Polish Inquisition

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“No one expects the Polish Inquisition. That's why they never bake a cake in advance.”

~ High Inquisitor G on Polish Inquisition

The Polish Inquisition is the most feared security service known to mankind (and his Polish mother). Assassinations, guilt and sitting alone in the dark are common tactics of these ruthless inquisitors.


A typical Polish Grandmother. Ruthless. Remorseless. Perfect.

In 1876 (circa) the famed Polish ruler, King Jarek the Not So Special, has concluded that all of his efforts to rule the Polish Kingdom with his iron (yet scented) fist was for naught. In his pain and grief he decided to turn to the dark side of the force and initiated one of the world's most feared security services, the Polish Inquisition.

Beforehand creating the service Jarek had concluded that in order to kill two birds with a single stone, he might use the excess reservoirs of Polish grandmothers he has at his disposal. No one is more suitable to deal with the job than those ruthless, lurking, ever pesky grandmothers.

The Polish Grandmother - Synopsis

For many centuries those vile creatures roamed the prairies of Poland without any disturbance. Those ruthless members of one of the most ruthless feminine groups those grandmother spawn offspring for in order to enjoy the simple pleasures of life. Making them feel guilty for not visiting them, making indigestible dishes while claiming they are the height of modern cooking and all grandchildren must feed on them indefinitely.

They thrived on misery.

They fed on guilt.

They sat alone in the dark for days, just to feel everyone else feeling bad about it.

They were the backbone of the Polish Inquisition.

Establishing The Service

King Jarek nominated as his first chief inquisitor the infamous G. Some presume that G stands for Guilt, the main weapon of the inquisitors. Other believe that it may be "Grandmother", the one Polish mother of all Polish grandmothers who was chosen for the job.

Most don't give a drop of piss in a bowl of Barszcz (you should try it sometime, it really adds a certain twist to the flavour).

This title later became the later official title of office for the chief inquisitors. Little is known about G, except that she was ruthless in her work, was extremely loyal, and was fond of stale bread and sour milk. It was said that she used to eat and drink them to cause her subordinates to feel a feeling of light nausea bordering with mild feeling of guilt.

Some just say that she couldn't have another drop of Czernina, and that sour milk tasted much better than that atrocity.

G has decided that the basic layout of the inquisition will consist of three departments:

  • Department of Guilt (DOG)
  • Department of Counting
  • Department of Tsk-Tsk
Head of the Department of Guilt (DOG) commonly addressed to as The Top DOG

The Department of Guilt

The main thing history has yet to grasp about this department is that the inquisition was not about proving guilt of the accused but it was much more about making them feel guilty about the naughty things they've done.

As Poles are known to be completely paralyzed by feelings of guilt G has used this department well to spread mass hysteria and heavy guilt among dissidents in the kingdom. Amongst the methods used by the DOG:

  • Surprise raids - Dropping by unannounced in the early hours of the morning showing disappointed faces when no refreshments are available.
What do you mean no cake? Jadek had a lovely cake when we dropped by last week!
  • General disapproval - Imagine yourself getting a call, around 4am, and when you pick it up all scared and shaken imagining the worst (something like a steaming plate of Bigos), you hear this husky voice whispering:
I heard you got a 99 at your final exam. I'm very disappointed. Why not a 100? Why, just last week Jadek got a full 100 in his exam!
  • The Match up Routine - Imagine yourself being a single. Now imagine yourself meeting the woman of your dreams in the local pub and she is just everything you ever wanted - looks, intelligence, wealth...just everything you ever imagined and you are damn sure that your (Polish) mother will hate every god damned inch of her. Naturally, that lovely woman is a top attractive operative of DOG (commonly referred to as the Hot DOG). She will make your life miserable.
  • Speeches - Often used directly after a "General disapproval". As soon as you put the phone down the Head of the DOG will march in with a microphone stand and speakers and lecture you on the terrible situation in Africa, informing you that for every day of your life you have not given money to charity you've personally being responsible for the death of one child or baby in a particularly poverty stricken part of the said continent. This will then be followed by a brief explanation of every single crisis and how you are the direct cause of it.
A massive raid of the inquisition in progress

The Department of Counting

The Department of Counting consists of deep undercover agents pretending to be close friends and relatives. Their prime directive is quite simple: deprive you of human company.

Their main weapon? Counting - How many rounds of beer did he buy during his last hop to the pub? How much thought did she put into the present she bought for your last birthday? How many weekends does she spend with his family rather than yours? IS YOUR BROTHER IN FACT THE ONE THEY LOVE MORE?! WHY DO WE KEEP GOING TO BAR-MITZVAS ONLY ON YOUR SIDE OF THE FAMILY?!

The Department of Tsk-Tsk

Serving as a partial retirement for old and tired inquisitors, this is considered to be a standard assignment for elderly female agents. Dressing up as old and tired Polish ladies they circle their victim in a standard box formation. Any action taken by the poor soul being tailed will be immediately rewarded by a foreboding Tsk-Tsk (a sound of utter displeasure created by pressing your lips together and clucking your tongue). Possible encounters are as follows:

"Give me one double cheese burger please"

"Tsk Tsk"

"Jadek never eats junk food. Only salads!"

"One one way ticket"

"Tsk Tsk"

"Jadek Always plans ahead and buy a two way ticket."

"Bye mom. See you soon"

"Tsk Tsk"

"Jadek always comes for the weekend and never forgets to bring flowers."

victims of guilt attacks by the inquisition's operatives

Catch Phrases Being Used by Inquisition Operatives

  • Never mind, I'll just sit alone in the dark. With the cat.
  • Oh, your gift is very nice. Really.
  • Never mind, you don't need to help me. I'll rest in the grave (This one is considered as an extreme warning prior to confinement and execution).
  • (typical for very hot summer days) Don't forget to take a warm pullover! (other side claims it is 40C outside) THEN TAKE SOME WATER AS WELL! YOU DON'T WANT TO DEHYDRATE!
  • He seems very nice. Tell me again how much his parents earn?

Further Reading