Ian Botham

This horrid human was repelled by gravity the entire year of 1985.

Sir Ian Terrance "Dipstick" Botham was born in the dilapidated slums of Scunthorpe in 1955 to bankrupt fish net mender Gary and Agatha Botham (also his half sister). He is the 7th of 14 children between his father and several of his sisters and cousins. Disliked by many and hated by many more, Ian Botham will always be remembered for the many records he holds in the world of cricket.

Early in his cricketing career he was noted for being the first slum dweller to play cricket for England. Later in his career, he developed into perhaps the fattest headed sportsman of any code, and remains one of the greatest gobshites the world has ever known. In between these great feats, he did manage to accumulate some runs and wickets, however, few people remember that side of his career and it is not the goal of this page to dwell on these facts.

Early Life

Being born in a bomb crater as an inbred the size of a medium gorilla (Botham grew to be 6’2” and 23 ½ St.) is not the typical start in life for a test cricketer. But Botham’s stars shone upon him thanks to the immensely depleted gene pool of England after World War II and the work of Sir Reginald Wardrobe, the internationally famous cat breeder, Soviet spy and under 15’s cricket coach.

Sir Reginald had become despondent with the lack of sporting prowess in the English youth. In his memoirs, he cites the existing gene pool as having been depleted by "2 world wars bleeding the cream of our young men, any woman worth banging has left with American soldiers, followed by anyone with an ounce of intelligence emigrating to the blasted colonies. The only people left are fucking half-wits and imbeciles!"

In an attempt to resolve the lack of cricketing talent from amongst the middle classes, Sir Reginald took a drastic approach drawn directly from Medieval times. He surmised that a scatter-gun approach to talent identification among the dribbling youth of the working class should uncover at least one upright-walking individual with the ability to hold a stick and throw a ball. Following the discovery of such a person, purchase them from their parents and school them in the ways of cricket and speaking intelligibly, in much the same manner as a page boy was indentured to a knight. And so through these means, the young Botham was discovered.

Initially, Botham was paid the stipend of three turnips per week, while the family was paid an upfront fee of 20 lbs. of potatoes, a princely sum prior to the official end of post-war rationing in 1981. As he progressed within his nominated career his weekly allowance increased to five turnips where he developed into the fat bastard we now know.

1981 Ashes Tour: "Botham's Ashes"

Any one that has ever heard Botham on the telly or radio will no doubt know that England won the 1981 Ashes Tour. Much like the 1966 Football World Cup, the subject is a broken record.

Post 1981 Ashes Tour

After that one glorious moment, life took a swift spiral towards rock bottom for the hideous mug. With reality biting that after cricket he was as unemployable as the rest of the British populace, and certainly unwelcome in any part of the cricket playing world including South Africa, emmigration was not an option. Botham had very limited options to feed his now massive ego.

Salvation came in the form of Australian wicket keeper Rod Marsh during an Australian tour of the West Indies. After a three week drinking binge/tour of the islands, Marsh is believed to have sought a Voodoo practitioner to place a curse on the 1981 English cricket team. It is said that English cricket will never live while Botham walks the earth and all players past and present will suffer painfully for their win. This curse was believed to have expired prior to the 1997 Ashes tour of England. The curse was renewed in time for England’s tour of Australia reviving England’s losing streak and ending with the suicide of Captain Andrew Flintoff.

Consequently, Botham was compelled by unknown forces to walk from John O’Groats to Land’s End. This walk was cut short by his arrest for drug possession mid-way I think, a scandalous end to his first great attempt to fit into the world outside of cricket.

Scandals

This however was overshadowed when he publicly murdered former English great Geoff Boycott live on the BBC. Despite staring down the camera to the millions of people watching the broadcast and calmly stating those immortal words "I’m glad I killed the bastard... I really am...", Botham was released by police with a warning. The reason behind the light treatment was Boycott having bored innumerable bowlers to death as well as most of world’s cricket viewers along with no one actually making a complaint. Since this event, all records including the television footage have been destroyed.

Now days, Botham divides his time beating his wife, hurting small animals, making racist remarks toward that black prick Imran Kahn, and thumping people on planes. He raises money for his "children’s charity" with his now famous Asian and Caribbean sex tours, and is wheeled out to stir-up passions every four years for the Ashes. He still remains barred from the MCC and most cricket grounds have a restraining order prohibiting him from approaching within 100 yards.

In the years since Sir Reginald Wardrobe has passed, post-war England has continued to be unable to deliver a single sporting great other than Sebastian Coe, and Ian Botham remains unsurpassed as the greatest English sportsman of the modern age.