Joan Rivers

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“Life in plastic, it's fantastic!”

~ Joan Rivers

“I hear Joan Rivers can't star in a porno, because no part of her body is over the age of 18.”

~ Oscar Wilde

“Did you hear about the guy who got his head stuck in an injection molding machine? Now he has more plastic on his face than Joan Rivers!”

~ His coworker

Joan Rivers is a legendary creature who is said to inhabit remote forests in the mountains of the northwestern United States, although sightings of her have also occurred elsewhere. While thousands of people swear they have seen this creature, there are many scientists who argue that there is no definite evidence that such a creature exists. It is said that she is extremely violent, and will kill anyone who has an outfit that she finds offensive.

Description of Joan Rivers and history of her sightings[edit]

This early cave drawing may be the first ever depiction of Joan Rivers. She is depicted here preparing to eat the disembodied genitals of a male victim.

Tales can be found in Native American folklore that tell of a horrific monster with an unbelievably horrific face, who kills people based solely on how good their fashion sense is. As long as recorded history goes back, people have reported seeing Joan Rivers throughout North America. She is generally described as a large, bipedal humanoid, generally hairless apart from some bright blond plumage on the very top of her head. She is also described as having an unimaginably hideous face that has the potential to make anyone who sees her lose their mind.

Recent sightings[edit]

The number of people who claim to have seen this legendary creature has increased drastically in recent years. Most of the sightings in the past have occurred in suburban areas with few humans living there. However, in recent years, more and more sightings have taken place in densely populated areas, indicating that if this creature indeed does exist, she may be losing her natural fear of humans, possibly because people have been feeding her. In 2002, a woman called police claiming she had seen a horrific-looking creature at the side of the road. Footprints of high-heeled shoes were found at the scene, as well as some blond hair attached to a bush. The hair was analyzed, and it was found that it was made of 90% plastic and 5% pipe cleaner. Only 5% of it was real hair.

Joan Rivers: Dangerous?[edit]

A number of unexplained deaths throughout the last century have been blamed on Joan Rivers. Most people who believe in her believe that she can be quite dangerous if provoked. However, it is generally agreed on that you aren't in any danger of being attacked by her unless you are wearing an outfit that she finds tasteless. She is very critical about people's fashion choices, especially those that are gaudy and tasteless. For instance, one woman who was killed was wearing an hideous orange blouse, with pants that were completely out of style for the time that made her hips look big and threw one's attention to her flawed facial structure. Another victim was found wearing a frilly dress that was shaped like what very well could have been a swan. Any fashion critic would tell you that these are serious violation of fashion rules, and these violations would be more than enough to agitate Joan Rivers into charging. That is why all back-country hikers are today encouraged to hire fashion consultants before embarking into the wilderness. However, her fashion choices can be at times unpredictable. She can reportedly become irritable if too many people are in-style, so she will chose a victim to kill regardless of their fashion sense. This is why it is always best to be prepared, in the event that you face an angry Joan Rivers.

What to do if you see Joan Rivers[edit]

"The most important thing to do if you meet Joan Rivers is not to panic," says an expert Joan Riversologist on the subject, "she is an extremely aggressive creature. If you catch her by surprise, she's bound to charge, and God help you if she does. In the event that she does charge you, she will most likely eat you or claw you to death with her razor sharp claws, unless if you are wearing an outfit that pleases her. If you are, then she will most likely become rather tame, perhaps even allowing you to groom her. If she continues to act violently towards you, a mirror is the only thing that could save you. If she sees her reflection, she will be shocked by how old she looks and run off to get more plastic surgery. This will give you the valuable time you need to escape."

Family tree[edit]

Crypt keeper.jpg
Joan rivers.jpg

Joan Rivers is believed to be a direct descendent of the Crypt Keeper and Leona Hemsley, bearing an almost perfect resemblance. For example, the collapsed nose, the decaying flesh, you name it. Need more evidence?

Can you tell which one is which? I think my point is proven.