Jason Nelson

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
One of the many faces of Jason Nelson.

Jason Nelson was born Walter Nelson[1] in a secret experiment by the French to create the perfect American. Everything was going well, until eventually the project was broken up due to tax complications. The perfect American, therefore, was left to fend for himself in a harsh and unfriendly world of town planning. Although he spent time immersing himself in fake and broken worlds of fantasy, he eventually outgrew role-playing and used his talent for the fantastic to become Cyber Poetry Man! By day he is a Griffith University lecturer in Australia (What better place to be the perfect American…), but by night he catches criminals in elaborate webs of verse and metaphor. Real Americans don't need guns to fight crime, only ethereal shadows and nifty words of innocuous meaning.

His teaching style is at best described as 'bizzare', and at worst the words "oh god, oh god, my brains are leaking out my ears" have been used. He takes pride in not making any sense, and delighting his students with a weekly dose of random powerful enough to put a nix upon their kitten huffing habits and move on with their lives, free of cute narcotics. Despite this, Griffith University churns out a steady stream of cyber-literate students, year after year. This is put down to his latent psionic abilities, as real American's don't need to make sense in order to teach.

He is world renowned for his Cyber-Poetry, though nobody is aware of his secret double life and penchant for fighting crime in the streets of Surfer’s Paradise. He is powered up by the amount of hits he gets on his site, on slow days sometimes he gets a fever or needs to smoke more. Jason is also immune to rain, which means his hair and oftimes overgrown stubble never suffer from stormy weather. This is thought to be due to his ‘perfect american’ training. Real Americans never get rained on.


A brief run down on the perfect American.

  • Out of: Whatever the hell is lying around. Beakers, potplants, measuring jugs.
  • Jason teaches: Essentially nothing, and really badly too.
  • Jason likes: Poetry, the internet, poetry on the internet, fighting the Swedish, graffiting on the walls of virtual-reality.
  • Jason can: enthral a room full of people with his bizarre brand of awesome. also, he can cartwheel while singing both the american and australian nation anthems.
  • Jason cannot: Beat Chuck Norris in a one on one fight, be humourous.
  • Jason likes to: Hypnotize his audiences, and fellow web surfers with his brand of craziness and amazing anecdotes.

Jason in pop culture[edit]

Jason riding Great Cthulhu.

Jason not to be confused with Jason has appeared in a variety of different places across the board of cultural phenomenons.

  • Jason appeared in an episode of Buffy (coincidentally as a superhero who uses his poetry to fight the living dead) shortly before the series was cancelled.
  • It is argued that his hero costume (A pair of fake nose and moustache glasses.) does not actually protect his identity. The internet is full of useless nerds who do nothing but argue this unimportant point. They also argue whether or not he could have beaten Mussolini at a game of Exponential Twister. Neither point has a definitive answer at current date.
  • Jason once appeared alongside John Wayne in a western, in which the American hero smoked, spoke with a heavy accent and generally acted Yankee. John Wayne did similar things, though you probably knew that already.
  • Jason Nelson never did guest voiceovers for Transformers. Bumblebee, the only transformer to speak in verse, was voiced by a girl.
  • Jason once found a kitten in a box, and was 'touched'. It is the only recorded act of human emotion displayed by Jason Nelson.


  1. Though his name was later changed for obvious reasons.