Reasons to become an atheist/The Dead Serious Scrolls Version

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"Hubba hubba," indeed.

"So, if I became an atheist... how much money would I save on KY Jelly? Did you say the entire budget?"

~ Usher: on Reasons to Become an Atheist

Becoming an atheist can be exceptionally difficult, since it requires some understanding of what the term actually means. There are few real advantages, either, unless of course you're just using it as an excuse to evade conventional standards of morality. Also, you must be willing to make at least an 18-month commitment, with option to buy.

  • You get to have sex, finally! What a relief.
  • The word "sex" will no longer provoke disturbing mental images of rubber sharks, baguettes, and empty containers of body lotion.
  • British sex comedies will begin to seem "funny," a concept you previously found bewildering. French sex comedies will continue to elude you, of course.
  • Your wireless phone will actually begin ringing, prompting you to bang it on the table several times before you finally realize what's going on.
  • So-called "intelligent" people, though made somewhat uncomfortable by their suspicion that you're about to betray them in some way, will at least stop trying to run you over with automobiles.
  • You get to make fun of religious people! That's always hilarious! Why, I'm making fun of them right now, and I'm just having a swell time.
  • Your pet monkey's nephew, Cecil, will stop putting unwanted links in your Uncyclopedia articles. Who knows, maybe you will, too.
  • Though you're already aware of the fact that fish can have monkey eggs, your previous conception of the issue will become somewhat clearer when you actually see it happen.
  • You get to have your dog taught in the public schools, assuming your children successfully steal the money you'd been saving to hand over to your co-religionists to educate them, and then go to live with your ex-spouse.
  • Your purpose in life, previously defined by edicts imposed on you by religious figures, will instead be defined by an irresistible desire to scream in pain and anger at everything you see around you.
  • If you ever do anything nice for anyone else ever again, you'll be paralyzed with fear over what that person will do to you to get revenge.
  • You'll never go to Hell, but since you were originally a Zoroastrian anyway, a nice illustrated travelogue should suffice.
  • You get to be your own God, even though that would be illogical. It will seem like quite a lot of fun at first, though, until you realize how much administrative overhead is involved.
  • You get to read books about a person named "Harry Potter" who goes to a school called "Hogwarts Academy," and to your surprise, he gets laid all the time!
  • You'll be slightly more popular on the lecture circuit, though mathematically speaking, an additional 50 percent of zero is still zero.
  • Your doctoral thesis, which had previously been rejected as "deeply moronic," will be rejected as simply "moronic."
  • You'll gradually begin to turn gay, as opposed to almost immediately, or more likely, already.
  • You'll not not not go to heaven! Figure that one out! Oh, wait, it's just a simple triple negative, therefore an ordinary single negative. (Sorry.)
  • In order to achieve "spiritual enlightenment," you'll be required by law to believe that this is something that Christians can never achieve. Buddhists, Jews, Muslims, Sufis, Hindus, Pagans, and Hamsters are a different story, however.
  • You don't actually have to believe in anything, except that you should at least believe in nothing, if only to avoid the dreaded "hypocrite" tag.
  • You get free membership in the ACLU, which you previously thought stood for "Akers County Lock-Up" - something you would gladly have paid to be a member of.
  • Abortions! Abortions! Abortions! Abortions!
  • Since atheism has no "theology" by definition, you'll be able to save quite a lot of that time that you would have otherwise wasted reading Wittgenstein.
  • Communion wafers are incompatible with the Atkins diet, though you might have had a slight chance with the South Beach plan.
  • You'll be qualified to teach religion classes at the University of Kansas, but unfortunately the University will want to interview you for the job on-site, and you'll be shot if you make any attempt to cross the state line.
  • Your random guesses as to the nature of existence will, almost as if by magic, become just as reliable as those of Jean Paul Sartre, since he was only French.
  • You'll save money on funerals, since you can unceremoniously dump your loved ones' corpses into a handy landfill, or - even better - make even more money selling them to unsavory people who wish to do unspeakable things with them. Of course, the fact that you previously had to eat them yourself will only make the additional savings that much sweeter.
  • If you enjoy whinging on incessantly about how unfair life is, how oppressed you are, how nobody understands you, and how everyone is against you, at least you'll have the satisfaction of knowing that you won't be punished for the venial sin of whinging.
  • Though you'll have no soul, at least you might eventually develop a sense of comedic timing.

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