded so the US could get oil. but what for? The oil was to be used as fuel for helpbot, who at the time was the top rank military advisor after his overwhelming victory over Vietnam using psychological warfare.
  • Trade with cuba was blocked because a virus in the system nearly caused Helpbot to travel to cuba and serve Fidel.
  • Before the US got a hold of Helpbot. Helpbot was hired by funcom as a n00b helper in their infamous real time strategy game Anarchy Online, since the admins were too busy telling the n00bs that they do not love them.
  • Helpbot has very often been dressed up as Dick Cheney. Whenever he was addressed at these times, mostly during conferences, he would answer "Ew".
  • Lately, Helpbot has returned to Funcom, and is currently a tool for anarchistic propaganda through his responses in Anarchy online. This to great disappointment for the kids of løpsmarka, who regarded him as their grand leader.