HowTo:Pee in a cup
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Congratulations! You just landed that new job at the new bank that just opened down the street from Giant! This is every dropout's dream, you're finally sticking it to your parents. Especially your asshole of a father who preached about college to you day and night while you were TRYING to play Maple Story on the laptop he just bought you. You're proving that you don't need a degree to succeed in life! Okay, let's just go update your physical and you're good to go!
What's this? A urine analysis? But you got really high with your friends last night! And every night for the last week! Hell, you came to the doctor's office high! Don't panic. If you're coherent enough to read this article, you're sober enough to pee in a cup. Grab a buddy and get in that bathroom stall, pussy!
Making the deposit[edit]
Okay, stay calm. You've just been handed a small plastic jar with one of those weird, squeeze-n-twist lids. This is your Cup. God willing, your urine will be in this cup in a few minutes.
Remove the lid from the cup. If you are having trouble with this, then you really are pretty baked. It's okay to ask for help at this stage. Just try not to draw too much attention to your inability to perform basic motor functions.
Stumble into the bathroom and get yourself an empty stall. Make sure you have a friend right outside. Hold the cup in your left hand (It doesn't matter if you're left handed or right handed unless left handed people use a different hand to pee with, I dunno. (I'm right handed.) and pull down your pants with your right hand. Initiate your stream. Pay attention, because this is where things start moving fast.
Once you have started urinating, move the cup to catch the stream.
Your sober friend should have already successfully obtained his own urine sample by now. Pour it into your cup. It's okay if the label is a little wet, that makes it all the more believable. Pay your friend the $20 you offered him for doing this.
The exit strategy[edit]
Hold the cup at waist level, with the palm of your hand over the lid and your fingers pointing down. Keep your arm hanging awkwardly stiff as you walk through the pediatric waiting room, trying not to touch your pants with your reeking hand and at the same time trying to act like you're not holding a warm cup of piss.
Avoid eye contact with the mothers holding their piss-soaked children who are trying to get them to stop screaming about how much they hate chicken. Proceed to the counter and hand it to the woman without spilling any.
A few days later[edit]
In a few days, you should have gotten a call from the doctor. If he tells you that the urine test showed that the urine wasn't yours, then you need to GTFO. Otherwise, you should be good. If he tells you that you tested positive for HIV or anything like that, then just ignore it and don't tell your friend. He'll find out soon enough.
But good luck on getting that job, kid! Get out there in the working world! You'll find the skills you learned here to be especially useful when your boss fires you for sexing his daughter and you find his coffee mug unattended and asking for piss.