The Lake District

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NOTICE TO POTENTIAL TOURISTS OF THE LAKE DISTRICT: All of the following is absolutely, infallibly true. Fuckers!

Enraged Local Cumbrian, pictured writing to NorthWest newspaper on the subject of "satire", entitled strange fits of passion I have known.

“Lies, just lies”

~ Wikipedia on Us

“I wandered lonely as a cow, but didn't think to moo out loud.”

~ William Wordsworth on The Lake District

“A very interesting place, could've done with a few less sharks.”

~ Oscar Wilde on The Lake District

Ah, the Lake District! A peaceful, beautiful area of Northern England.


The Lake District is situated in the middle of Nowhereshire, a county in Northern England.

The District itself is the last part of a long stretch of land known as Harse. This has given it the nickname "the Harse-end of England."


The Lake District was built in 1858 as a tourist attraction for the Victorians. The hills were originally made up of piles of corpses (a landfill method still supported by the BNP), and as a result, the hills suffered from massive subsidance. As the hills collapsed, the corpses shot up from beneath the ground, thus creating a scene similar to Night of the Living Dead.

The construction needed to be better planned and be of a much higher quality (much like this article) so a master architect named Sir Josiah Babblethwaitiziwigley was brought in to oversee the project. Babblethwait... oh stuff it, JB, he's called JB... JB was known for his other works, such as the Giant's Causeway in Leprechaunland. JB soon sorted out the main problems in the original plans, such as using rotting ex-humans as a building material.

JB replaced the cadavers with the Victorian favourite, iron, thus making the sheer mass of the Lake District magnetic. As you can imagine, this caused several problems, not least of all random flying cutlery. The problem was solved by putting an even bigger magnet at the North Pole, causing compasses to once again show the correct direction.

Iron obviously was very hard to walk on, so JB covered the hills with a layer of rubber carpeting to make the area softer underfoot. The sheep of the Lake District were simply contracted not as livestock, but as large vacuum cleaners.


The population of the Lake District can be broken down into the following groups:

  • 5,000 sheep
  • 2,000 cows
  • Farmer Giles
  • His sheepdog, George
  • 14,000,000 Tourists

As you can see, the Lake District is totally dependent on the tourism industry to support itself. In fact the tourists are the only people who are actually running the district.

Farmer Giles

An impression of Farmer Giles, made out of LEGO. All attempts to take an actual photograph of Farmer Giles have resulted in stab wounds from pointed sticks, lost limbs and decapitation. Even this LEGO model shot the photographer dead shortly after this photo was taken.

If you must go to the Lake District, avoid Farmer Giles' farm. He will shoot on sight.

Farmer Giles is the only registered resident of the Lake District. This came from him not being able to find his way out of it. The years of utter boredom have made him very bitter to all outsiders, and he has been known to "pump them full of lead". Despite the weapon bans put in place by The British Government, Farmer Giles is legally allowed to wield and use fully automatic Kalashnikovs, Pump-Action Shotguns and Pointed Sticks. This is due to legislation put in by governor gumpas, the sheep-king of the lake district.

Though thoroughly antisocial, Giles has been known to give talks to the media on occasion. However, these brief "interviews" usually culminate in a surreal and imaginative blood bath. His sheepdog George is not as bad as his master.

In a recent interview, George said "Woof Woof, GRRRRRR, Wooof, Woof, Woof, GRRRRRR, WOOF! WOOF!", before biting the journalist's carotid artery, fatally killing him. Roughly translated, this means "My Master's inhospitality stems from the fact that he has wandered the same congruent landscape for the past 30 years; he is simply quite bored of it."


The Lake District has three major types of landforms, those being:

  • 1. Lakes
  • 2. Hills
  • 3. Piles of dead sheep.

'Nough said? Seriously, if you want depth, go to Wikipedia.

A Stag group returns from their wild Week away.


Suicide - Tourists and residents alike agree that suicide is the de facto best form of entertainment in the lakes, in particular after the pursuits of walking, hiking, hiking and walking, rambling and sheep staring have been exhausted. Such is the popularity of suicide in the lakes that many towns have not only sought to actively encourage the killing of one self but the killing of other people as well, such as in the town Ambleside which changed its motto to 'Don't commit Suicide, commit Ambleside' in 1999


This blurry image has been used as proof of the existence of Windy, Lake Windermere's own monster.

The most common animals in the Lake District are sheep. Sheep, sheep and more sheep. Occasionally you may see a cow, and then, oh look! - another sheep. In the lakes, you may find dead fish. The death of many fish has been attributed to the many toxic waste plants scattered around the area. Don't drink the water. For God's sake, don't drink the water.

Other life in the lakes include lost Nile crocodiles, which frequently feed on anybody stupid enough to go on holiday here. The crocodile numbers have been reduced of late, mainly due to the tiger sharks. Swimming in the Lakes is not advisable, as, along with the other animals, you are likely to be eaten by a gruiform. Also, there are sheep. Nobody really knows what the fuck sheep are doing in the lake, but they're there. It's thought that Farmer Giles throws them in.

Plant life in the Lake District includes trees and flowers. And sheep. What do you want? An encyclopaedia article? Americans please note: Encyclopaedia does indeed have an 'a' in it


The Lake District and its temporary residents (tourists) are supported by, obviously, the tourism industry. Other industries and commerce include toxic waste disposal plants and the headquarters of Microsoft (yes, in the arse end of nowhere).

Much of the income of the Lake District comes from selling expensive - but crap - souvenirs to tourists. Tourists like to bring home something to remind them of their visit to the area, however, after closer inspection, the item will clearly read "Made in China".


Visit this area at your own risk. The writers of this article, however lame and/or stupidly unfunny, do not claim liability for any injury or death sustained in the Lake District through sheer boredom, or other means.

See Also

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