Paul Dacre

In a world gone PC mad, the Daily Mail stands up for right thinking white anglo-saxon protestants everywhere. Well, not everywhere, mainly England. And mainly in the south.

Paul Dacre became editor of the Daily Mail in 1893, three years before the paper was first published. Aside from a brief sojourn spent fighting communistic, black, leprous, lesbian gypsy immigrants in North London during the so-called Blair Wars (1997-present), Dacre has ruled over the newspaper throughout its history. A brief uprising against him by unknown perpetrators in 1976 was quelled using a counter-terrorism team consisting of re-animated SS members, Dementors and the Uruk-hai.

Killed for the third and final time in 2001, Dacre currently presides over the Associated Newspapers empire from the wastepaper basket where his pus-filled heart rests in its jar of black bile, kept beating via the darkest necromantic sorcery. Dacre has also had people round to house to dig him a bunker in case Hugh Grant acquires military weapons to take revenge on 'the Beast' for allegedly hacking into his love life.

Editorial Style

Over the years Dacre has purchased a number of indentured servants, or ‘journalists’, the most notable of whom is Richard Littlejohn. Tasked with such duties as ‘cleaning the jar’, ‘replacing the bed pan’ and ‘forcing the resignation of the hated labour government by fairly, reasonably and accurately demonstrating the devastating effects that homosexuals, immigrants, muslims and women have had on house prices in the south-east of England’, the servants are worked brutally by Dacre. Often asked to put in shifts of upwards of 320 hours straight recycling tired editorials interspersed with witty catchphrases such as ‘PC gone mad’, ‘nanny state’ and ‘I’ve just made it up’, the average life expectancy of a Mail ‘journalist’ is a mere 3-5 years.

Any ‘journalist’ surviving beyond their fifth year is rewarded in a clandestine ceremony, known within the Mail as ‘the fucking of the staff’, whereby the member of staff concerned is forcibly thrown into the jar containing Dacre’s pus-filled heart. The ‘journalist’ is thus rewarded for their service by being allowed to have their life-force drained to provide further sustenance for their editor. It is not clear what Dacre does with dried husks that remain, though cultural commentators have speculated that he arranges them on his mantelpiece in humorous and/or sexual poses.

Blair Wars

In 1997 the Daily Mail declared war on the United Kingdom, led by the hated Tony B. Liar, and Dacre left his position of editor-in-chief to serve as a commander in Oswald Mosley’s Truthspeak alliance. Other notable members of the alliance included Dark Lord Conrad Black, the notable pornographer Richard Desmond, Taki, Tintin and Hitler.

The alliance launched a full scale attack on 10 Downing Street in early 1999 by tricking hordes of elderly pensioners into not paying their council tax, while pandering to a lower-middle class target audience too stupid to realise that most of the alliance’s specified aims would in fact leave them considerably worse off. The war is ongoing, though the Truthspeak alliance have since disbanded.

Dacre died in the line of duty, run over by a truck driven by paedophile Albanian asylum seekers on their way to sell drugs exclusively to white middle-class children. His death was celebrated throughout the civilised world, and he was buried in an unmarked grave, London. His body was exhumed three days later, and Dacre resumed editorial duties with immediate effect.

Hacking

'I warn you Mr Dacre...I am going to make you cry'.

In 2011 Paul Dacre denied the Daily Wail or the Malevolence on Sunday had paid money to men and women in trenchcoats and trilbies to follow Hugh Grant around to see if he was going to make a decent film. When that didn't happen Dacre dressed up as a honeypot to entice secrets from Grant but that failed. In February 2012 at a press enquiry Dacre burst into tears when Grant said his newspapers printed fibs.

Ed Miliband

In September 2013 demanded Labour Party leader Ed Miliband denounce his late father Ralph Miliband for something he drew on a school text book when he was 17. Miliband senior had written ' I hate the Daily Mail' and 'King George VI sucks' with a drawing of Britannia running away from a giant swastika. Dacre said Ralph Miliband was an ungrateful foreigner not fit to kiss a monarch's ring.

Personal Life

From 1933-45 Darce served as Fuhrer of Nazi Germany under the guise of his alter-ego, Adolf Hitler. Paul Dacre is now married with three kittens. Although it was rumoured that he was a notorious swinger during his younger days, Dacre changed when he met Saint Margaret Thatcher. He said that this meeting changed his life. He went from a mild man to a roaring moralist. The same day Dacre cut his beard, threw away his sandals and beads and bought a three piece suit.