Rafael Benítez
“Go Compaaaaaaaarrrrreeeeee!”
Rafael "Rafa the Goatee" Beneath-us Maudes (born 16 April 1960) is a fat, sweaty Spanish waiter famous for his special house paella, world-renowned because it is specially flavoured with the distict taste of Slur Alex Fergusons bile. He was also manager & part time player of the Mickey Mousers Soccer Franchise but now is in FC Moratti. This is a particularly great achievement seeing that he suffers from acute myopia(blindness for the uninformed). It is rumoured that, if he is ever to smile, he will instantly and spontaneously self combust.
Early Life[edit]
Rafael "Fat Boy" Fuckatez was born into poverty as a soccer player. The precise location of his birth is in dispute as 2 renowned experts in the field have come to differing views on this matter. Gene Snitsky, historian & part-time professional stripper claims that Rafa Fuckatez was born in Ghduogofhuho Bay, Greenland, a claim bolstered by Fuckatez' Afro-Greenlandic origins & the large concentration of pirates in this area. Oscar Wilde on the other hand insists that Rafa Benitez was born on Mars. As of 20th June 2006, this matter has been resolved by not trusting the stripper.
Little else is known about Rafa Fuckatez' early life apart from he was born into poverty. The identity of his parents remains a mystery apart from the fact that he is a half breed. Even his last name is not his own. His name, roughly translated from an Inuit dialect, means anal masturbator, a claim Fuakatez himself furiously denies. He remained in relative obscurity working as a part-time basket weaver & radio DJ before he got his 1st big break, an offer to become a pirate on the Black Pearl.
Many sea-faring adventures brought much fame & glory to him (despite being only a toilet cleaner). However his many exploits cost him an arm & a leg, & also an eye & most of his pubic hair. Nevertheless Benitez put all of this aside & set forth on his greatest endeavor yet, Liverpool , Land of the Evertonian scousers, as LFC Supporters originate from Norway.
Fuckatez scoured the city centre for a job in a resurant as a waiter which was his chosen profession, but ended up in the lowley position as manager of the redshite football club, as no openings offering any sort of career progression were available in the restaurant industry in the city.
Team Selection Policy[edit]
It is known that Rafa decides his team selection using a complex algorithm based on the National Lottery. The draw for his team selection is broadcast on ITV 84+6. One week, when the numbers were 32, 36, 39, 41, 43, 46 and 49, he famously had to register 7 centre-backs from the youth academy to play in a vital first-team match against rivals Abramograd Chelski FC. His selection policy has been a target of fierce criticism; however, he defended it by saying "Iss unfair that we don play Portsmouth every week, no?"
Beneath-us and Liverpool[edit]
The turning point of Beneath-us's career came when the crew of the Black Pearl set forth on their greatest endeavour yet, a daring raid on the Iraqi Imperial Palace to steal Edvard Munch's famous painting, the Thierry Henry. Wenger promptly betrayed his crewmates & stole the Henry for himself. However his hand was bitten off by Saddam Hussein himself during a 5 hour Hardcore Match which Wenger won after the involvement of an army of Inuit midgets(hired by Wenger himself for this purpose alone). It has since been revealed that the midgets were in fact sent by Alexander of Ferguson, who received the idea after watching Gordo Straclachan bite off Southgates' balls.
With the Henry procured, Wenger set off on a life-raft to Lake Titicaca where he intended to live happily ever after with his painting. However a tornado lifted him up & dumped him in England again. With no money in his pockets & his life raft completely ruined, Wenger had no choice but to set up shop where he landed & founded Arsenal, named after himself of course. Arsenal originally served as a museum to house the Thierry Henry which basically scared the crap out of everyone who saw it & Wenger promptly fined them for soiling the place. This plan, however, came to an end after Oscar Wilde saw the Henry & promptly released the biggest fart recorded in history. The 4000 billionton explosion wiped out 95% of the known & unknown Universe & destroyed whatever remained of Wengers pubic hair.
Hurt but undaunted, Wenger came back & founded the 2nd Arsenal, which is in its present form today. Together with Henry, Wenger has made Arsenal a massive club with an annual turnover of 28 cents a year
Recent friction between Wenger & the Henry(they sleep in separate rooms at the moment) has led to speculation of a split in the making. Wenger has vehemently denied these claims:
Rafa called time on his professional managerial career after permanently taking up the position of manager at budget sportswear company Newcastle United. Despite Newcastle's second tier status, Benitez was tempted into staying due to the KFC in Newcastle's city centre, the 'Rafa please stay' graffiti at Byker station and his relatively skinny build in relation to the company's fans.
Controversies[edit]
He was chucked out of the premier of Free Willy 9, as the cinema staff caught him smuggling in a bag of Skips and Gummi Bears as he didn't buy any of the food at their own canteen.
“There are (hic) neo ph-ph-phrublems betweeeen meeee & Henry(hic). Weee will still go th-th-thu Lake (hic) Titicaca someday.”
On 28th June, 2007 Benitez was first seen in public with his new goatee. During the signing of Momo Sissoko's contract, Rafa shook Momo's hand and said "Smile for the camera, ese". His goatee can live on its own and has been seen hanging with Mexican Cartel on Wednesday nights. The premier league first requested that Benitez wear a paper bag over his head due to the explicit nature of his goatee. Beneath-us replied "This goatee represents the life and soul of Liverpool FC, without it we are nothing". However, a petition containing 100,000 signatures from liverpool supporters and a staggering 1 billion signatures from the rest of the world suggest otherwise. The premier league are currently filing a lawsuit against Benitez for ugly misconduct.
Trivia[edit]
- Some say he was the stunt double for Willie Garson in Jackass Number 2.
- He starred in the movie version of Thomas the Tank Engine, taking the role as "Fat Controller" He famously had to lose 87lbs in order to be slim enough for the role.
- It is rumored that Benitez's brain is inside his goatee, which would explain why he refuses to shave that ugly thing off.
- Benitez is actually a pirate, and just like his brain, his parrot and eye patch are both concealed inside his goatee.
- As a side project, Benitez advertises a famous UK car insurance comparison company.
- From the age of 5-15, he was affectionately known as 'fat fuck' and 'fat bastard'
- He has an extra anus, which he uses to shit pearls of wisdom like "jus cos zat other team aff more points zan us, no mean zey is better than us"
- Windows 7 was his idea.
Shoplifting (or embarking on shopping trips with insufficient funds)[edit]
Throughout childhood and his adult life, "Rafa" (or cuntybollocks) as he's sometimes referred to, has gone shopping either without any money or with insufficient remuneration to acquire his chosen chattels (Liverpool fans won't understand this last bit!). This has reportedly led to instances where he has offered between 0.0002% and 0.003% of a goods' right and proper value, only to be told to "fuck off back to Dagoland". Undaunted, the plucky Spandiard has maintained his line of (inept) bargaining and increased his offer to a maximum of between 1% and 2.5%, but has generally thrown in the following:
- A "mish-mash" of lame items of livestock (which were too lame to be thrown from the belltower of his local church during "El fevistivo de la Cruelta".
- Steve Finnan
- A used plaster from Emile Heskey's left foot.
- A veritable assortment of bouncer's sperm that dripped from the vagina of Steven Gerrard's wife.