Randy Rhoads
Randall William "Randy" Rhoads (born December 6, 1927) is the man best known for his singing ability, not to mention he can lay down a wicked beatbox for those who like to freestyle. He abandoned his vocal career, though, for he realized that god placed him here on earth to show people how to properly play guitar (he was on Mars before earth, but no one on mars could grasp the concept of guitar. I guess we were right when saying there was no "intelligent" life out there. The mars people soon killed themselves, though, so I guess there's no life at all, now).
Early Life
Randy Rhoads was born on Angel's Night, which is basically like devils night but with angels. People figured Randy was indeed an angel, so the holiday started with him. His parents were Rhonda and Ronnie, and his siblings were Roberta, Ricky, Rudolph and Rolly (researchers and scientists are still trying to figure out how "Rolly" actually became a name). He began playing guitar at the age of 6 months(he was taught how to play by John Crosby), and it was only 4 months later that he began to teach at his mother's music school. Some of his more notable students were Chuck Berry, Jeff Beck, Dave Mustaine (he acquired his homosexuality when he stopped his lessons prematurely), Kerry King, Tripp Eisen, Tony Blair, Chuck Norris, God, and Jesus (God was pretty well off; he got jesus a shiny new les paul and lessons with randy for his 10th birthday).
Duel with Ree
Before Randy got involved in any serious bands, he had a famous guitar duel with Dragonforce's lead guitar tech, Herman Ree. The match started out even when Herman was playing his fucked up assorted nerd noises on the guitar, but he soon realized that god did not grant him the gift of guitar prowess as he had with Randy. Instead, god gave him the "gift" of being the only person in recorded history with a British/Chinese accent. Many believe that his ability to transcribe an epileptic seizure onto guitar comes from the simple fact that he is Asian. The seizure proved to be futile against Randy's magical guitar playing, and Herman Ree was defeated after his head exploded
The later-middle part of his life
Rhoads started his first band, "BukFuttr", in 1950; they were met with minimal recording success. They had only one noticeable release, "Smoke on the Water", but the rights to that song (along with tablature of the main guitar riff and solo) were lost to Ritchie Blackmore's dad in a poker game held at Randy's house. Randy suspected Mr. Blackmore of cheating and soon killed him. Brutally.
Quiet Riot
BukFuttr soon disbanded and Randy bumped into this guy who had a really high pitched voice. In fact, Randy has been quoted as saying:
| “ | I swear to fucking god that guy always sounds like he just got kicked in the balls | ” |
The two men started talking and soon after they formed "Quiet Riot", with Randy playing Jaw-Harp and the man with the high voice covering singing (shrieking) duties. Randy and Mr. High-Pitched-Voice-Guy hired John Bonham to play drums, (he was later fired when it was discovered that he was, in fact, dead. (although Bonham still holds some resentment because of this. (Except he really doesn't, because he's dead.))) and Ryan Martinie to fill the bass position. The band had some success, most prominently the platinum hit, "Come on, feel my balls".
Ozzy Osbourne
Randy enjoyed playing in quiet riot, but he soon realized that due to the extremely high-pitched nature of the singer's voice, his hearing was failing. He decided to fix his ears the only way he knew how: Drugs. Interestingly enough, he and his Drug Dealer, Ozzy Osbourne, had a shared interest in music. After hearing ozzy mumble incoherently after an extra-potent hit of every drug known to man, Randy was inspired and soon afterward he began to play music with him.
Ozzy and Randy hired bassist Robert Trujillo, and drummer Lars Ulrich to play in their new band, but they were both soon fired out of spite.
“That bass guy looked like a fuckin' monkey!!”
Ozzy Osbourne then attempted to hire a ficus plant, a toaster, the toast in the toaster, and the right-front tire on his jeep before he realized that none of those previously mentioned band candidates could not really do anything, let alone play music. After several more futile attempts to hire a bottle of whiskey to play bass, Ozzy gave up and hired Alex Van Halen and Michael Anthony. No one knows what became of these two when they left Ozzy.
After several chart topping hits such as "Crazy Taxi" and "Diary of Ozzy Osbourne", Ronnie James Dio committed suicide, simply because he realizes how much he sucks ass.
That one time Randy Rhoads didn't die
Randy was touring on ozzy's "Dear Diary" tour. when the band decided to stop and rest at some rich guy's house in orlando. the rich guy had Airplanes. and the bus driver, who seemingly forgot that he drove a ground vehicle not an air vehicle, wanted to join the mile high club with the hairdresser. The hairdresser, who had been trying to do randy all tour, offered an invitation for a threesome, to which randy responded "no thank you, i think i'll get a coffee"
So randy adjourned himself to the nearest starbucks and boned every attractive girl in the building. After getting his coffee for 20% off, he returned to the rich guy's house to find that the bus driver crashed his dumb ass into the rich guy's mansion. Randy was quoted as saying "fuckin' a. I'm glad i didn't do that".
Life after that one time he didn't die
Randy continued to record with Ozzy until Mr. Osbourne's untimely death in 2003. Doctors say that Ozzy's cause of death was "Has been dead for about 20 years now, and somebody finally told him". It has been said that Randy was the one who told Ozzy he was dead.
After the death of Ozzy, Randy took over the duties as lead singer. The drummer and bassist were both killed in a freak accident involving Space Shuttles, popcorn, and Tony Danza, so Randy took over both of their duties as well. He currently tours the world frequently.