HowTo:Write a Beck Song

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This is Beck.

Hello, I'm Beck, world-famous singer/rapper/songwriter/Scientologist. I'm here to teach you how to write a song like me. It's quite easy to do.

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Step One: Look Around You

The first step to a great song is imagination. Look around the room. What do you see? A TV. A couch. A toaster. Maybe you're outside, enjoying nature. Then what do you see? Trees. Plants. A flower. A bulldozer. A sign that says "Future Site of Peachtree Condominiums". Wherever you are, just let your mind flow. Free thinking is one of the key traits of a good songwriter. Find several objects in the room, or forest, or wherever it is you are.

Are you done with that? Good. Now, make a list of all the objects you saw. For example, if you were to take a walk around an office building, that list would go something like this:

  • Cubicle
  • Breakroom
  • M&M dispenser
  • Atrium
  • Cafe
  • Parking lot
  • Elevator

That's just a small example list, there is much more you can do with yours.

Step Two: Your First Verse

Remember that list we just made? We will use that list to create our first verse. Use the objects on your list to create a completely nonsensical, yet cool-sounding, eight-line verse like so:

The cubicle blues and the breakroom breakdown,

Collecting all the files from the mayor of the ghost town,

M&M dispenser is about half-full,

Wait in the atrium while I pay the toll,

Looking to the sky as I feel so young,

Internet cafe, seems so dumb,

Ten minutes in the parking lot, I tried to hate her,

After an hour in the elevator.

Excellent writing, right? No? That's the point.

Step Three: Simple Chorus

This is not.

For your song to succeed, you need a simple chorus that is catchy but of somewhat obscure meaning. Don't forget: Repeat yourself!

I need to go,

Far, far away,

I need to go,

Here I must stay.

Step Four: Short Refrain

This section is pretty simple, just about 15 seconds of talking before the next verse. Make sure it is somewhat cliche and has nothing to do with any of the objects on your list:

Hey, Jules, long time no see.

(Slide guitar)

Remember highschool?

Now you're getting it! Ten minutes or so, and you might have a future hit.

Important Tip: Class, Class, Alas!

I may have given the impression that all of my songs are just incoherent rambling randomness, This could not be further from the truth. Oh, it's randomness, but it's randomness with class. The "Classy Randomness" method is how I created some of my greatest songs. Where It's At? Classy. Devil's Haircut? Classy. Can't say the same for Loser, though.

Step Five: Second Verse

The second verse is one of the most important parts of a song, right up there with the first verse, chorus, bridge, and melody. Make sure to, once again, not use anything from your list, and include a random pop culture reference.

Over the top of the flaming tower,

Defense gets weaker by the hour,

Never willing to say I'm sorry,

Lose my hands like Shinji Ikari,

One set of shoes in West Montana,

1 till 5 is the time in Atlanta,

Maltese Falcon, taking flight,

Today's almost over, see you tonight.

Almost done!

Step Six: Bridge

Your bridge should be exceptionally colorful.

The final big step in writing a song is the bridge. This bridge should be about a minute long, in order to fill out the time, and contain nothing but a bunch of random crap. But once again, it's not just random, it's random with class. Your bridge should go something like this:

Recent studies have shown that marijuana does indeed have medical value.

(Synth organ)

Carry on.

Important Tip: Repeat Everything! Repeat Everything! Repeat Everything!

Now this is the end portion where you repeat the first verse. Again, this is mainly to fill out your song, which has about a minute of actual content.

Step Nine: Release Into Public

This is where you release your song into the mainstream. If you've written it correctly, it will receive tons of radio play and critical acclaim. People will use words like "abstract", "symbolic", and "freethinking" to describe your writing. But remember: you're a Scientologist. You're anything but freethinking.

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