Islam/Lite
“Islam-lite?, I prefer Islam-vanilla”
Islam lite is the version of Islam officially supported by the Coca-Cola corporation (after it was forced to give up its share in "Islam Classic) by the combined forces of God (One of the many false names used by Oscar Wilde), Bill Gates and 7 of the Dalai Lamas former incarnations. In essence, the spirit of Islam is raped and marketed for an American audience, all the weird squiggly writing is taken out of the Qu'ran (known in Islam-lite as the Qen) and replaced with real letters and words. According to recent reports- up to 16 people worship Islam-lite, and that number could soon rise when these sad people discover each other and breed.
The Five guiding principles of Islam lite[edit]
- You must recant the pledge of allegiance 5 times a day, even if being thrown down a Californian Storm Drain at the time
- You must eat only 22 cheeseburgers a day during the month of RamHerDan (this act of abstinence is the reason few Americans convert)
- You must travel to Branson, Missouri at least once in your lifetime
- As the Prophet Mohammed said "I'll be bollocks'd if I'm thinking of more than three, do it your fucking selves!, Allah! (most benevolant and merciful), why don't you fuckers ever do anything yourselves! Allah!! (most benevolant and merciful), fuck this! I'll be in my golden palace
- What point did the Prophet make in point 4? Pay particular attention to language and actions. [27 marks]
The eternal enemies of Islam-lite[edit]
These are the peoples who must be annihilated at all cost, as said by Muhammed (Qen - verse 22 "Kill the motherfuckers!")
- Canadians
- Mexicans
- Arabs
- Persians
- The British
- The rest of Europe
- All Latin Americans
- Atheists
- Homosexuals
- Trade Unionists
- The Staff of Wizards of the coast
- Charles Darwin
- The first 150 Pokémon (except Polywag, who was the 14th prophet)
- Fidel Castro
- Anyone from/in/being to/dreamt of visiting a communist/former communist/to be communist state
Places of worship[edit]
Islam-lites (known amongst themselves as 'slammers) worship in places called Mosqdonalds- there are 16 of these for every person on any given street, anywhere in the world (while wandering the desert- Moses climbed onto the roof of one to receive his drive-thru)
Dress codes[edit]
'Slammer Men are allowed to wear anything they wish-although a garish baseball cap is suggested then visiting places of cultural signifance belonging to other people. Women have to wear a Burqa-King at all times, this is mainly just a euphemism for "fat hips".
The Prophets[edit]
Throughout its history, Islam Lite has been guided by no less than 15 Prophets, although many have been less than satisfactory. Below is the list of Prophets and their recorded deeds
1. Mohammed- Founded the religion in Greater Manchester, forced to flee by Chavs and set up residence in Branson, Missouri. Forced no less than 200,000 people to convert, believed to have started the Anti-charmanderism so prevalant amongst 'slammers today.
2. The Toad from the animals of farthing wood- Led a devoted few to the legendary white dear park (the "dear" extending from the overblwon entrance fee for what is essentially a field)
3. Oscar Wilde
4. A scrap of tin
5. The board of directors of the Coca-cola corporation - These men agreed onofficially sponsoring the religion and mass-marketing it for the American public.
6. The Exclamation Mark- This punctuation was a major turning point for the religion, as it allowed them to say things with emphasis!
7. Another scrap of tin
8. Bill Gates- Purchased a large amount of stocks within the corporation. He controls a lot of the religion, so he ended up becoming a prophet.
9. Ronald McDonald- Established the test of faith, RamHerDan
10. Bill from accounting
11. Robot Jesus
12. John McCain
13. A third scrap of tin
14. Polywag
15. Leeroy Jenkins