Order of the Illumigetti
“Conspiracy? It's easy as spaghetti!”
The Order of the Illumighetti is a selective sect of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The Illumighetti is foremost a secretive society of pasta-fearing nobility who guard the sacred Linguini Code of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, a long hidden document that reveals his noodliness’s greater plans for humanity.
History[edit]
Bavarian minister of Pastafarianism and local pasta chef Parma De Jean founded the Illumighetti in May of 1776, when he received the Linguini Code from the Flying Spaghetti Monster in a vision:
“He placed his noodly appendage upon my temple and thus it was known. And what was known could not be unknown.”
Parma De Jean immediately enlisted the aid of his good friend Adam Weishaupt, ex-member of the Reformed Church of Alfredo, and began recruitment for the not-as-secret and not nearly as much fun cover organization known as the Illuminati. Weishaupt originally wanted to name this group the Perfectibilists, but De Jean thought it "not nearly badass enough". Most members of the Illuminati were not trusted enough to become members of the Illumighetti, as they were rational, enlightened freethinkers, which is an unforgivable crime against Pastafarianism.
Bavarian ruler Karl Theodor banned all secret societies in 1777, but the Illumighetti were ready for this stiff. They were able to keep him quite distracted by their various charades over the years (you see, Lord Theodor was quite a fan of Charades and never turned down the game). But, Theodor was also distracted by the Illuminati, which purposefully was left out in the open to deceive him. All according to the plans of De Jean and Weishaupt, Theodor's agents raided the house of head record keeper Xavier von Zwack in 1786. Only rubbish Illuminati documents were recovered, drawing all attention away from the Illumighetti.
As mandated by the Flying Spaghetti Monster (for reasons not yet revealed), the Linugini Code was hidden from most Pastafarians until the high prophet Pastaroni III was commanded by his sauciness to increase the size of the order in 2003. In 2012, he declared an international state of emergency in his Spaghettisberg Address, warning all members to stockpile pasta and prepare for Alfredo Day.
Alfredo Day[edit]
Most Illumighetti believe in the prophesied Alfredo Day. The Christian god may have promised never to flood the earth again, but He has made no such claims!
“. . . a great flood of alfredo sauce shall consume the earth and a new era of pirates shall emerge from the balls of the sea.”
The Flying Spaghetti Monster's plans are quite ingenious. He knows that flooding the world will leave only pirates left, because they will presumably be on boats. Pastafarians can only speculate as to the nature of the balls of the sea, and recent fundamentalist scuba diving expeditions have shed no light on the subject.
Because there are so few pirates today, modern Illumighetti feel that the prophecy will soon be fulfilled. Many Illumighetti interpret this verse literally, but as with any other religious text, no one can ever seem to agree on what the hell it means. Anything could happen, really. Some other theories:
- Destruction by asteroids of meat. His divine inspiration of Cloud with a Chance of Meatballs is unquestionable (careful on that link, Wikipedia articles are highly inaccurate).
- Destruction by the Yellowstone supervolcano. Lava is actually super-heated marinara sauce that has been cooking in the earth for hundreds of years. How would you know, anyway? Have you ever tasted it?
Practices[edit]
Members of the order are required to memorize all thirteen chapters of the code and only high ranking members of the Illumigetti are permitted to examine the original texts. The seal of the Order of the Illumigetti is kept on followers at all times to authenticate membership at a moment’s notice.
Though Illumighetti still believe pirates to be the first Pastafarians, they never dress in full pirate regalia or otherwise imitate pirates, as they consider it insulting to do so unless one is to “wear the full banner” and become a bonafide pirate of the sea.
Conspiracies[edit]
High ranking members of the order have been placed into positions of power around the world to keep order, posing as Christians for the good of all Pastafarians. Their efforts of covertly spreading the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s message have only recently proven effective. Because of their potential influence, all members of the order are potential targets for malicious organizations, most notably the Antipasta Underground Ninja Society, whose antipastarians have assassinated many high ranking officials.