Mike Dirnt

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Camera-photo.svg It is requested that an image or images be included in this article to improve its quality.
If possible, please add some pictures to make it into a full encyclopedia article and then remove this message. Do not remove this notice until it receives some pictures. Failure to comply will result in this notice being added again.

“That man sure knows how to handle a bass.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Mike Dirnt

Mike Dirnt, real name Micheal Ryan Pritchard (was born on May 4,1972 in the small town Rodeo, California) is the bassist, chef and all-round candyman of the famous punk-rock Green Day.

What's that? Who said that? Oh, well I'll guess I'll call GD pop-punk then.
  No? You want me to call them emopunk?
    Who said that? Pop-oriented rock-core? Okay, pop-oriented rock-core band Green Day.
      No? What? Punk-metal emostyle hemorrhage-core? This is ridiculous.
        Let's just call them the band Green Day.

He is notable for the way he seems to be in considerable pain every time he's playing the bass. Seriously, man, he like grits his teeth and jumps around and all that shit. F'real. It's like they slice his fingertips with razors and cover the strings with lemon juice. Seriously! I'm not kidding! Actually it's quite cute though.What? What? Oh yeah, why don't you! Oh. Right. Anyway, with his strict Christian upbringing from his heroin-addicted teenage mother, he would pretend to play the bass when he was bored, as to suppress his urge to masturbate, making a noise of someone playing single notes (dirnt, dirnt, dirnt), and that's how he got his stage name, Mike Dirnt, which is his stage name, which he got when he pretended to play the base, like, (dirnt, dirnt, dirnt). Get it already?!

Moving on, he, along with guitarist and lead vocalist Billie Joe Armstrong, is the band's main sex appeal, since the band's drummer/architect/horse wrangler, Tré Cool, is busy being the comic relief, and, quite frankly, looks somewhat like a bloated chicken.


Mike's mother was a teenage heroin addict, which really ought to say you a lot about human nature. Anyway, after she found out that drugs are not a valid substitute for baby formula, she set him up for adoption. His new mother was some variety of ethnic, and his dad was a simple cracker. Like, you know, 'white'? I don't mean he was a drug addict too. That'd be too predictable, man.

Later, his adoptive parents divorced, apparently so quickly his head was still spinning when his mother remarried, and Mike said about it, "When I was in fourth or fifth grade, my mom stayed out all night and came back the next day with this guy, and then he moved in, and all of a sudden he's my new stepdad." He stated he didn't get along with his stepfather, and then, a few years later, his mother ran away to still her thirst for hot male strippers wearing bunny ears, and he and his stepfather realized they shared an interest in vandalizing state property, growing close in the process. Like, I don't mean they grew together into Siamese twins or anything. That's gross. Ew.

Mike attended the John Swett High School, before switching to the Pinole Valley High School. He had a hard time passing since he'd been absent from school, as he worked as a pirate, or a ninja, or something, because that's how awesome he is.

Mike met Billie Joe Armstrong in 1982in the Rodeo Elementary school cafeteria.He first founded the band Sweet salty Dawgs with Armstrong and Al Sobrante (played by Sylvester Stallone), and then Green Day in 1988, after Mike and Billie had realized their true love for polka after a long, marijuana-filled night, and Al Sobrante committed suicide by stabbing himself in the back, rolling himself up in a carpet and jumping off a bridge in Amsterdam.

Mike also decorated his teeth with a lovely shade of red at the pathetic re-creation attempt of Woodstock (or Mudstock), in 1994. Billie Joe, showing unrivalled lack of judgment, decided to, in his own words, "go totally Rambo on those bitches ass' in the audience, man", and started pelting said audience with mud. Someone got up onstage and tried to strangle Billie (a surprisingly frequent occurrence to the frontman), and when Mike tried to pry the enraged assailant off, a security guard slammed his face into Billie Joe. A proper explanation has never been given.