John Jacob

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Due to family genetics, John Jacob was born in 1936 in Elghast, Germany. His parents were John Fougen Schmidt and Jacob Scheiler Jingleheimer. Jacob never was, and still isn't a popular girls name, but then I'm sure you've met a girl whose parents were even more cruel.

Growing up with such a long and preposterous name was torture to their young boy. During his school years, children would make fun of young John Jacob for his name and his parents. He quickly became 'the weird kid' at school and children made fun of him by singing songs about his name.

The dark years[edit]

Running away to an abandoned cheesecake factory, John Jacob lived off strawberry, chocolate swirl, and New York style cheesecake for years. He was at the lowest point of his life. J.J. had many failed attempts at suicide including licking a dead rat, stuffing cheesecake in his eye, and running into walls. He lived there for 34 years, until, at the age of 44, he set out to change his life. But he was not ready for the civilized world. On the first day he heard the unmistakable tune of the song that tortured him for years and he went back into hiding.

Where is he now?[edit]

Many people believe John Jacob to be deceased, probably by heart attack, but true believers know he is still alive. It is said that around parts of Germany, whenever someone sings or even hums the song, that John Jacob will be there and will torture and kill that person. There have been over 9000 John Jacob related deaths in the past 15 months. These deaths can be prevented by watching Oprah and buying books from her book group. Especially if you're illiterate. Oddly enough, the lives of the writers of the infamous song have been spared by John Jacob for reasons unknown.