Māui (Māori mythology)

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An artists impression of Maui. All attempts to photograph Maui have resulted in cameras exploding out of fear.

“Slow down au”

~ Maui on The Sun

Māui (born January 11th, 1833), New Zealand politician and all-round Maori legend, has served as the Leader of the Opposition and parliamentary leader of the National Party, the country's main opposition party since October 1972. Before entering politics, Maui worked as chairman of the Solar Energy Commision (SEC).

Career & Achievements[edit]

Maui has always been a prominent figure in the development of New Zealand, and can boast many achievements. In 1837, the city of Auckland, suffering from severe pollution problems due to poor emission standards on it's many jap imports, was near the brink of closure. At just 4 years of age, the young Maui baffled experts and government task forces by single handedly solving the problem. In a later interview with The Listener, Maui reports that he simply pushed the sky up off the ground.

Events of 1840[edit]

Three years later on 6 February 1840, a cold snap hit New Zealand. Roads froze, sheep died and the nation ground to a halt. Fearing mass chaos, the British Government called in help from The International Meteorological Society, Russia, Chuck Norris and the US Army. Fed up with the lack of cost-effective solutions, they turned to their last hope: Maui. Once again, Maui solved the problem by himself, on a $0 budget and without assistance of any kind.

In a later interview with Woman's Weekly, Maui was reported to have solved the problem by inventing fire - reportedly stealing it from some woman down the road. He denied later reports of clothslining his neighbours. Maui was paid the sum of 3 muskets and a blanket by the government for his services. The people of New Zealand were so happy with their saviour that they marked the day 'Maui day'. There are still disputes on 6 Feburary every year about whether Maui's compensation was substantial.

Claim to Fame[edit]

Perhaps Maui's most significant claim to fame and his foot in the door to New Zealand politics, came in 1972 (Maui is so tough that it is impossible for him to die of old age). The economy was booming and the country was steadily growing. Times were good, but the nation struggled to meet its increasing energy demands.

What the government needed was a cheap energy source. Solar power was the only option. In exchange for housing 62% of its population, China supplied New Zealand with all the solar panels it needed. The panels were all installed by a guy named Murray who did the job between smoko breaks with an old hammer and a steak pie. To the governments shock, all the panels were still not enough to meet the energy demands of Auckland. Once again, the nation's future looked bleak. The Atomic Energy Commssion, USA, a ninja and the NZ Police were all called in to help. After no solutions were found and five taxis were sent, Maui once again stepped up to the plate. Instead of breaking the laws of energy conservation (which he could do if he wanted), Maui gave the sun a hiding and told it to slow down.

New Zealand got several extra hours of sun, and the energy crisis was solved. Maui was then recruited into the National Party and given the energy portfolio. In a subsequent interview with NZ Fish & Game, Maui was asked if he broke a sweat. Maui simply replied "nah bro" and went back to work.

Present Day[edit]

Today, Maui can be found training at Les Mills gym for the ineivitable battle with the 500 foot Jesus.