Jesus 2.0

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“I state now, for the record, that Jesus 2.0 is the shit.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Jesus 2.0 after trying out the Beta version he got from Kazaa

Jesus 2.0 is the new technical name for the second coming of Jeebus "homeslice" D. Iteezy.

New Features[edit]

  • 120 PetaByte Hard Drive
  • WiFi Internet Access
  • Uber express Chuck Norris Slot, type XXX (takes as many as you can stuff in, but is only USB 1.1)
  • Lifetime, but limited warranty (will not accept returns on damaged Jesus 2.0s due to act of gods. Powertrain good to 200,000,000,000 miles or three millennia)
  • Contains Every Psalm, "Simpsons" Episode, and good chili recipie in the western universe
  • Advanced M. Night Shamyalan alogrithms


The advertising campaign for Jesus 2.0 has been one of the most expensive and longest ad campaigns ever seen by man. For a return of nothing, as yet, the executive staff has okayed several dozen dollars, quadrillions of papers, and expendable people in their quest to make Jesus the brand name, like jello or Satan.

Over the past 2000+ years, several tactics have been employed, including subversion, active recruiting, crusades, and multiplication by way of symbiosis, fission, or other asexual reproduction (Jesus 1.4 was patched to allow sexual contact, but the new method of procreation is being built from the ground up in Jesus 2.0. Earlier versions did not include any provisions.).

It should be noted that asexual reproduction was used because the programmers had no knowledge of any other method. As a result, Jesus 1.4.2 included an automatic porn generator, as it was thought this facilitated such reproduction.

What He Will Do[edit]

Jesus 2.0 is being touted as the all-in-one savior. Many new functions are being added every few weeks, despite being several years overdue and nearly $1.4 trillion overbudget. The most recent press release gives a predicted release date of almost 5680 AD, once the current Chuck Norris model (4.8.5 R15) is expected to require large patching in order to maintain roundhousekickablenessitude.

It is expected by most that the new Jesus will include most of the usual refinements epxected of a superior being. A short list includes the addition of a massively-parallel-processing Beowulf cluster; the inclusion of the latest in psychokinetic abilities; a full range of writing utensils; an R2d2-style holographic projection suite; and a complete set of Uncyclopaedia Brittanica.

Upgrades are planned for the gas-turbine engine, radio communcations array, and photon torpedo launchers (fore and aft), which are expected to take nearly 4500 man-years by itself.

Jesus 2.0's primary competition is Mozilla Bhudda, which is among the first open-source saviors to be welcomed by the public, despite a lag in support from groups such as Windows Media Player. Other notable deity series are Allah-In-1 and Paganocity, both created by third parties after being hidden from the mainstream populace by a hideous government conspiracy. They were all showcased at the recent EmotiCon technology fair. Jesus 2.0 got "most promising" and "most delayed," as well as several other minor prizes. FSM-Inside got "hottest babe in convention building."

As a result of this competitiveness, mind-control devices are also anticipated, and though no official word has been handed out, a Jesus 2.0 Beta leaked onto the internet last June had mention of such a device in its sourcecoding, and four cubic meters were allocated for it.

Jesus 2.0 has already been prepurchased by Bill Gates, for 1.2 Everything and he will spend the rest of his existence on Tech Help lines explaining, "Look, you go to start and then programs." Jesus 2.0 also has an "End" menu, though users are urged NOT to push it "unless they really, really mean it."

Jesus 2.0 is free if you already own Jesus 1.0. Simply go online and download it from: