Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/January 2

Where's my marble steps?

January 2: Global Day of Shame and Regret (still not including Saudi Arabia), Season of Giving officially ends

• 0 - Nine months from now, Jesus is going to be born, or so the prophets say, not realizing that no such year exists and this would have Jesus born in September. The Libyan Sibyl grudgingly buys a calendar with kittens on it from the local bookstore.
• 213 - Cassius Dio first reports on the tribulations of the Germanic Alemanni tribe as they are being stomped on by the legions of Roman Emperor Caracalla "The Callous" after being extended the olive branch of peace. The tribe, later known as Swabians, would not forget and would become big fans of Rainbow, Black Sabbath and the band Dio.
• 1492 - Granada, the last Arab stronghold in Spain falls. Queen Isabella is now free to initiate Spanish Inquisition jokes.
• 1655 - The secret Yukon War takes place and ends on the same day after no one shows up.
• 1880 - Football is officially renamed soccer at Yale as a joke on Cambridge. A new aversion to America is born.
• 1933 - Adolf Hitler kills his grandmother and takes over as dictator of Germany. He explains that "she was a fucking Jew". All Christian churches give him absolution.
• 1945 - Hitler's bunker explodes under mysterious circumstances. His grandmother's ghost is a suspect.
• 1959 - Russia launches the Luna 1 satellite into space. Designed to crash into the Moon to determine the exact type of cheese it's made from, it misses, loops around and destroys a rocket about to launch at Baikonur Cosmodrome.
• 2003 - Some guy walks into his wasted buddy's room early in the morning to point out that the clock reads "01/02/03, 04:05:06." He is abruptly beaten with an old Sega Genesis controller, finally giving the C button a use.
• 2015 - Former fourteenth president and model train enthusiast Franklin Pierce rises from the dead to whine, bitch, and moan about no monument being erected for him for keeping the Union whole before "Buchanan fucked it up".