HowTo:Survive University
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“I survived University by the skin of my pants.”
So, you want to make something of yourself, do you? You want to go far in this world, but have a feeling that you'll never get past assistant manager at your McJob? Someone told you that going to university could help, but without your mom and your genius older brother you're not sure you could survive.
Well, you've come to the right place. This comprehensive guide explains how to survive university and look good doing it!
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Before going any further, you need to master the basics. These are critical to survival, and will keep you going as you move on to smaller and higher-numbered classes.
Fake IDs
The most important thing you must have before starting is this. Without one (or more), you might as well give up now. You'll thank yourself for a good one, and kick yourself for a bad one. Spend the cash on a good one, because otherwise you might go to jail, and that's not as much fun as going to a bar, now, is it?
Make Friends with Nerds
In high school you might have picked on these guys: flushing their heads in toilets, tripping them, offering them blow jobs and then laughing at them when they show you their goods. You know, the usual.
Once in university, the tables turn - the nerds are now the ruling party, but they don't rule at any parties, so nobody invites them. Now, you need to suck up your pride and make friends with at least a few. If you can't endure them in person, they are often available online and worth every moment of effort to maintain a friendship with.
SATs
Your first big hurdle is getting a good enough score on the dreaded SATs to get into university. The test is huge, like 800 questions, and in fine print, on a big fold-out accordion that can ruin your future. Now, if you're smart, you can take this test and probably pass it with a sufficient score. If not, this is where a fake ID and paying a nerdy friend comes in.
Drinking
This is another use for your Fake ID - you can buy booze and get into bars with one, but you'll be crying in your Mt. Dew every night after hours of studying without one.
Etiquette
Remember that there are drinks that are "guy" drinks and drinks that are "girl" drinks. If you're a guy, never drink a "girl" drink, or everyone will think you're gay, and if you're a girl, why are you going to university, anyway? Girls should never drink "guy" drinks unless they're dikes or stronger than the guys in the area.
Games/Fun
- Quarters — Game of skill, where you try to flick a quarter into the glass of another person seated at the table. If successful, you get to drink whatever remains in the glass.
- Chess — For the geekier among us, the first person to get frustrated and throw the board buys a round for the room.
- Find a reason — See lots of guys? Make that a reason to take a drink. See lots of guys with beards? Make that a reason to take a drink. See lots of girls? Make that a reason to take a drink. See lots of girls with beards? Make that a reason to drink the rest and run away.
Tuition
Let's face it: University is expensive. Creative financing is critical to success. If you have credit cards, use them until they start getting declined. If you can get a student loan, buy a new car with it so you can pick up chicks. If you have daddy's credit card, go hog-wild, because he probably has loads of credit. If you don't mind potential future blackmail from a booty recognition app, do some porn.
Sparingly. Remember, you're a student, you don't have money to burn on waitstaff. Eat where you don't have to, or leave an IOU.
If you're smart and you come from some weird ethnic background, say you're a native Tasmanian or from China and have a 4.2 GPA, and you win a lottery, you might get some of your tuition paid by the friendly people in the government. You don't know how lucky you are...
For those of us without such things, selling bodily fluids (blood, semen, menses) and internal organs has carried many through. Others have gone for prostitution, which is easy for girls and cute gay guys, while pimping is possible for those that can protect their whores from asshole jocks.
eBay and pyramid schemes are also possible, just remember to never join a pyramid scheme you didn't start yourself. Be mindful of the fact that most of the people around you are just as stupid as you are, need money, and will fall for such things. There are more advanced ways of making money, but we'll save that for later classes.
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Look at that, you made it, we knew you could.
Nutrition
“Man does not live on bread alone.”
On the surface, this sounds really easy, being young, strapping, and full of energy. Soon you realize that without your mom feeding you broccoli, brussel sprouts, and chitlins, you're wasting away. This is where the pizza places come in; every university is surrounded by tens, nay, hundreds, of places that serve pizza at all hours of the day and night.
Pizza
While that dusty old book says (quite correctly) "man does not live on bread alone", if you slap some tomato sauce, cheese, and pepperoni on it, you don't need anything else. When you're feeling like a healthy meal, get some bell peppers on one, since everyone knows that anything green is good for you.
The best thing about pizza is that you can eat it for every meal. Cold pizza is good in the morning, pizza jerky (made by placing half-consumed pizzas on the back deck of your car in the sun, then letting it sit for a few weeks) is good on road trips to Mexico, and goes well with just about any beverage.
Other
- Mountain Dew — A favorite for study sessions and getting girls in the mood.
- Beer — Surprisingly good for you, and, along with pizza, can fill all your dietary requirements. It comes in myriad varieties from numerous suppliers in an assortment of colorful bottles.
Vegitarianism/Veganism/Meatarianism/Alternative Foods
For the activists, these are common options, though they are much more expensive and difficult.
Activism
This is one of the hippest things you can do. From protests to street-corner screaming, you need a cause and everyone should know about that cause. It may be global cooling, bra tightness, keeping animals as pets, the potential extinction of the endangered North American Wombat, or many other important problems facing the world today. The savvy student selects at least a couple of these as their own. Nowadays you can even be an activist in your underwear using the internet.
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Now we're getting somewhere! You're a great student!
Mooching
One skill that you should have started using on your own should now be honed, you can mooch all kinds of stuff, and all it takes is time. You can get everything from home cooked meals to money to gas to real estate if you hone this skill well enough. You definitely need food and stuff, and since you've been in so long, you're broke. Some people have paid all their tuition and ate completely on mooching through their entire time in university: it's very zen.
Clothing
Well, it's certain you can't afford Abercrombie & Fitch, so what do you do to cover your skinny, poor, body and keep it safe from the elements. Check out the local second-hand store for clothing sold by poorer students that needed to get some quick cash for tuition, you might even find some real gems and for a mere fraction of what they paid! Although some may want to skip this and claim they are nudists, most campus police departments frown on this.
Jeans
Ragged ones show that you're down with the latest trends, even though you know they're ragged because you can't afford any better.
Shirts
Flannel looks smashing and gives you that rugged lumberjack look.
Chaps and Spurs
Important accessories for a night out on the town.
Thesis
You'll need to write this part yourself, or you'll never graduate. It has to be really long, you can't just do a bunch of small ones.