Limassol
Λεμεσος The Intenational City for the lost people of Limassol Limassol | |||||
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| Motto: '"Welcome to paradise, poushtoenglesos."' | |||||
| Anthem: "Money, Money, Money" | |||||
| Capital | Anexartisias | ||||
| Largest city | None | ||||
| Official language(s) | Cypriot A mixture of Turkish, Arabic and what they call Greek. | ||||
| Government | Imaginary | ||||
| Bob | |||||
| National hero(es) | 50 Cent, Sam's food, | ||||
| Established | Spontaneous. | ||||
| Currency | The Cyprus Pound | ||||
| Religion | Scientology, ornithology | ||||
| Ethnic groups | 49% Eastern European prostitutes, 12% lesbo-cannibals, 13% Old British Women, 20 % extremely friendly Lebaneese, 20% debout Apollon soppourters(dangerous) | ||||
| Major exports | Road-kill cats, Ouzo, zivania, dust. | ||||
Limassol is, unfortunatelty, located on the southern coast of the island of Cyprus. Its world famous decent prices and extremely pleasant inhabitant humanoid, known as the "Cypriot", attract many tourists - mainly Russians.
As stated above, Limassol is situated on a coast - the same coast where 50 transvestites were brutaly and rightfully murdered with a Wooden Spoon for wearing Olipiacos shirts. Limassol is divided into 6 major areas: Tsirion Wasteland, Beverly Hills, Bombay, Mikonos, Malakas and PeripteroZ. These areas are occupied by two types of locals - the "Cypriot" and the "Ostrich".
History[edit]
10000 B.C.[edit]
A tribe of nomadic Homo Unsapiens unexpectedly suffered a ship wreck while trying to cross the Mediterranean Sea. When they where washed on to shore a giant sea oyster devoured the last female, leaving them no other option that to mate with the local goats in order to carry on the species. After a long tough period of inbreeding and mutations the first humans boarded the island and established their colony.
1000 B.C.[edit]
While looking for a suitable location for his new latrine, Xerxes came upon a natural harbour and decided to inspect it only to find a weird humanoid being that spoke in an unkwown dialect. The Persians having been stuck on a ship for more than 10 months raped these creatures forming the "Stage 2" of the Cypriot (Below).
During the era of the Venezuelan Empire...
...its genderly challenged dictator of the CRKV, Constantly Reforming Kingdom of Venezuela (Hugo Chavez) decided to invade the island for personal etertainment. Approximately 10,000,000 lesbian guerilla soldiers were sent to conquer the Limassol basin colony.
Hugo's ex-boyfriend, Cleopatra (an Egyptian transvestite), became jealous and sent his/her/its army of cats to counter-attack. Surprisingly for everyone, the cats just meowed and chased rats. So he/she/it then tried sending a jew to drive them nuts. This creature mingled with the "Cypriot" to form the phenomenal "Stage 3" (Below). And implanting the concept of money into the society.
5th Century A.D.[edit]
The prophet Muhammed opened the very first and last 24/7 arab-delivery system in Limassol, known as the Muhammed-Express® until he converted to Bhuddism and started a campaign against eating meat. The Sultan Sam al Fagito bought over the franchise and invested more than 1000 camels in it. This business then spread through the island due to the large demand for Keftedes, Suvlaki and other local (formerly Arab) dishes made out of dog testicles. The name changed in 1992 due to several protests from the friendly neighbours to the East and became Sam's Food.
Limassol soon started as a major port used for the import of Eastern European prostitutes. The business flourished and extended until the year of 2004 when human trafficking was made illegal. So as to save their their successful business, the company owners decided to use their cunning and replace the prostitutes with goats from Greece. Fortunately for the owners and unfortunately for the customers, the difference has not been noticed even to this day.
The war of 1974 was caused by the Cypriot Government not accepting that the infamous "Cyprus-coffee" was in fact "Turkish-coffee". This and the "Cyprus-delight" have caused a great tension-build until in 1974 the war broke out.
It is said that the Goddess Aphrodite herself took a crap on the island, yet, no scientific proof has been gathered. Archeologists are searching for evidence in the local ruins of Makarios where it smells of faeces in general.
Driving and Circulation[edit]
This section is considered as an enigma to many. While in many countries driving is seen as an action both requiring respect and care, in Cyprus and , most importantly, in Limassol it seems to be a constant battle for survival.
A theory, established by the great philosopher Bob, states that the Cypriot coffee contains large quantities of depressives leading to mass suicide attempts.
The percentage of public transport is 0% (note: this is just an estimate). This is the result of a large demand for it. Tourists have the choice of either riding on horse-back or simply fucking themeselves. They are also advised to bring with them a suit of armour in case they require crossing a road. Peripteroz make a living out of selling them to these forgetful or, as they prefer calling them, Englesos.
Driving or car insurance is not obligatory but when a car is purchased life insurance is a "must-have". A driving licence can be purchased in any Periptero along the island.
Everyday road scene.
Formerly a car.
Parking problems.
On the way to school.
A typical Limassol vehicle.
Demographics[edit]
Since the 1974s (of which there where 4 in Cyprus)there has been a mysterious absence of Turks in Limassol compared to th 120,000 found before that date. The reason for this is still speculation.
The Greek-Cypriots have tried to establish a union with Greece. In several occasions they sent them a unification treaty but every time they did the Greek government accidentally lost it.
There is a large population of foreigners in Cyprus of which 76% are illegal.
Fast Facts[edit]
Name derrived from the Turkish "Limkasshul" meaning "What the hell is this shit?"
Most common word is "re", where the word comes from and what it actually means is unknown nevertheless it is still used in the day to day life.
Major decrease in population since 1992, when women were decleared intelligent and, therefore, allowed to drive.
Population consists of more cats and Russians than locals.
Consists of a large percentage of British immigrants trying to get a tan (even though the best managed result is a sunburn).
Local IQ range: -20 (immigrants from Paphos) to 40 (descendants of Plato). Local IQ average: below room temperature.
Is actually not a city.
Is dependent on its main export: the Auto-Muertos Felix, translated from latin as road-kill cat.
Mayor Andreas Christou auditioned for the role of Sauron (Lord of the Rings) but was declined due to a paranoid schizophrenic outburst during his casting where he bit off the auditioner's head.
There are rumors that this, so called, president of Cyprus is not human.
The police is not xenophobic or racist, they just have a liking of giving the foreigners all the fines.
It is not actually expensive, thats just what you think.
There is a certain percentage of intelligence: 0,0000001%.
Fashion[edit]
The average Limassolean teenage girl or boy suffers from the HIV virus (Have to Ingest Vans) the virus blocks the crevices in the brain preventing the girl or boy from telling apart clothes from bedsheets and jockstraps. The result of this is streets plagued with Halloween costumes in the winter and gay and lesbian pride parades in the summer. The boys usually end up buying clothes from the lingerie shop and the girls from the army-supplience store.
Limassol Mafia[edit]
Not to be confused with the Russian Mafia or the German Sausage Assosiation. The Limassol mafia is an undercover organisation trying to rip-off foreigners. Its HQ is located in a Strip-club.
Education[edit]
The εκπαιδευση και πολιτισμος or Education and culture ministry is located in the centre of the town. In fact it doesn't even exist, it's part of the Greek myth "Icarus". The Education "system" is based on the texts found in Greece from the Philossofer Helena Paparizou. The subjects included are:
- History of the ancient World (of Cyprus)
- World Geography of Cyprus
- Greek Language
- Ancient Greek
- Greek Culture appreciation
- Greek Mathematics with Pythagoras
- Greek Biology
- Greek Chemistry
- Greek Physics
- Greek massage
- Greek Cookery
- Greek Myths
- Greek Sports
- Greek Driving and Cypriot Crashing
- Cyprus I.C.T. (no computers required)
- Greek Music
- Greek Potery
- Farming
Culture[edit]
Basically consits of ouzo, myths, sakis and souvla.
Local School I.C.T.
Music lesson
Andreas smiling
Evolution of the Cypriot[edit]
Stage 2.
Stage 3.
A local greeting our camera man.
Common Myths[edit]
The Limassol government appears on many greek myth stories in the form of either a cow or a chicken.
The Limassol woman does not exist, there is no male either it is still an undefined sex which reproduces asexually by budding. In fact the "woman" is a mutated version of the undefined sex, it has grown tentacles in unexpected places.
Limassol's Achievements[edit]
- Build a McDonald's
- The Kids for cans foundation, a charity service which offers 50 cans of a selected soft drink in exchange of your child.
- The Death of over 100,000,000,001 people on the road every year.
- God has not forsaken the cypriot on a remote island, he's just protecting humanity.
- The shooting down of greek planes when these came to aid them.
- A flyover
- A carrefour
Intelligence[edit]
The Local Brain
Sometimes even Cypriots can surprise you!
Religion[edit]
The town is mainly Scientologist but there are some ornithologists minorities which carry on human sacrifices. Necrophiliasm is also practised along the town. The other main religion is suvlism which is an evolved version of islam and it involves removing all clothes from a woman instead of the burqa.
Ornithologists are though to have started due to the emancipation of Aphrodite from the Olympus family. She got pissed off with her dad, Zeus, and started her own religion which consists of gutting up people to eat their insides.
Famous Limassoleans[edit]
| This article has been intentionally left blank Except for this message box claiming blankness Which is probably just a figment of your imagination anyway Why don't you go somewhere else and stop worrying about it! Ya paranoid. |
That's about it.